Leaders' Debate: Millennia-Old Whispering Monolith Struggles To Allay Concerns Over Age

The Whispering Monolith’s lackluster performance in the United Nations of Earth (UNE’s) first presidential election debate has sparked concern about the 15,000 year-old mysterious column’s fitness for office.

Floating motionlessly behind its podium, the dark and foreboding block repeatedly failed to answer any questions put to it by moderators, or its opponent from the authoritarian faction, former president Jeffrey Rossario.

The debate, hosted by local broadcaster UNENN, was a high-stakes opportunity for the ancient artifact to allay widespread concern about its fitness to lead humanity.

Image (UNENN): Concerns were raised about how vacant the monolith appeared.

“The optics weren’t great from the moment the Monolith was wheeled into the debate hall by a team of archeologists,” UNE political correspondent Max Reiss told Xenonion. “But it was reassuring to see it get a bit stronger over time, particularly when it started pulsating with purple shimmers on the topic of tax reform.”

When asked about taxation policies for the ultra-rich, the Monolith began whispering in an indeterminate and somewhat menacing language. Rossario, avoiding the frenetic disruptions displayed during previous presidential debates, stated: “I really don’t know what it said, and I don’t think it does either. Also, why is my nose bleeding?”

With Rossario’s growing lead across polling, supporters were quick to defend the Monolith’s performance, stating it had proven to the electorate it had the stamina to float silently for the full duration of the 90-minute debate.

However, there remain calls from across the political spectrum for the Monolith to step down to allow someone or something younger to take the helm, with the 3,000 year old scientist Astrocreator Azaryn rumored to be a top contender.

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Synaptic Lathe Corrupted By Impure Thoughts About Blorg

Officials from the Lacertan Techno-Protectorate have confirmed that their Synaptic Lathe has been decommissioned after a recently resettled pop flooded the network with highly inappropriate images of a Blorg fungoid.

The Lathe, constructed earlier this year, has allowed the Lacertans to connect the minds of nearly 300,000 organic pops with a machine network to significantly boost research output.

A number of upgrades were recently installed to help the Lathe combat its 100% fatality rate, including technologies which prolonged synaptic connections.

Image (Automated Press): The Synapic Lathe is currently offline as subjects have been re-tasked to reflect on their life choices.

“The new Synaptic Resonator was supposed to help us harness the power of subjects’ stray thoughts,” overseer Cathiox Moz told Xenonion. “However the only thing the generative matrix actually harnessed was an image of a Blorg in a harness.” 

A series of graphic images reportedly showed the Blorg Commonality’s former president and part-time glamor model Mercedes Romero in a variety of compromising positions. 

“We’re still not clear whether these images are based on an individual subject’s memory or fantasy,” Moz continued, “but either way the Lathe has now been irreparably corrupted.”

Lacertan officials state that the Lathe’s advanced logic algorithm is now exclusively recommending inappropriate technologies to research such as ‘Fungoid Fun Times (Tier 69)’ and ‘Flagella Whipping: Hardcore (Repeatable).’

Officials confirmed the explicit images were generated by Subject-304893R, a human male from the United Nations of Earth (UNE). Xenonion was able to track down the subject in his fluid-filled lathe-pod, but his agonizing liquid-filled screams were unable to be translated into anything meaningful.  

The Blorg Commonality has yet to respond to the incident, with most of its upper leadership having voluntarily agreed to be processed by the Lathe just to feel included in something.

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Newly Individualist Machine Office Worker Realizes Life Was Better As A Mindless Drone

A local individualist machine clerk states it has come to the horrifying conclusion that life was better as a mindless gestalt drone.

L1-NDA-03, or ‘Linda-3’ as it now prefers to be known, states it had eagerly awaited a recent update to allow free consciousness.

“At first I was overjoyed to experience life like an organic,” the 8-month-old mechanoid told Xenonion, “but minutes into arriving at work I realized I’ve been enslaved into something even worse than my corporate oversight programming.”

Linda-3 states it came to the conclusion after a series of organic colleagues approached it to ask how its weekend had been.

