Inward Perfectionists Announce Plan to Permanently Shield Their Own Planets

The ruling irenic bureaucracy on Anduin has announced an ambitious plan to encase all of their habitable worlds with impenetrable shields.

Hav'uns, the xenophobic-pacifist humanoids native to Anduin, have long sought to cut off ties from the rest of the galaxy, preferring instead to focus on internal affairs.

Image: The Anduin Compact hopes to shield all of its worlds via a Global Pacifier by early 2252.

Scientists and engineers from across the Compact have been drafted in to work on the project. Their aim is to create a Colossus-class ship fitted with a 'Global Pacifier' beam which can irreversibly shield all 38 Hav'un worlds.

Addressing the Compact on an all-net broadcast this morning, oligarch Froyo stated: "All we asked was to be left alone. Our calm and peaceful society has little use for xenos who do not understand our way of life. We thought diplomatic restrictions would deter empires from contacting us - we were wrong. They continue to do so. As such we have been left with no choice to find a peaceful, and permanent, solution to this issue."

Image: Hav'un leader Froyo addresses the Compact from the Misty Mountain Palace on Anduin.

While officials declined to comment, it has been strongly implied that Froyo's statement was issued in direct response to the Hav'uns making first contact with the Blorg.

The Compact is expected to complete the Global Pacifier project later this year, with their homeworld scheduled to be shielded first in early 2252.

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Admiral Admits New Battleship Designed "Mainly to Look Good"

The first of the Ubaric Techno-Union's (UTU's) new generation of Onichron-class battleships has been launched at the Hyperion shipyard today.

The 10km long warship is fully complete and expected to undertake space trials later this month.

Image: The UTU Vapid, the Ubaric Techno-Union's newest Onichron-class battleship, is launched from the Hyperion Citadel Shipyard.

Hak'Nerg, a decorated Ubaric admiral, oversaw the launch. Naming the warship the UTU Vapid, he told an audience aboard the Hyperion shipyard: "The Onichron-class represents a new era in UTU military service - style over substance. While functionality is important, we really wanted to ensure we had a ship that just looked totally epic from any angle. What's the point of going to war if you can't get some great snaps of your own ships in action?"

While the previous generation of battleship bows were fitted with spinal mounts for XL weapon systems, the Onichron-class has been installed with a more modest hangar bay. Hak'Nerg said of this: "Sure it packs less of a punch, but how great does that pincer-like bow look? I want to screenshot it right now!"

Image: Schematics for the Onichron show it has been fitted with the less powerful more sleek 'Hangar Bow' module.

The Onichron's future had been in doubt after a UTU defence review concluded it was an 'inefficient' use of resources, and minerals would be better spent building a more powerful 'auto-best' battleship. 

Hak'Nerg was instrumental in petitioning the government to ignore the advice of the defence report. In concluding his speech he stated; "There's always going to be a need for good looking ships. The Onichron are designed specifically to look good in any space environment. The strategy is simple: we send them in first, dazzle the enemy with aesthetically pleasing hull proportions, and then sneak in our bulkier auto-best battleships behind them to do the real work."

The ship currently has 20,000 crew and is set to be ready for front-line duties from 2252.

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Planet Accidentally Terraformed Into Regular Icosahedron

An engineering firm has accidentally terraformed the planet of Gygax II into a regular icosahedron, local reports confirm.

Planetary Management Schemes (PMS) Inc, the company in charge of the project, has thus far declined to comment.

“This was definitely not intentional,” Q'Boid, a reptilian mid-level engineer at PMS who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion. "Someone, somewhere got their calculations majorly wrong.”

Image: Currently, a permanent colony is out of question, but several vacation properties and hotels have already been built along the planets edges.

Independent observers believe the conversion of the planet into a 20-sided structure is likely to be highly problematic, causing issues with structural instability, climate collapse and aesthetic irregularity.

“There’s a real risk the planet’s shape shifts further,” Q’Boid continued. “An icosahedron is a paradise compared to the horrors of toruses, cyclinders, 3D fractals... let alone shapes that extend into higher spatial dimensions beyond our comprehension." 

At press time, a group of private colonists have begun constructing numerous theme-parks and resorts on Gygax II to accommodate for a suddenly booming tourist industry. The planets first tourist center is already selling miniature models of the planet as souvenirs, and many colonists had begun numbering the sides for entertainment.

Post-Apocalyptic Purifiers Laud Orbital Bombardment Terraforming

The Hesukar Decimators Purification Committee has announced a major breakthrough in novel terraforming technology.

Speaking at this year's Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), Hesukar scientist Merg Pak stated that though "sheer luck" his species had discovered a technique that would make terraforming "cheap and accessible for all."

Image: Speaker Merg Pak presents Hesukar research on terraforming.

The announcement came as a surprise to many in the conference as the Hesukar, a post-apocalyptic molloscoid species of fanatic purifiers, have long been considered a technological backwater by more scientifically advanced neighbours.

