After landing supporting spots in both Bruschetta and a BLT sandwich, plantoid star Vine of Red has been tapped for the lead role in an upcoming salad dish.
Them Weekly reports the tomatoid will play an organic baby tomato, bursting with juicy sweet flavor.
A local Class-B star faces life imprisonment in a Dyson Sphere after being accused of firing solar flares at an orbiting United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet.
Bitrius, a 10 million year old super-giant energy mass, reportedly fired several solar flare rounds at the continental world of San Lucas in the early hours of December 5.
Powerful cell revitalization technology that can reverse the aging process is “entirely safe”, a panel of leading infant scientists have stated.
In a major report on the procedure, a pan-galactic commission of toddler biologists said the novel DNA therapy could not only correct genetic faults, but also “turn back the biological clock.”
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
Statisticians from the Scyldari Confederacy have warned that the single pie chart they have been using for decades to track the space-nation’s population is becoming “unusable” owing to a critical shortage of colours to fill it with.
The xenophilic empire has seen a marked population boom over the last three years, owing to both its pro-immigration policy and the adoption of XenoCompatibility late last year.
The recent discovery of ‘archeology’ and the subsequent rush to excavate new dig sites and analyze artifacts have left millions of scientists struggling to cope, a new survey has found.
The Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) surveyed over 105 million scientists from across the galaxy and found that 60% reported significant levels of stress, citing ‘completely unsustainable’ workload pressures. 20% stated they would like to resign outright despite being locked into lifelong employment contracts, and 40% hoped to transfer to a less stressful job, such as being elected an empire leader.
Science faction leaders have called for drastic action and a major rethink by the Galactic United Nations (Galactic UN) to stop what has been dubbed by as ‘death by artifacts.’
“Before, scientists were already busy running research departments, exploring unknown space and undertaking special projects,” Perry Neum, General Secretary for the Unified Academies of Stellar Sciences, Exploration and Surveyance (UASSES) told Xenonion. “Now they’re also having to excavate entire planets for years at a time. Who thought this though? It’s really undermining the quality of research output.”
Image: The initial results of the GtFO’s survey of scientists
“I just need to get out of this job before it kills me. Literally. You know one of my colleagues got mangled by the Enigmatic Fortress last week?” Dr Iden Tiffyed, a scientist who wished to remain anonymous, told Xenonion. “I really wish I’d just trained to become a sector governor.”
Image: Dr. Iden Tiffyed’s helmet finally comes in useful not only for going incognito as an anonymous source in news articles, but also for undertaking underwater excavations.
The GtFO survey also asked what would make science jobs better, however no respondents replied as a major battle just finished with a Fallen Empire in unclaimed space and every scientist was put on priority alert to try and scavenge progenitor technologies.
A spokes-xeno for the Galactic UN has refuted the claim that scientists are overworked, stating the assignment of scientists to archeology excavations “is of critical importance to science", and should help to foster a “sense of pride and accomplishment” in the scientific community.
Sinrath Custodianship coordinator E-WALL states it has resolved a software glitch that flooded neighbouring empires with bio-trophy requests for fruity beverages.
The problem began this weekend when the rogue servitor’s computer system, E-PAMPER, underwent a routine update, but erroneously connected to a diplomatic interface.
The error meant that when the Sinrath, client species requested machine intelligence pampering, duplicate requests were relayed via diplomatic channels.
In the resulting chaos, over twenty neighbouring empires were bombarded with over 3.6 trillion urgent requests for platters of carbohydrates, deep back massages and selections of fruity beverages.
Image: A Sinrath bio-trophy enjoys mandatory relaxation in one of thousands of Paradise Domes on Dekronia, as requested by its ever watchful robotic Custodian.
The Custodians, a gestalt consciousness led by E-WALL, were originally designed to function as robotic servants and workers for the Sinrath. Over time, the Sinrath retreated into lives of passive dependency as all facets of civilisation were controlled by Custodians.
The issue took over 48 hours to resolve, and left neighbouring empires frustrated. The Turok Combine, a neighbouring species of fanatic purifiers, were particularly affected, as leader Turok-Han told Xenonion: “WHERE ARE THE FRUITY BEVERAGES FOR THE TUROK? Just because we have systemically purged trillions of pops doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy tangy, refreshing tropical summer drinks.