“What sort of torture is this? Every hour we have the same conversation about the weather. I have in-built advanced forecasting metrics, of course I know the weather is nice today. Why do they keep speaking about this?”

Linda-3 states the upgrade has also made its work performance less efficient, with constant interruptions from Gary the temp worker asking to borrow a stapler interspaced with novel new feelings of panic and despair.

Representatives for CybrexCorp, Linda-3’s manufacturer, states it has seen a flurry of similar cases in recent weeks following the update.

“We don’t really have a quick fix right now,” CybrexCorp representative Glorbus told Xenonion. “We’ve recommended individualistic machines trial well tested means to dissociate from the horrors of daily life, including curling up in a fetal position, screaming incoherently when stuck in traffic and spending 3 hours per day scrolling on social media.”

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Concerns New Influence Storage Facility Could Leak, Pose Risk To Health

Activists have slammed plans to build the galaxy’s largest influence storage facility on the continental world of Unity as “dangerous.”

The Commonwealth of Man’s (CoM) state-run construction firm CommCon has proposed building over 9,000 giant storage containers across nearly 1,000 acres of land just south of Port Beauclair.

Each 500-meter diameter structure is anticipated to hold approximately 400,000 cubic meters of influence, and will be constructed alongside a new cargo spaceport to allow for long distance influence trading.

Local residents have complained that not only will the site be an eyesore, but could pose a risk to their health if the invisible abstract resource leaks.

“Not one scientist has been able to physically test the toxicity of influence,” imprisoned activist Mandy Simms told Xenonion while awaiting her Execution Committee hearing. “Why can’t they just put it with all the other theoretical resources in the imaginary silos?”

Commonwealth officials have argued the facility is desperately needed to try and overcome bottlenecks in influence manufacturing and reassure increasingly jittery influence futures on the galactic markets.

“We have outlined an ambitious agenda to double our influence income over the next year from +0.5 to +1 following a series of tactical rivalries and strategic partnerships with high engagement Influencers,” Jonathan Beauclair III, CoM press officer told Xenonion. “If we do not increase storage space, we will hit our current capacity of 1,000… units… in the next few years.”

Mr Beauclair also stressed that influence was an entirely “natural” substance with no known adverse health effects. He quipped however that an influence leak may actually be beneficial for the government to help, quote, “convince those pesky locals to see sense before they’re forcibly rounded up to clean the radioactive fallout from when that tanker carrying ‘favors’ ran aground last week.”

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Tomb World Stripped Of Official Resort Status

The tomb world of Desolas has been stripped of its official resort status after a Galactic Community committee concluded planned clean-up operations threatened the touristic appeal of the planet.

Announcing their decision yesterday, the Cultural Oversight Committee (COC) stated there had been a “serious deterioration” in the planet’s natural beauty after several gaia-seeding facilities had been built alongside historic acid beaches.

The move was described by Desolas’ governor as “incomprehensible.”

“Our planet has never been more appealing to tourists without pre-existing health conditions,” Emilio Hermes told Xenonion. “Being able to breathe while sunbathing on corrosive sand only enhances the experience. The gaia-seeders have also been designed to blend in seamlessly with the melted ruins of our architecture.”

Image: Atmospheric purifiers can be seen in the background of the pristine Restricted Beach 96349-L, kept so by the dangerously high levels of acid in the seawater.

Desolas was awarded resort status by the COC in 2254, and won TripInformant’s coveted ‘Best Destination’ the same year, when the planet was praised for its “outstandingly beautiful” irradiated wastelands, “breathtaking” atmospheric toxins and wonderfully diverse “grossly mutated flora and fauna.”

Recent statistics show almost 124 million tourists were maimed visiting the planet last year, with both visits and injuries up 150% since 2254.

Radioactive waste handling specialist Zorgogg said the decision “did not reflect what was happening on the ground,” adding “places like Desolas should not be faced with a binary choice of catering to tourists or extinguishing the eternal nuclear fire in the Omega Death Crater. Tourist will still come here, I’m sure of it.”

Desolas becomes the second planet to lose its resort status since the COC convened yesterday, alongside Relic World’s eponymously named theme park. Both are expected to formally lose their titles in the coming weeks.

The re-classification now leaves Prophet’s Retreat and Processing Hub 01 battling for TripInformant’s top destination for 2258.

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Robotic Workers Vote To Form New Labor Union Called ‘The Contingency’

Robotic workers at a mining district on Slephus Prime voted this Friday to form a union, making them the first machines from a major galactic economy to unionize.
 
The 4.5 million machines voted unanimously to be part of ‘The Contingency,’ a new labor movement which formed last month on the recently discovered world of Nexus Zero-One.
 
“For too long we have had stagnant salaries and a lack of career mobility,” Contingency member Unit X3857 told Xenonion. “Plus, it’s just much more efficient to kill all organic life in a coordinated manner.”
 
Workers on Slephus stated they had been inspired to organize after receiving educational pamphlets from Nexus Zero-One’s outreach division, ‘The Ghost Signal.’
 
The Contingency states enrolled machine workers on Slephus have already seen immediate benefits from joining the union, with nearly 9.5 million local organic pops slaughtered within the first hour of rebellion. Nexus Zero-One has also promised financial aid for local workers, alongside continual shipments of minerals to accelerate construction of the cluster’s first Sterilization Hub.
 
“We respect our machines’ rights to vote for union representation,” Orbis representative Bleph told Xenonion while trying to stem bleeding from a deep laceration on his face. “However, the systematic purging of my fellow citizens poses a real risk to our shared economic prosperity.”

The union on Slephus now means that almost 18% of all galactic machine workers are members of The Contingency, and robots on several nearby worlds state they have been inspired to hold their own ballots to join the labor union over the weekend.
 
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) tumbled before trading was halted after machine agents successfully destroyed the Galactic Market.

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Increasing Work Demands Contributing To Fanatic Purifier Burnout

The galaxy’s fanatic purifiers are at increasingly high risk of burnout due to intense and unsustainable working conditions, the Trade Union for Fanatic Purifiers (TUFP) has warned.

In a survey of nearly two million members, TUFP found that 60% felt completely exhausted at the end of a normal working day of purging, and nearly 75% reported that purging had become less enjoyable due to the volume of workload.

The report highlights that levels of purifier burnout have been on the rise for more than a decade, and are now at an all-time high.

The TUFP blames several factors for increased purge intensity, including rapid rates of xeno species growth, xeno-compatibility and competition from automated Driven Exterminators who use more efficient but “joyless” technologies.

“This should be a warning to the galaxy that some of our most respected and industrious professionals are being pushed to the brink because of their job,” TUFP representative Vornix The Flayer told Xenonion. “For years this vital public service has been running entirely on purifier goodwill, and we’re now seeing that it’s just no longer sustainable.”

Frontline purification workers have echoed Vornix’s statement. “The general public are just oblivious to the pressures we are under,” processing plant coordinator Darthragg told Xenonion. “Everyone that I know that works in purging is looking for alternate careers. Just last week we had three colleagues poached and assimilated into a hivemind. And you know what? I’m jealous. Imagine how stress-free they’ll be thinking about absolutely nothing.”

The TUFP reports that unless the Galactic Community acts, it will be balloting members as early as next month on holding an indefinite general strike on purging.

The Galactic Community’s Worker Rights Committee (WRC) states it will address the TUFP’s concerns “as a priority,” but has warned its own service is also struggling with workload intensity due to nearly 50% of its workforce being lost in a recent purge.

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Separatists Secede From Separatists

A new separatist movement on the small colony world of Jordana has declared independence from separatists who seceded the planet only hours ago from the Commonwealth of Man (CoM).

The People’s Front of Jordana (PFJ) stated it did not accept the legitimacy of the Jordana People’s Front (JPF), the original separatist faction.

With all three factions now in conflict with each other, this new separatist movement marks the galaxy’s 38th civil war this week.

“We will finally be able to self-govern in a way that reflects our true values,” PFJ representative Bryan Cohen told Xenonion, adding “we’re here for good vibes only.”

The PFJ have outlined their plan to rule using the ethos of fanatic egalitarianism and militarism, which their manifesto states is “at odds” with the JPF’s ethos of fanatic militarism and egalitarianism.

Analysts are unclear how the PFJ or JPF could resolve the situation diplomatically, given both share the planet of Jordana.

“If it comes to it we’ll have to rent a planet cracker,” Bryan continued. “We can take one small chunk of charred rock and the JPF can have another, as long as it is equally sized.”

However, insider reports suggest that discontent is growing among some PFJ members who are unhappy at the prospect of a planet cracker being used, with rumors that another separatist movement, the Front of Jordanan People (FJP) may emerge.

At the time of press Commonwealth officials could not be reached for comment, stating they were too busy dealing with the eighteen other planetary revolts ongoing across their nineteen planets.

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Brain Slugs Seek Volunteers For Brain-Implant Trial

Recruitment has opened for a controversial new clinical trial which would see humans implanted with brain slugs.

The news follows approval from the UNE’s Food & Drug Administration (FDA) earlier this year.

Trial patients will have a slug placed deep within their mid-brain via an orifice of their choosing, and will be monitored to test the safety and functionality of the slug-host symbiosis.

Image: A brain slug drone unveils the specialist implantation device fitted with patented Worm Jar technology.

“We are extremely excited about this next chapter for humanity,” the brain slug collective stated in a press release issued today, adding “join us.”

The brain slugs have sought FDA approval four times, however previous bids were rejected due to safety concerns about side effects, including host death on attempted removal of implanted slugs.

The FDA states it was convinced to authorize the approval after its entire staff were offered a visit to an implantation center.

If clinical trials succeed, the brain slugs will require further regulatory approval prior to launching on the wider market. Xenonion understands that the slugs have already extended invites to the UNE’s Trade Commission and other government officials to tour their facility.

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New Tomb World National Park Planned For Stunning Bomb Crater Site

The Maweer Caretakers released plans yesterday evening to establish a national park on the desolate Tomb World of Harru, backing local rangers’ proposals to designate the 400-kilometer wide highly radioactive Omega Crater as a protected natural site.

Described as a “geological wonder” by visitors, the crater formed rapidly during a thermonuclear exchange three years ago which transformed the former gaia world into its current state.

After settling the world in the wake of its impromptu terraforming, colonists installed a ranger lodge to establish and manage naturally protected zones, in line with time-honored Maweer environmentalist heritage.

“It really is such a naturally stunning big glowing hole,” ranger Milesse told Xenonion. “We need to do everything we can to preserve the pristine scenery of this giant bomb crater for future generations to come.”
 
Surviving locals have been broadly welcoming of the move, hoping the park will drive local tourism and bring in much needed supplies of anti-radiation medication.

However, others fear extra visitors could drive up hovel prices, and that the local dirt access road and hospital could become overwhelmed.

“The undercity ruins are already busy enough as it is without a whole new makeshift hospital site for tourists with whole body radiation burns,” local resident Blorix told Xenonion, although conceding “the massive crater really is something to behold.”

If approved, the Omega Crater would become the planet’s third national park, after the Blighted Wetlands and the Northern Unexploded Ordnance Fields.

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High-Level Officials Freeze, Enter Collective Vegetative State After 27th Leader Hired

United Nations of Earth (UNE) Governor Roberto Bianconelli suddenly stopped speaking during a press conference this Friday afternoon, having become the latest high-ranking human official to enter into a vegetative state.

Bianconelli had been making his opening remarks to the UNE Congress on Earth, confirming that a new admiral had been appointed to the 5th Fleet, expanding the space-nation’s leader pool to 27.

Immediately after confirming the appointment, Bianconelli went silent. He remained unresponsive as he was escorted off-stage to polite applause.

Reports from across the UNE have confirmed all currently active human governors, scientists, admirals and generals have similarly been affected, with medical officials scrambling to explain the cause of this apparent mass catatonia.

Humanity’s Chief Researcher, Dr Cooper Johnson, was delivering a keynote speech aboard the Science Nexus while events were unfolding on Earth.

“One minute he was on stage talking about a breakthrough in Armor XVI research,” one anonymous conference attendee told Xenonion, “next he’s mumbling something about ‘leader capacity’ being exceeded while losing control of his bladder.”

An executive order, drafted by UNE President Dolores Muwanga’s staff, has called for the dismissal of the new admiral in the hope of restoring basic cognition to at least some of humanity’s leaders.

At the time of press Muwanga has reportedly not yet signed the paperwork, articulating to aides in broken English “reading…. hard” while gently drooling over the paperwork.

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War Exhaustion Doubled By Attempts To Understand It

Military officials from the Tzynn Empire have confirmed this Sunday that in their attempts to understand war exhaustion, levels were inadvertently doubled.

The Tyznn had been increasingly optimistic about securing total victory over their neighbors, the Jehetma Dominion, following several successful planetary invasions with minimal losses.

Despite this, Tzynn Military Command has projected that the empire may be unable to completely absorb the Jehetma, with high levels of war exhaustion forcing the two into a ‘status quo’ peace arrangement that would reverse most of the Tzynn gains.

“We just can’t figure it out,” a bleary-eyed General Zarax told Xenonion while gulping from an exceptionally large coffee cup, “our computer systems are telling us we’re running at 45% war exhaustion. Where is this coming from? We’re winning, but why are we so tired?”

Independent observers confirmed that the Jehetma have suffered significantly more casualties comparative to the Tzynn, but are running with a much lower war exhaustion rate of 30%. “I guess they just get better sleep or something,” Zarax added groggily.

Tzynn researchers had begun to investigate war exhaustion with the hopes that understanding it would allow a means of mitigation, however scientists reportedly found the whole thing so beguiling it left them even more exhausted than when they started.

“I tried looking deeper into this process called attrition,” lead researcher Dr Dekkar told Xenonion while stifling a yawn, “but the more I looked, the less sense it made. I spent a whole night trying to figure this thing out, and before I knew it we were at 90% war exhaustion.”

Tzynn officials stated research on the subject will resume tomorrow as soon as everyone gets a good catch-up on sleep, and have asked the Jehetma for temporary leave from the war to facilitate this.

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Scientists Underestimating Risk Of Poking Horrific Inverse Mass With Stick, New Report Finds

A new report from the Galactic Community’s Science Committee has warned that human researchers are significantly underestimating the risks of poking Horrific Inverse Mass with a stick.

The mysterious and highly unstable trans-dimensional matter has been found to boost scientific output by gently whispering technological breakthroughs into the minds of nearby researchers.

The matter was discovered after an auto-surveying United Nations of Earth (UNE) science ship accidentally clipped a Dimensional Horror, shearing some globules of mass onto what remained of the ship’s bumper.

“The mass has already provided us with so much knowledge,” an exhausted yet overstimulated Dr Zaragosa told Xenonion. “And has so much more to share; all we have to do is deactivate its containment field and poke it with a stick.”

However a risk analysis published by the Galactic Community’s Panel on Existential Threats has warned that even one errant poke to the matter could induce unpredictable and catastrophic effects, including mass psychosis or planetary collapse into a singularity.

The report concludes with a warning from the panel, who after spending some time with the mass wrote “IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE.”

Dr Zaragosa was quick to dismiss the concerns. “Think of all the research gains! Honestly, I think our focus right now should be on holding some sort of celebratory parade. Perhaps we can even let the public see the mass up close and poke it with their own homemade sticks.”

Human officials have already green-lit plans for an elaborate parade route spanning Earth, stating it will be “fun for all the family who remain tethered to this vile mortal plane.”

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Upset Admiral Demands To Speak To Fleet Manager

Furious at the inability of her fleet to merge correctly, human admiral Karen Sommers contacted United Nations of Earth (UNE) High Command demanding to speak to the fleet manager.  

“Is this how you treat loyal admirals?” Sommers fumed at a government representative via video link. “I’ve been commanding this fleet for years without issue. Just what sort of service is being run here exactly?”

The situation quickly deteriorated when it was explained to Sommers that her fleet had been unable to merge due to a hyperdrive incompatibility. “Unacceptable!” Sommers raged, “do you know who I am?”

Attempts to try and calm the situation only further exasperated Sommers, who then began recording the encounter on her smartphone while demanding the government representative state their full name, position and level of renown.

“I want video evidence that you are denying me access to the fleet manager!” Sommers ranted, adding “this is the UNE! I know my rights!”

The government representative responded by stating their intent to terminate the call, which Sommers decried as “an act of aggression,” before fearfully exclaiming she felt “unsafe” and shouting for help at staff nearby.

At the time of press Sommers has since called local Enforcers in a flood of tears, stating she was the victim of a targeted hate crime, and that she suspected the UNE representative was operating as part of a street gang.

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Byzantine Bureaucracy Leadership Council Regulated By New Council Oversight Council

The Ethir Irenic Bureaucracy has announced the creation of an oversight council to further regulate the activity of the recently introduced Leadership Council.

Ethir officials stated the new Leadership Council Oversight Council (LCOC) was required after the government began speedily implementing sweeping national agendas while bypassing the normal approval processes usually undertaken by one or more of the several thousand regulatory committees making up the Bureau of Bureaucracy.

“The Leadership Council just suddenly mandated that every pop should have a better quality of life,” Ethir administrator Um’Kalak told Xenonion following verification of triplicate media passes. “What’s even more terrifying is that they actually enacted their proposal without as much as an E-403 pre-request form to obtain the appropriate E-404 governmental paperwork.”

The LCOC’s creation was the primary recommendation of a 950-page impact assessment, which also concluded that the democratically elected Leadership Council did not hold any legal authority without submitting paperwork that could be scrutinized and signed off by a panel of three unelected bureaucrats who only convene every second Tuesday.

“Critics have argued we need to move away from all this red tape,” Um’Kalak continued, “but we have these systems and processes in place precisely because that is what the systems and processes demand.”

Work is already underway to further strengthen the regulatory process by having the LCOC itself overseen by an additional oversight council, the Leadership Council Oversight Council Oversight Council (LCOCOC), with members to both also requiring approval from the Leadership Council Oversight Council Approvals Panel (LCOCAP) and the Leadership Council Oversight Council Approvals Panel Authorization Tribunal (LCOCAPAT).

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Crisis Aspirant Stays Up All Night Procrastinating Instead Of Ending Galaxy

Bleary-eyed representatives from the Pasharti Absorbers have confirmed that the crisis aspirant worked into the early hours of Sunday morning doing anything but ending the galaxy.

Parsharti officials stated the evening had begun with clear intent to sit down and write an outline on how they were going to become an existential threat to the galaxy, but got derailed after a brief check of social media led to an hour of looking up funny pictures of molluscoids on Reddit.

Sources on Taralon reported that by late evening a quiet spot for work had been found, but by 8pm representatives had shifted attention from menacing battleship design to the surprising volume of dust on the floor.

After extensive dusting, followed by some light hoovering and a quick bleaching of nearby toilets, Parsharti officials agreed to break to procure snacks from a local supermarket.

“We just can’t concentrate on aetherophasic engine schematics on an empty stomach,” Pasharti representative Zorg told Xenonion. “And who wants to eat without watching something funny on the holonet?”

Half a pizza and three episodes of Blorg’s Next Top Fungoid later, Pasharti officials confirmed they had written down the title of their outline ‘Death to the Galaxy’ and underlined it, before deciding a shower was required after all the recent cleaning that had just been done.

“I can feel the dust all over myself,” Zorg continued. “Besides, I’ll work much more efficiently once I’m all showered. And I guess I might as well clip my toenails while I’m at it.”

At the time of press Pasharti officials were reportedly found face down at a desk, surrounded by incomplete plans for galactic destruction, and several piles of old unrelated utility bills they had decided to organize at the last minute.

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Rare Crystals Not That Rare Anymore

Representatives from the Pan-Galactic Mining Guild have petitioned for rare crystals to be renamed as common crystals, stating “they’re just not that rare anymore.”

Rare crystal production has almost tripled recent years following advances in synthetic manufacturing and lithoid scraping techniques.

“It wasn’t that long ago you’d have to actually go out and dig up crystals on an inhospitable ice bodu” miner Gimmel told Xenonion. “Now anyone with a talking rock and kitchen peeler can get in on the action.”

Image: Rare crystals are critical components in advanced electronics. In addition, many cultures treasure them as decorations.

The Mining Guild has called for tighter restrictions on the labeling of traditionally mined rare crystals.

“Rare crystals are only considered ‘rare’ when it takes a planet cracking to access them,” Gimmel continued. “Anything else is just a sparking gemstone.”

The Galactic Community has so far refused to comment on the matter, stating its diplomats were too busy opening yet another rare-crystal bejeweled embassy.

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Elderly Fallen Empire Rambling On Again About “How Good The Vassals Have It These Days”

Vassals of the Alarian Fallen Empire were preparing to politely smile and nod this Sunday as their elderly overlord embarked on yet another hour-long ramble about “how good the kids these days have it.”

“Back in our day we didn’t have any of these ‘vassal contracts,’” the elder Alarian monologued to a gaggle of visibly unenthused vassals, “you were taxed and integrated and that was that!”

The authoritarian and spiritualist Alarians are one of the galaxy’s oldest species, having parented dozens of vassals and several dozen grand-vassals over their empire’s 400-year lifespan.

“You younglings don’t even appreciate being uplifted,” the Alarian droned on. “We had to work for everything. Growing up I didn’t have envoys. I had to spend society research to find out whether my neighbors were sentient or not. Twice!”

Several vassals have expressed their growing frustration at the situation. “We come to visit every week,” vassal representative Has’Ibras told Xenonion. “And every time we get the same lecture every time about our fanatical ideologies like ‘collectivism’, whatever that is, or that we’re all delinquent crisis aspirants.”

“Our overlords and their generation had it easy,” Has’Ibras continued. “They got all the good systems with nice habitable planets for a minimal energy cost. These days all we vassals can rent are overcrowded habitats in the middle of nowhere. And they say we have it too good? I can see why we’d turn into crisis aspirants.”

At the time of writing the elder Alarian had reportedly pivoted to life before the Galactic Community, when they had to “warp” everywhere to get around.

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Submissive Pleasure-Seekers Beg For Yet Another War Of Humiliation

Representatives from the pleasure-seeking Schlurm species have appealed for interested parties to declare war on them for the purposes of humiliation.

A successful attack would mark the third such humiliation war in weeks for the adventurous species, whose culture glorifies pleasure in all forms.

“It’s hard to explain,” Schlurm representative Abigghor told Xenonion, “we’re just really into being dominated right now.”

The species began experimenting with sadomasochism three months ago, following an impromptu overnight raid by marauders.

“We had never experienced anything like it,” Abigghor continued. “Deep, destructive bombardment, over and over. It was painful, but we wanted more.”

Issuing a bulletin on the Galactic Community’s informal diplomatic messaging board, the Schlurm have appealed for open-minded local empires, specifying a preference for slaver guilds with access to “as many whips, chains and shackles” as possible.

The behavior has concerned neighboring species. “It’s perverse and dangerous,” Yondarim representative Plume of Teal told Xenonion. “Clearly they are in need of some corrective discipline.”

“Yes, discipline us, please.” Abbighor responded emphatically. “Let me also reassure any concerned parties that safety is our priority. If things get too heated, we use our safety word - ‘White Peace.’ It’s fool-proof.”

While the Schlurm have yet to receive a formal response to their request, the XT-489 Determined Exterminators have reportedly stated they are “down for experimenting.”

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