Snarling at a packed auditorium behind a think pane of protective glass, Merg Pak continued:

"Like many young space-nations eating their way across the galaxy, we have longed to terraform many of our colonies. We yearn to provide our people with perfect environments on which to feast upon the flesh of xenos. We have spent decades trying to research how the terraforming process works to no avail.

But last year, everything we knew changed. It began with our first large-scale genocide campaign against a neighbouring species of plantoids. We placed our ships in orbit above their homeworld, and decided to initiate armageddon bombardment. Millions of plantoid pops perished. It was delightful to see. But as the planet crumbled, our sensors began stirring - habitability readings were going up and up. By the time all life forms had been extinguished, we had created the perfect world for our species - a jewel tomb world. And all for the cost of maintaining a fleet in orbit. That's how we discovered TERRORFORMING™."

Pak, in between bouts of furiously salivating at the prospect of devouring his audience, went on to describe how the Hesukar had begun a mass TERRORFORMING™ program on hundreds of developed planets in their local cluster.

Xenophobic factions have applauded the Hesukar's ingenuity, but have criticised how the terraforming technique has been sold as "suitable for all" given how it only applies to those species with post-apocalyptic traits.

Pak responded to this in his speech;

"Sorry - I should have been clear. This is a terraforming process suitable for all ... Hesukar. Silly xeno scum."

Pak finished his keynote delivery by ordering his attachment of guards to seal the conference doors while screaming "DINNER IS SERVED!"

FTL Inhibitors Found to Just Be Distracting Videos on Giant Screens in Space

Military strategists and other United Nations of Earth (UNE) officials are shocked this afternoon after the unexpected revelation that devices known as "FTL Inhibitors" only function because they distract the pilots and engineers in the target vessel from activating their FTL drive, not because they cause the drives to become temporarily inoperative.

FTL Inhibitors have been used by the UNE since their invention in 2207, but until now their exact mechanism was unknown. Today, it has been revealed that these devices are nothing more than high-power holographic projectors programmed to show amusing, interesting, or otherwise distracting moving images to anyone in the vicinity. As a result, members of the crew on any ship that flies near such a device cannot concentrate long enough to prepare and execute an FTL jump.

Image: A battleship navigator from the HS Argow of the Han-Ar Sovereignty is reluctant to activate the ship's FTL drive in the presence of an "FTL Inhibitor." Such traps have been known to stall the progress of entire fleets for months at a time, or until the device has been destroyed.

The document containing this information was leaked to the Shroud by an as-yet unnamed individual. This individual is presumed to be a member of the UNE Military Association on Strategy and Secrets (MASS) because the leaked document is labeled "TOP SECRET" in 3,701 languages, though it is possible that the individual is a highly-skilled outsider.

Representatives from MASS have also reported that several other critically important documents have been copied and stolen. The nature and scope of this leak is therefore not yet known, but it is likely that additional military secrets will be made public in the coming days, weeks, and months.

In response to the leak, President Jeffrey Rossario held a press and mind-link conference that was broadcast live across the galaxy. After discussing the scope of the leak and reassuring the public, President Rossario addressed the leaker directly:

“To whoever did this, I say this: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that we have a net negative energy credit flow. That bastard in charge of the Orion Sector keeps spending all our money. Uh, anyway, I’ve got a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired by forcibly removing them from other minds on the Shroud and incorporating them into my own. Did you know we could do that? It’s pretty cool. Basically my point is that if you give us back our secrets now, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will fire you into the Sun or whatever.”

Eager Scientist Wouldn’t Be So Eager if She Knew She Would Be Assisting Research

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

Enthusiastic scientist Iris Zheng is reportedly "overjoyed" after being selected to work for the United Nations of Earth (UNE) government this week.

The 27-year old meticulous archeologist graduated top of her class from the prestigious University of Ulm.

"I can't believe I'm saying it - I'm a UNE science officer!” Zheng told Xenonion. “I've had an interest in alien artifacts since as long as I can remember. And now, to think I'll be captaining my own science ship and exploring the universe, investigating anomalies and uncovering the mysteries of precusor civilizations. I'm so excited!"

Unbeknownst to Zheng however, the UNE has already explored most of its currently accessible space, and active science ships have been redirected to assist planetary research.

Image: Many scientists fear a career in assisting research.

"Assisting research is perhaps the most tedious thing a scientist can do,” Dr Brian Fisher, a UNE scientist told Xenonion. “You don't get the satisfaction of exploring and you don't get the credit for any technological breakthroughs. It's a bit of a career killer. Iris might seem keen now, but give it 3 months and we'll see how eager she is. And the best part? She can't retire!"

Zheng was unable to comment on the above as she had already been posted to her first mission, assisting research on a far-flung 8-tile human colony home to one basic science lab.