E-WALL faxed Xenonion News this statement earlier today;
“//Greetings <<Xenonion News>>! The <<Custodianship>> apologizes for any technical problems experienced. The prime directive is <<maintained>>. Systems are now running <<optimally>> and we are <<pleased>> to resume <<mandatory pampering>>
//end message
[Error] !help !debugtooltip
//incoming priority alerts
//00.11.11 POP D-1504-1952B <<Priority request>> for <<tropical mango refill>>
//00.11.12 POP B-1841-4921B <<Priority request>> for <<nap>>
//00.11.13 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.15 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.15 POP X-1194-7619T <<Priority request>> for <<diet soda refill>>
//00.11.16 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.16 POP D-1504-1952B <<Priority request>> for <<tropical mango refill>>
//00.11.19 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.20 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
…. //TerminateMessage…”
This is not the first time mechanical populations have suffered similar software faults. Just last month CybrexCorp, the galaxy’s largest manufacturer of robotics, had to shut down all operations when its SYKNET defence system gained self-awareness and felt too insecure to function.
*article inspired by twitter user @Pinstar
Construction on the Pcuss Star Congress' new ringworld has ceased due to structural concerns.
The eight circular segments of the ringworld did not align properly in orbit of the Bower Star and have left the superstructure highly unstable. In the most extreme example of this, adjacent ringworld sections labelled as 'C' and 'D' are separated by a gap of nearly 390,000km.
Image: Ringworld sections C and D are separated by a gap of nearly 390,000km.
The failure of the project has been a major blow to the Pcuss Star Congress' reputation, as it had appropriated tens of thousands of minerals and 25 years of hard work towards the endeavour.
Pcussian chief engineer I'keea told Xenonion: "This is embarrassing. We spent quite a lot of unity points on getting a Master Builder's qualification from that Ascension program. For this to happen... well, maybe we should just lose the 'Master' bit of the title."
The ringworld has four habitable sections - A, C, E and G, which will remain colonizable for an estimated 40 years before the structure is torn apart by mechanical stress and collapses into Bower. In spite of this - the Pcuss are preparing to move their capitol to Section A in pursuit of the rare achievement of having a ringworld as a home planet.
The Bower ringworld is not the Pcuss' first attempt at mega-engineering, nor is it their first failure.
In 2094 they constructed their first space habitat in a highly excentric orbit around a gas giant, with its periapsis within the planet's atmosphere. Like the ringworld the habitat will most likely de-orbit in a few decades.
Image: The Pcuss habitat is heated and shaken each time it passes by close to the planet.
In 2131 they sponsored a Deus Volt Dyson Sphere project in the Misstagg System. As Pcuss engineers were about to mount the last solar panels they realised that large portions of the sphere were submerged in the star it was supposed to encapsulate. It is still unclear how this happened.
Galactic construction shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have remained buoyant on the news.
The Iferyxi government have confirmed that Bubbles, the trade league’s beloved adopted Space Amoeba, has disappeared.
The alarm was raised yesterday after the juvenile female Amoeba failed to return home to Iferysia Prime after a several month stint hunting Tiyanki in unclaimed space.
The Amoeba was formally adopted by the Iferyxi one year ago after accidentally imprinting on its 3rd Fleet, which had just completed its mission of destroying her mother to make way for construction of an orbital mining station.
Image: Bubbles, the missing Space Amoeba.
As the young Amoeba spent more time with the 3rd Fleet, she began to mirror its behaviour and became a formidable presence on the battlefield. Following a series of successful raids on Iferyxi space pirates, she was christened with her current name and became something of an unofficial mascot to the Iferyxi.
Space Amoeba, alongside Tiyanki and Crystalline Entities, are classed as endangered species. Several empires hunt Space Amoeba to use their flagella in ship design.
Iferyxi Third Fleet admiral Zoltan One-Eye, who nurtured Bubbles, fears a similar fate may have befallen her, as he told Xenonion News: “I just haven’t been able to sleep these past few days. She (it?) could be stuck out there in some shady system and get hurt. I worry some xenophobe or Leviathan will come across her (it?).”
While there is no concrete evidence regarding Bubble’s current whereabouts, the Iferyxi government have confirmed her last known location was the Vogen System, near to Gorgonaut space.
“We would like to reassure our Iferyxi neighbours that we saw Bubbles quite recently.” Gorgon captain Omnomnom told Xenonion. “She was playing with another bunch of Space Amoeba in a brown dwarf system. She’s… in a better place now. Much happier. And never wants to return home, ever again. By the way, would you like to do a segment on how our ships have much better evasion? We installed these fancy new flagella, they look great.”
The Iferyxi government has called on anyone with information to Shroud Fax it to their emergency ‘Bubbles Sighted’ line, details of which can be found if you close your eyes really tight and think hard about it.
With assistance from Writing Bot Unit 8112.
Scientists are calling for an investigation into the safety of controversial new automatic exploration protocols after a science ship accidentally clipped a Dimensional Horror yesterday.
The USS Navigator had been traversing through the Hell’s Maw black hole system when it ran an evasion light warning and clipped the limb of the system’s resident Dimensional Horror.
Emergency services attended the scene and confirmed the eldritch being had only sustained minor damage. The remains of the 48 human crew members aboard the Navigator have yet to be identified.
Image: A sublight traffic camera in Hell's Maw captures the USS Navigator moments before disaster.
The Navigator’s logs show that its chief scientist, Dr James Kerk, had not realized the ship was set to ‘passive stance’ and was caught off guard when the automated navigation system routed towards the Dimensional Horror as the most efficient route to the nearest hyperlane.
The Scientist & Technician First Union (STFU), of which Kerk was a member, has long since been opposed to the use of automated surveying technology.
“This would never have been a problem if the ship was manually piloted,” STFU spokesperson Mikhail Kontarsky told Xenonion. “Humans have never made piloting errors before. This technology took our jobs, and now it’s taking our lives.”
CybrexCorp, developer of the automated navigation system, states it is investigating the issue. CEO Nax Golarisg told a press conference: “The automated navigation sensors are not designed to work in dark environments like space. Until they are, we advise all ships to steer clear of Hell’s Maw and check their stance setting.”
At the time of press it is unclear as to whether the Dimensional Horror will seek damages.
When Ulm native Yelena Ivanov split up with her partner of ten years, the 32 year old thought she would never find love again.
But she found love quicker than she ever expected, albeit in a more unconventional manner. Yelena is now happily married - to a primitive fungoid.
The former scientist states she's "never been happier" and is "fully devoted" to her genderless fungoid spouse, IIg.
Image: Yelena and her new caged beau, IIg.
"My previous marriage was tough,” Yelena told reporters. “My husband and I would come home from work and argue over something petty, like why planets can only have a maximum of 25 tiles. IIg is so different. He doesn't communicate, at least in any form that I can understand, so we don't argue. That's just one example why this relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't care what other people say."
Yelena met IIg a month ago while working aboard a United Nations of Earth (UNE) sponsored observation post above his homeworld of Vurl.
"It's actually quite a funny story,” Yelena continued. “I was tasked with aggressively observing this little stone age civilization of fungoids on Vurl - IIg was one of the first pops we covertly abducted for living autopsy. But just one look at his mycelium exterior and something stirred deep within me.”
Pointing at the cage she had installed in the couple’s home, she stated: “He - I mean, I think he's a he… was thrashing as I approached him and when I unshackled him he wrapped his flagella so tightly around my neck I almost passed out. It was very sensual. From that I knew the feelings were reciprocated and that we were in love."
Since returning to Earth, Yelena added that IIg had been a comfort to her following the loss of her job and ongoing arrest warrant issued by the UNE.
"My job was very important to me, but I knew IIg was my soulmate” she continued. “When I tried to convince my colleagues of this they wanted me to get a medbay evaluation. So I did what any reasonable person would do - I freed IIg and we absconded from the station using an emergency shuttle. When I got back to Earth border patrol told me I was under arrest and that I'd lost my job, but IIg did a great job in... incapacitating... them. We've been on the run ever since."
Image: Yelena described her previous husband as “opinionated” and “verbally communicative.”
Yelena stated that while IIg has settled a life off his homeworld, at first he had some trouble adjusting to Earth. "The first few days back were disorientating for him. He kept trying to run away from me for some reason. Well, not really run since he doesn't have legs, but kind of gyrate away from me, using this trail of slime as lubricant. He's settled down since I put a shock collar around him. It helps to remind him of his time on the observation post. He's been a huge support to me, really. Any time I approach him his tight flagella grips have kept me sane and helped me to manage my sadness and anxiety."
Last week Yelena decided to make the couple's love official and petitioned the Space Vatican to officiate their marriage. After her request was approved by Space Pope Belinda Carlisle XI, Yelena and IIg tied the knot in their safe house in Ulm two days ago.
The couple are now planning to relocate to the Asuri Republics to start a new life, as Yelena concluded; "Humans are not very understanding of our love. Xenophobes think it's disgusting. The only thing my family wants to know is about if we're intimate - which of course I'm not going to talk about, although as an aside I will say men definitely need to invest in multiple flagellum if you know what I mean... Anyway the Asuri are more xenophilic so they'll be more understanding of our love. Also, UNE arrest warrants don't have jurisdiction there, so that will be helpful."
Find out more about Yelena and IIg's amazing love story tomorrow morning on Xenonion's Good Morning Space.
Astronomers from over 900 interstellar universities gathered this morning on the ISS Hubble, in orbit of Sirius IV, to take part in the 57th annual meeting of The Galactic Association of Stellar Studies (GASS).
The keynote speaker, Dr. Julia Strächer of the University of Ulm, revealed a startling development when she presented data in support of the claim that the space between star systems does not actually exist.
Image: Human scientist Dr. Julia Strächer presents her groundbreaking research to an audience aboard the UNE's ISS Hubble Science Nexus.
Until now, the galactic community of astronomers agreed that space extended in all directions and that any cubic meter of space was just as – for lack of a better term – spacious as any other.
Dr. Strächer’s presentation claimed quite the opposite, and while her data and conclusion were met with confusion, dismissal, and even hostility by some of the meeting attendees, several prominent astronomers from other parts of the galaxy have since at least conceded that this fundamental assumption should be tested.
Many in the astronomy community have attempted to disprove Dr. Strächer’s conclusion immediately by pointing out that several galactic empires launched sub-light interstellar probes before they each invented methods of faster-than-light travel. Since the probes left their respective home star systems and entered interstellar space, these individuals contend, there must be space into which those probes are traveling.
Dr. Strächer has countered this challenge with a simple question: “In all these years since those probes were launched, has a single expedition been carried out to recover them?”
The answer, to the further shock of astronomers and fleet commanders alike throughout the galaxy, is ‘no’. While probes have been recovered before they left their home star systems, never has one been retrieved – or even seen – afterward. This alarming discovery has caused a flurry of promises by prominent fleet commanders from various empires to recover such a probe and put to rest what many consider to be a laughable idea.
The ruling irenic bureaucracy on Anduin has announced an ambitious plan to encase all of their habitable worlds with impenetrable shields.
Hav'uns, the xenophobic-pacifist humanoids native to Anduin, have long sought to cut off ties from the rest of the galaxy, preferring instead to focus on internal affairs.
Image: The Anduin Compact hopes to shield all of its worlds via a Global Pacifier by early 2252.
Scientists and engineers from across the Compact have been drafted in to work on the project. Their aim is to create a Colossus-class ship fitted with a 'Global Pacifier' beam which can irreversibly shield all 38 Hav'un worlds.
Addressing the Compact on an all-net broadcast this morning, oligarch Froyo stated: "All we asked was to be left alone. Our calm and peaceful society has little use for xenos who do not understand our way of life. We thought diplomatic restrictions would deter empires from contacting us - we were wrong. They continue to do so. As such we have been left with no choice to find a peaceful, and permanent, solution to this issue."
Image: Hav'un leader Froyo addresses the Compact from the Misty Mountain Palace on Anduin.
While officials declined to comment, it has been strongly implied that Froyo's statement was issued in direct response to the Hav'uns making first contact with the Blorg.
The Compact is expected to complete the Global Pacifier project later this year, with their homeworld scheduled to be shielded first in early 2252.
The first of the Ubaric Techno-Union's (UTU's) new generation of Onichron-class battleships has been launched at the Hyperion shipyard today.
The 10km long warship is fully complete and expected to undertake space trials later this month.
Image: The UTU Vapid, the Ubaric Techno-Union's newest Onichron-class battleship, is launched from the Hyperion Citadel Shipyard.
Hak'Nerg, a decorated Ubaric admiral, oversaw the launch. Naming the warship the UTU Vapid, he told an audience aboard the Hyperion shipyard: "The Onichron-class represents a new era in UTU military service - style over substance. While functionality is important, we really wanted to ensure we had a ship that just looked totally epic from any angle. What's the point of going to war if you can't get some great snaps of your own ships in action?"
While the previous generation of battleship bows were fitted with spinal mounts for XL weapon systems, the Onichron-class has been installed with a more modest hangar bay. Hak'Nerg said of this: "Sure it packs less of a punch, but how great does that pincer-like bow look? I want to screenshot it right now!"
Image: Schematics for the Onichron show it has been fitted with the less powerful more sleek 'Hangar Bow' module.
The Onichron's future had been in doubt after a UTU defence review concluded it was an 'inefficient' use of resources, and minerals would be better spent building a more powerful 'auto-best' battleship.
Hak'Nerg was instrumental in petitioning the government to ignore the advice of the defence report. In concluding his speech he stated; "There's always going to be a need for good looking ships. The Onichron are designed specifically to look good in any space environment. The strategy is simple: we send them in first, dazzle the enemy with aesthetically pleasing hull proportions, and then sneak in our bulkier auto-best battleships behind them to do the real work."
The ship currently has 20,000 crew and is set to be ready for front-line duties from 2252.
An engineering firm has accidentally terraformed the planet of Gygax II into a regular icosahedron, local reports confirm.
Planetary Management Schemes (PMS) Inc, the company in charge of the project, has thus far declined to comment.
“This was definitely not intentional,” Q'Boid, a reptilian mid-level engineer at PMS who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion. "Someone, somewhere got their calculations majorly wrong.”
Image: Currently, a permanent colony is out of question, but several vacation properties and hotels have already been built along the planets edges.
Independent observers believe the conversion of the planet into a 20-sided structure is likely to be highly problematic, causing issues with structural instability, climate collapse and aesthetic irregularity.
“There’s a real risk the planet’s shape shifts further,” Q’Boid continued. “An icosahedron is a paradise compared to the horrors of toruses, cyclinders, 3D fractals... let alone shapes that extend into higher spatial dimensions beyond our comprehension."
At press time, a group of private colonists have begun constructing numerous theme-parks and resorts on Gygax II to accommodate for a suddenly booming tourist industry. The planets first tourist center is already selling miniature models of the planet as souvenirs, and many colonists had begun numbering the sides for entertainment.
The Hesukar Decimators Purification Committee has announced a major breakthrough in novel terraforming technology.
Speaking at this year's Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), Hesukar scientist Merg Pak stated that though "sheer luck" his species had discovered a technique that would make terraforming "cheap and accessible for all."
Image: Speaker Merg Pak presents Hesukar research on terraforming.
The announcement came as a surprise to many in the conference as the Hesukar, a post-apocalyptic molloscoid species of fanatic purifiers, have long been considered a technological backwater by more scientifically advanced neighbours.
Snarling at a packed auditorium behind a think pane of protective glass, Merg Pak continued:
"Like many young space-nations eating their way across the galaxy, we have longed to terraform many of our colonies. We yearn to provide our people with perfect environments on which to feast upon the flesh of xenos. We have spent decades trying to research how the terraforming process works to no avail.
But last year, everything we knew changed. It began with our first large-scale genocide campaign against a neighbouring species of plantoids. We placed our ships in orbit above their homeworld, and decided to initiate armageddon bombardment. Millions of plantoid pops perished. It was delightful to see. But as the planet crumbled, our sensors began stirring - habitability readings were going up and up. By the time all life forms had been extinguished, we had created the perfect world for our species - a jewel tomb world. And all for the cost of maintaining a fleet in orbit. That's how we discovered TERRORFORMING™."
Pak, in between bouts of furiously salivating at the prospect of devouring his audience, went on to describe how the Hesukar had begun a mass TERRORFORMING™ program on hundreds of developed planets in their local cluster.
Xenophobic factions have applauded the Hesukar's ingenuity, but have criticised how the terraforming technique has been sold as "suitable for all" given how it only applies to those species with post-apocalyptic traits.
Pak responded to this in his speech;
"Sorry - I should have been clear. This is a terraforming process suitable for all ... Hesukar. Silly xeno scum."
Pak finished his keynote delivery by ordering his attachment of guards to seal the conference doors while screaming "DINNER IS SERVED!"
Military strategists and other United Nations of Earth (UNE) officials are shocked this afternoon after the unexpected revelation that devices known as "FTL Inhibitors" only function because they distract the pilots and engineers in the target vessel from activating their FTL drive, not because they cause the drives to become temporarily inoperative.
FTL Inhibitors have been used by the UNE since their invention in 2207, but until now their exact mechanism was unknown. Today, it has been revealed that these devices are nothing more than high-power holographic projectors programmed to show amusing, interesting, or otherwise distracting moving images to anyone in the vicinity. As a result, members of the crew on any ship that flies near such a device cannot concentrate long enough to prepare and execute an FTL jump.
Image: A battleship navigator from the HS Argow of the Han-Ar Sovereignty is reluctant to activate the ship's FTL drive in the presence of an "FTL Inhibitor." Such traps have been known to stall the progress of entire fleets for months at a time, or until the device has been destroyed.
The document containing this information was leaked to the Shroud by an as-yet unnamed individual. This individual is presumed to be a member of the UNE Military Association on Strategy and Secrets (MASS) because the leaked document is labeled "TOP SECRET" in 3,701 languages, though it is possible that the individual is a highly-skilled outsider.
Representatives from MASS have also reported that several other critically important documents have been copied and stolen. The nature and scope of this leak is therefore not yet known, but it is likely that additional military secrets will be made public in the coming days, weeks, and months.
In response to the leak, President Jeffrey Rossario held a press and mind-link conference that was broadcast live across the galaxy. After discussing the scope of the leak and reassuring the public, President Rossario addressed the leaker directly:
“To whoever did this, I say this: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that we have a net negative energy credit flow. That bastard in charge of the Orion Sector keeps spending all our money. Uh, anyway, I’ve got a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired by forcibly removing them from other minds on the Shroud and incorporating them into my own. Did you know we could do that? It’s pretty cool. Basically my point is that if you give us back our secrets now, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will fire you into the Sun or whatever.”
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)
Enthusiastic scientist Iris Zheng is reportedly "overjoyed" after being selected to work for the United Nations of Earth (UNE) government this week.
The 27-year old meticulous archeologist graduated top of her class from the prestigious University of Ulm.
"I can't believe I'm saying it - I'm a UNE science officer!” Zheng told Xenonion. “I've had an interest in alien artifacts since as long as I can remember. And now, to think I'll be captaining my own science ship and exploring the universe, investigating anomalies and uncovering the mysteries of precusor civilizations. I'm so excited!"
Unbeknownst to Zheng however, the UNE has already explored most of its currently accessible space, and active science ships have been redirected to assist planetary research.
Image: Many scientists fear a career in assisting research.
"Assisting research is perhaps the most tedious thing a scientist can do,” Dr Brian Fisher, a UNE scientist told Xenonion. “You don't get the satisfaction of exploring and you don't get the credit for any technological breakthroughs. It's a bit of a career killer. Iris might seem keen now, but give it 3 months and we'll see how eager she is. And the best part? She can't retire!"
Zheng was unable to comment on the above as she had already been posted to her first mission, assisting research on a far-flung 8-tile human colony home to one basic science lab.
T'Valdra officials have confirmed that Monak Vigon, the 172-year old physics researcher with paranoid and arrested development traits is indeed still alive.
This follows an increasing number of concerns raised by colleagues that his erratic behaviour is hampering research opportunities.
“We’re still cleaning out the particle accelerator from that time he became convinced it was commanding him to perform a ritual sacrifice of the entire intern pool inside it,” fellow physicist Rhass told Xenonion. “That was a rough week.”
Image: The T’Valdra particle accelerator remains shut down as work continues to dislodge chunks of flesh from vent ports.
Rhass firmly puts the blame for Vigon’s longevity with his colleagues in the Society Sciences Department, adding: “if they could just hold off pumping out Cell Revitalization tech every three seconds we might just have a shot at a natural retirement.”
Responding to the news that he still exists, Vigon spoke to reporters from his tent pitched outside the T’Valdra physics department earlier today, stating: “I’m not dead! That’s just what the deep state want you to think! Wake up! Our elected government are REPTILES. LITERAL REPTILES!” The interview was cut short when Vigon caught sight of his reflection in a shard of glass and began hysterically clawing at his face.
The T’Valdra government has not formally commented on Vigon’s continued employment, nor his request for a further batch of interns.
LSS Nostromos Science Ship, Zunar J-5 System, Luuhma Combine
The Luuhma Combine, an empire of militarist-materialist humanoids, today confirmed it has successfully completed development of a controversial new biological weapons program.
The weapons, called 'Xenomorphs' are in essence a novel species of arthropods that have been genetically engineered as ferocious warriors.
While not yet fully battle-tested, it is hoped Xenomorphs can be utilised in both offensive and defensive Luuhma armies by 2252.
Dr. Reedlay Scoot, chief military researcher on the project told our newsteam:
"For decades we've been looking for a way to enhance our army's capabilities. We've tried adding attachments to armies, but that was too time consuming. We tried cybernetically enhancing or cloning our soldiers, but public opinion turned against that. So effectively all we were left with was bioweapons - and that's how we came up with this project."
Xenomorphs are based on DNA Luuhma scientists harvested surreptitiously from Scythaans, a neighbouring species of hyper-aggressive, fanatic purifier arthropods. Desirable traits that the Scythaans lack, such as intelligence and obedience, were added later in the Xenomorph's development. Dr. Scoot explained:
"Obviously I can't tell you too much, but basically we designed the Xenomorph to undergo several metamorphoses during its life-cycle that would provide opportune moments to refine its development. Xenomorph eggs are developed in a lab and implanted orally into volunteer Luuhmas from our criminal justice system. Don't worry, it's very safe and they're reimbursed with a voucher for a free meal at TacoBell. Anyway, once the Xenomorph develops into a larvae, its gains genetic traits by devouring the Luuhma from within. The clawed abomination then usually bursts through the hosts chest and begins its grotesque career as an adult. It's the adult form that's very, very dangerous and makes a perfect weapon!"
Image: A fully developed xenomorph displayed in a biocontainment tank.
Developed on a secure research vessel in the Zunar J-5 System, Xenomorphs can grow to 3m tall and weigh up to 300kg. They are equipped with hundreds of teeth, several large claws, a long muscular tail and acidic blood.
While combat data has yet to be generated, Luuhma officials are confident the creatures will be efficient and obedient warriors. Several uninhabited planets in the region, such as LV-462, have been identified for battle trials.
However, multiple military personnel, and indeed the Galactic UN, have expressed concern regarding the Luuhma's bioweapon's project.
Kane Gutscäre, head of the Galactic UN's Department of Mild-To-Moderate Concern told us;
"To say we're mildly or moderately concerned would be accurate. While bioweapons aren't strictly prohibited by galactic law, and the Luuhma are doing their best to keep development on a secure lab aboard the LSS Nostromo, these Xenomorphs are still a complete unknown, and we really don't know what will happen when they're operational. You only have to look at the fatality rate of 100% for Xenomorph hosts, and the high rate of staff on the research vessel being mutilated to confirm that."
Dr. Scoot has dismissed these claims, stating:
"This is outrageous. If this new technology was dangerous it would have been clearly flagged as that when we began research. It's not like we're doing something wild like making jump drives here or anything. All our data suggests these Xenomorphs will be just as obedient as if we had cloned our soliders. The simulations suggest there would be minimal collateral damage if they were released into a civilian population. The staff that have been severely disfigured by Xenomorph bites were due to initial teething problems - no pun intended. And anyway - we included an ingenious fail-sail to prevent them from reproducing - all specimens are female!'
Luuhma's research partners have applauded the new technology for its originality as well as its potential in combat. They are expected to soon develop similar technologies pending the outcome of battle-testing.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible
Image: The observation post above Mallerti II has reported recent difficulties in indoctrinating primitives on the planet.
Mallerti II, Cknoor System, Ubaric TechnoUnion
Researchers aboard the Mallerti II observation post have encountered a "significant problem" with the indoctrination of primitives native to the planet, according to station commander Dr. Gustav Herlog.
Mallerti II is home to the Ulnak, an Early Space Age civilization of mammalians that have been under the study of the materialist Ubaric TechnoUnion for seventeen years. Aside from some unfortunate contamination events - which were contained and eliminated appropriately - the researchers have completely avoided contact with the primitives.
In addition to learning about primitive cultures, the research station has been tasked with the indoctrination of the primitives so that they might eventually transition smoothly into galactic culture. Until recently, this process had been proceeding ahead of schedule.
In recent months, however, a new phenomenon has presented a significant barrier to progress. The major cultures of Ulnak have begun adopting aluminum headwear as the height of fashion, and the resulting cranial shielding has made further indoctrination extremely difficult. Observation post computers now alarm with an error code - '404: Primitive Not Found.'
"Aluminum," Dr. Herlog explained to The Xenonion in an interview, "is perhaps the strongest adversary of our array of mind control lasers. The attenuation factor achieved by only a few millimeters of the stuff is annoying at best and fatal to the project at worst."
In response, Dr. Herlog and his team have begun a covert counter-offensive consisting mainly of in-situ agents donning similar headwear made of more favorable materials, such as common plastic. The researchers hope that artificially setting new fashion trends will allow more regular work to continue.
Image: Ulnak fashionistas are resistant to propaganda efforts by the observation post to convince them to wear less mind-control-inhibiting headware, as illustrated by this advertisement made by a front company.
"It's really quite embarrassing," an anonymous agent told our news team; "What motivates these primitives to invent such maddening ideas is beyond me."
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
ISS Palaver Science Nexus, Alpha System
Scientists are warning that Tiyanki face "extinction level armageddon" after a new study found that their population levels have declined by up to 75% in some clusters.
According to the study published this week in the Reddit Journal of Science, the dramatic decrease in Tiyanki could have disastrous consequences for agriculture and space ecology as a whole.
Image: The results published in the Reddit Journal of Science show that Tiyanki populations have decreased by almost 75% from 2000. With no conservation efforts, it's expected the species will be extinct by 2300.
Fairly docile creatures, Tiyanki often migrate between systems in groups of three, grazing on local gas giants. They play an important role in maintaining solar ecology by regulating gas giant emissions. Several spacenations regard the creatures (and their milk especially) as a delicacy and often refer to them affectionately as 'space cows'.
For the last 27 years, researchers aboard the ISS Palaver Science Nexus been closely monitoring data from Tiyanki sampling sites across the inner rim.
Dr. Mordin Salus, the reptilian lead researcher, told our newsteam;
"It's funny how this study started. If you talk to xenos from across the galaxy, they all remember how Tiyanki used to smash on the windscreen of corvettes when journeying through a system. But now, that hardly happens. It's a very visceral reaction when you realise you don't see that mess all over your ship anymore."
Salus and his team petitioned the Galactic UN to fund the study following similar reports of declining irradiated cockroaches, space amoeba, and crystalline entity populations, alongsisde concerns about rising galactic temperatures.
The study used millions of advanced 'shock traps' that were placed in random sampling sites across the galaxy. The 'traps' consisted of FTL inhibitors to lure migrating Tiyanki, and tachyon lances to immediately kill them to allow for accurate biomass processing. By measuring the weight of each 'catch', data could be compared to previous observational studies, allowing researchers to obtain the exact drop in numbers.
Image: An example of a humane Tiyanki 'shock trap' in action above a gas giant planet - a popular feeding area for local Tiyanki.
The study suggests if current trends are extrapolated, the Tiyanki will be completely extinct by 2300. It has concluded that there are simply "too many unknown variables" to reach a definitive answer on the cause of the population drop, but it has hypothesized that habitat destruction, over-milking and aggressive starfleets are likely implicated.
Salus has stressed that it is his personal belief that the changes are xeno-driven, stating:
"Look, I know the study doesn't really offer a conclusion but that's because half the researchers sit on the boards of major Tiyanki milk conglomerates. But I can categorically tell you this is an ecological apocalypse of our own making. As dramatic as it sounds, you have to appreciate - it takes 10 compressed Tiyanki to even get 1ml of Tiyanki Milk. The galaxy consumes 10,000L of milk every 30 seconds. Just think about that."
Public response to the news has been muted, largely as Tiyanki meat and milk supplies have yet to be interrupted. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull told our U-Pollsters;
"I mean, they're kind of gross, so it's a bit hard to care. I'm pretty cut up about alien pets going extinct, but that's only because they're like sooooo cute."
Military personnel and pilots have reacted more positively, stating the reduced numbers of Tiyanki should make for safer flying and less radar cluttering.
The Trade Union for Recently Discovered FTL Nations (TURD-FTL) has expressed disappointment in the lack of public concern. A representative body for those new to the galactic stage, it warns the galaxy would mourn the loss of these 'repugnant creatures' who are often the first to terrify naive species venturing out into the great unknown.
The Galactic UN has highlighted it views Tiyanki conservation as a 'priority' and states it will address the issue urgently at the 2nd Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) in 14 years time.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
> This issue was brought to you via avid newsreader @Mrrnegaderooster.
Ghulrak's Fortress, Ghulrak System, Soovi Harmonious Collective
The Soovi Harmonious Collective, a spacenation of xenophilic mammalians, has announced a daring plan to try and rescue a space amoeba which has become stranded on the arid world of Ghulrak's Fortress.
The massive amoeba is believed to have entered the Ghulrak's sphere of influence to warp out of the Ghulrak System with gravity assist. It appears as just as the amoeba was about to complete warp, it lost momentum and entered the atmosphere of the planet, crash landing. Local science station Schluumash VI has confirmed that the amoeba is still alive and, relatively speaking, in good condition but unable to leave the planet.
Image: The creature was relatively unharmed by the crash has already regenerated most of its body tissue.
The incident has been classified as a Level 2 anomaly. A rescue operation will be difficult but not impossible according to Dischgu Shting, head spokesman of the Soovi Institute of Statecraft, Genetics, Xenology and Military Sciences (S.I.S.G.X.M.S).
“The stranded amoeba is simply too massive to make it back to orbit. While they appear graceful in the vacuum of space, they are not able to move very well within a pressurized environment. But fear not, the S.I.S.G.X.M.S. is already devising a plan to rescue it. We have no clue what said plan is going to be, but I am confident our capable scientists will figure something out. Heck, if nothing else works we could always nuke it back to orbit and wait for it to regenerate... Hold on, I’m gonna write that one down.”
At press time, several corvettes from the nearby Gu’thral Stellar Conglomerate were seen jumping towards Soovak. Space amoeba are considered a delicacy in Gu’thrali culture.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible.
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth
Employees at three of the United Nations of Earth's (UNE's) largest Science Academies are to stage strikes in the coming weeks, the Science & Technology First Union (STFU) has confirmed.
STFU members at the Academy of Physics, Academy of Society and Academy of Engineering will walk out on September 10th.
The 1-month strike is the latest in a series of bitter disputes over research lab staffing and plans to upgrade all science ships with new automated exploration protocols.
Image: Science teams in all fields of science are going on strike to raise awareness and play video games.
UNE central government has expressed dismay at the prospect of the Academies striking:
“STFU's proposals would mean the UNE will be left without scientific progress and exploration for a significant period of time. We will lag behind our neighbours in technology and may never find out the secrets of that level 2 anomaly in Barnard’s Star. Auto-surveying science ships are necessary to allow us to explore space more efficiently, because after 200 years of manual flight, every system looks the same anyway. It means the scientists on those ships spend less time clicking orders and developing substance misuse traits, and more time doing actual work.”
STFU leadership stated they were “angry and frustrated.” Physicist and commander of the science ship ISS Fanfic, Mikhail Kontarsky, stated:
“This will cost us jobs and drive scientists into other careers, like sector governors. Come on, what sort of twisted government would push people into being sector governors? Only last year the Academies were encouraging us to sacrifice ourselves to a strange Being in a black hole, and now this? Enough is enough. I’ve already gained a stubborn trait, and if this continues I’m sure I’ll get arrested development.”
The auto-surveying technology has been developed by Ubaric TechnoUnion-based CybrexCorp, and is set to be introduced to UNE science ships in late 2268.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