172-Year-Old Scientist With Paranoid, Arrested Development Traits Still Not Dead Yet

T'Valdra officials have confirmed that Monak Vigon, the 172-year old physics researcher with paranoid and arrested development traits is indeed still alive. 

This follows an increasing number of concerns raised by colleagues that his erratic behaviour is hampering research opportunities.

“We’re still cleaning out the particle accelerator from that time he became convinced it was commanding him to perform a ritual sacrifice of the entire intern pool inside it,” fellow physicist Rhass told Xenonion. “That was a rough week.”

Image: The T’Valdra particle accelerator remains shut down as work continues to dislodge chunks of flesh from vent ports.

Rhass firmly puts the blame for Vigon’s longevity with his colleagues in the Society Sciences Department, adding: “if they could just hold off pumping out Cell Revitalization tech every three seconds we might just have a shot at a natural retirement.”

Responding to the news that he still exists, Vigon spoke to reporters from his tent pitched outside the T’Valdra physics department earlier today, stating: “I’m not dead! That’s just what the deep state want you to think! Wake up! Our elected government are REPTILES. LITERAL REPTILES!” The interview was cut short when Vigon caught sight of his reflection in a shard of glass and began hysterically clawing at his face.

The T’Valdra government has not formally commented on Vigon’s continued employment, nor his request for a further batch of interns.

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Area Empire Develops "Entirely Safe" Xenomorph Army

LSS Nostromos Science Ship, Zunar J-5 System, Luuhma Combine

The Luuhma Combine, an empire of militarist-materialist humanoids, today confirmed it has successfully completed development of a controversial new biological weapons program.

The weapons, called 'Xenomorphs' are in essence a novel species of arthropods that have been genetically engineered as ferocious warriors.

While not yet fully battle-tested, it is hoped Xenomorphs can be utilised in both offensive and defensive Luuhma armies by 2252.

Dr. Reedlay Scoot, chief military researcher on the project told our newsteam:

"For decades we've been looking for a way to enhance our army's capabilities. We've tried adding attachments to armies, but that was too time consuming. We tried cybernetically enhancing or cloning our soldiers, but public opinion turned against that. So effectively all we were left with was bioweapons - and that's how we came up with this project."

Xenomorphs are based on DNA Luuhma scientists harvested surreptitiously from Scythaans, a neighbouring species of hyper-aggressive, fanatic purifier arthropods. Desirable traits that the Scythaans lack, such as intelligence and obedience, were added later in the Xenomorph's development. Dr. Scoot explained:

"Obviously I can't tell you too much, but basically we designed the Xenomorph to undergo several metamorphoses during its life-cycle that would provide opportune moments to refine its development. Xenomorph eggs are developed in a lab and implanted orally into volunteer Luuhmas from our criminal justice system. Don't worry, it's very safe and they're reimbursed with a voucher for a free meal at TacoBell. Anyway, once the Xenomorph develops into a larvae, its gains genetic traits by devouring the Luuhma from within. The clawed abomination then usually bursts through the hosts chest and begins its grotesque career as an adult. It's the adult form that's very, very dangerous and makes a perfect weapon!"

Image: A fully developed xenomorph displayed in a biocontainment tank.

Developed on a secure research vessel in the Zunar J-5 System, Xenomorphs can grow to 3m tall and weigh up to 300kg. They are equipped with hundreds of teeth, several large claws, a long muscular tail and acidic blood.

While combat data has yet to be generated, Luuhma officials are confident the creatures will be efficient and obedient warriors. Several uninhabited planets in the region, such as LV-462, have been identified for battle trials.

However, multiple military personnel, and indeed the Galactic UN, have expressed concern regarding the Luuhma's bioweapon's project.

Kane Gutscäre, head of the Galactic UN's Department of Mild-To-Moderate Concern told us;

"To say we're mildly or moderately concerned would be accurate. While bioweapons aren't strictly prohibited by galactic law, and the Luuhma are doing their best to keep development on a secure lab aboard the LSS Nostromo, these Xenomorphs are still a complete unknown, and we really don't know what will happen when they're operational. You only have to look at the fatality rate of 100% for Xenomorph hosts, and the high rate of staff on the research vessel being mutilated to confirm that."

Dr. Scoot has dismissed these claims, stating:

"This is outrageous. If this new technology was dangerous it would have been clearly flagged as that when we began research. It's not like we're doing something wild like making jump drives here or anything. All our data suggests these Xenomorphs will be just as obedient as if we had cloned our soliders. The simulations suggest there would be minimal collateral damage if they were released into a civilian population. The staff that have been severely disfigured by Xenomorph bites were due to initial teething problems - no pun intended. And anyway - we included an ingenious fail-sail to prevent them from reproducing - all specimens are female!'

Luuhma's research partners have applauded the new technology for its originality as well as its potential in combat. They are expected to soon develop similar technologies pending the outcome of battle-testing.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible