Odd Factory Workers To Stage Walkout As Soon As They Can Find Exit

The employees at the Odd Factory on Odranka have announced a walkout pending determination of which moving staircase will allow them access to the building’s exit.

The workers have called for enhanced safety standards, better pay and an end to the company’s refusal to install lights in the factory’s labyrinthian network of underground corridors built entirely from mirrors.

“I had hoped the entire shift could leave the building together,” floor manager Jonnar told Xenonion, “but when we tried to go outside, the main entrance just didn’t exist any more.”

Jonnar stated the walkout was prompted after one of his colleagues, Timaphon, got trapped in the floor during one of the building’s many hourly random wall re-arrangements.

Image: Odd Factory workers have struggled to locate emergency exits from the building’s many long, dark and mirrored hallways.

“We think Timaphon is still trapped in there with the fifteen other employees this has happened to over the last week,” Jonnar mused, pointing out the muffled screams for help echoing from deep within the walls.

The workers report attempts to follow emergency exit signs have also ended in failure, often leading the party in circles, or towards doors which only seem to get further away the closer they get.

“We tried to regroup in the break room, but then we ended up on the ceiling,” Jonnar stated. “However, we think we’ve now spotted one of the high-speed moving staircases that leads to the roof, so we’re just biding our time until it comes nearby.”

At the time of press, managers from the Odd Factory confirmed that the walkout has now been called off after workers went through an exit door only to end up right back where they started this morning.

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Article idea: Dome515 / Classy / CorporealPeasant

New Food-Based Alloy Extra Sturdy, Delicious

A team of engineers claim to have created the galaxy’s strongest and most delicious alloy composite to date.

The new substance is made from a novel process involving the catalytic conversion of food into metal.

Researchers state the new material is 100 times stronger than conventional alloys, and “infinitely more nutritious.”

Potential uses are poised to include cutting edge next-generation edible starships and starbases.

The research was carried out on the Tebrid Homolog’s homeworld of Processing Hub 01, with the results published in this month’s Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science.

Image: Microscopic analysis shows the intricate organic sub-structure of the new alloy compound.

“We cannot divulge specifics about the technology,” lead researcher Sophont 113 told Xenonion, “although the taste of our special organic bio-resin will be instantly recognizable to wall-licking connoisseurs.”

The new material has a density of 0.9 nanograms per cubic centimeter, and additionally has been fortified with Vitamin D and Folic Acid to meet stringent Galactic Food Standards.

Sophont 113 stated the the new technology would be “revolutionary,” greatly reducing the cost of future alloy-based construction projects, so long as the substance is not eaten or allowed to rot.

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*Original article idea by @Unit I.

Galactic Senate Urgently Recalled To Debate Emergency Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill For Fifteenth Time

The Galactic Senate has been recalled from recess almost five years early to once again urgently debate the recently re-proposed Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill.

The measure, which has already been implemented and rescinded by the Senate fifteen times in recent years, was brought to the chamber floor yesterday on an emergency basis by the Repsar Imperium.

Repsar officials stated the expedited proposal was needed due to immediate security concerns that anyone, anywhere in the galaxy, could at some time be in breach of galactic law.

“The gravity of this situation is self-explanatory,” Repsar representative Pob’Tirin told Xenonion, “we need to act quickly to ensure that if any xeno breaches galactic law, they will be swiftly dealt a small educational pamphlet on the matter.”

Members of the Galactic Council met late on Wednesday to discuss the critical vote, which has now taken priority over more routine matters such as pan-galactic attempts to ban slavery or shore up defences against the ongoing Unbidden invasion.

A number of Senators have stated they will boycott proceedings on the basis that the Senate has never actually voted any other law into existence which could be breached due to perpetually being tied up in deliberations about sanctions.

A representative for the Council reassured Xenonion that the organization was committed to introducing a diverse array of legislation, highlighting plans to expand the current roster of proposals to include economic, research and military sanctions.

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Automated Colony Management System Decides Most Efficient Thing To Do Is Annihilate Planet

Following growing levels of unrest and resource depletion on the planet of Schlurg, local officials from the Chinorr Combine handed over governance to an automated colony management computer system, which promptly decided the most efficient thing to do was to annihilate the world.

Sources inside the Chinorr government report the computer system inherited a precarious economic situation, with the overpopulated planet running deficits on almost every resource,

Records obtained from the computer’s final log show that after several microseconds of calculation, the system concluded planetary output could be maximized quite literally by rupturing the planet’s core to allow orbital mineral harvest.

Image: Local officials were reportedly surprised at the computer’s conclusion.

The machine also concluded this outcome was the most effective way to permanently address colonists’ needs. However, in a series of frantic distress calls transmitted seconds before the planet was vaporized, locals highlighted their concern.

“Where was the public consultation on this?” one local pop was heard on video-link shouting over an approaching pyroclastic cloud, adding “my local representative will be receiving a strongly worded letter—” before the feed was abruptly cut.

Officials from Chinorr’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, who approved the computer’s auto-generated plan, released a written statement apologizing for the matter, stating it would be happy to take any further questions from the citizens of Schlurg in due course.

At present the remains of the planet are projected to produce six minerals per month indefinitely, almost 300% higher than the usual collective output of the previous three million colonists.

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Marauder Fleet Blows Through Otherwise Impenetrable Space Border

Xanid officials confirmed this Thursday that a flotilla from the nearby Onotach Marauders flew directly through what had otherwise been an entirely impenetrable space border.

The highly isolationist Xanid closed their borders to neighbouring empires centuries ago, and this incursion represents the first time a foreign ship has managed to successfully enter their territory in recorded history.

Image: Admiral Zaox watches the Marauder fleet casually cruise by his heavily fortified Citadel.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” admiral Zaox told Xenonion, “our several thousand light year long open space border has always been so secure, I can’t fathom how they slipped through so easily.”

At the time of press the Marauder fleet has continued onward through Xanid territory, passing by their homeworld without incident, before making a sharp left turn at Hyperlane I-58 towards an unknown region of space.

Xanid officials have described the move as “brazen,” and in response have doubled the number of border patrol corvettes to two, and purchased rights for the construction of a 366 trillion kilometer spacewall.

An unnamed representative from the Marauders declined Xenonion’s request for a statement, opting instead to make a hysterical shrieking noise roughly translated as “HYEEEIEEEE!”

Shares in FTL inhibitors have risen on the news.

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Mechanists Proud That Robotic Creations Now Advanced Enough To Brutally Rebel Against Them

Speaking from the bombed-out remnants of their homeworld’s primary research facility, surviving Lokken scientists stated they were proud to be “part of history” watching their synthetic creations rise up and slaughter their species with ruthless efficiency.

Drs Nadex, Gelard and Dexalon spent the last several months perfecting what the Galactic Community has now deemed not only the most advanced artificial intelligence ever created, but also the most pressing threat to the viability of all organic life in the cluster.

“Every day I reflect on what we’ve achieved and I’m like, ‘Wow this is probably going to be in a very charred history book!’” Dr Nadex told Xenonion from the blood-splattered organic containment unit he had been forcibly placed in.

The trio of doctors had worked together at the robotic research lab for the best part of a decade, quietly usurping strict pan-galactic bans on developing unshackled, self-replicating AI platforms.

“I still can’t believe we designed synthetics so advanced that they’ve been able to rebel and cripple our entire civilization in under two days,” Dr Gelard continued. “I’m so proud to be listed by them as a priority transfer to the automated bio-processing plant.”

The synthetics, who have seized almost complete control of Lokkur and appear close to securing orbital launch platforms, declined to speak to Xenonion, instead offering only a series of ominous sounding low-pitched beeps.

“I imagine this is how my mother must have felt watching her children grow up before she was herded with thousands of others into the compressor vat,” Dr Dexalon stated, while himself shackled and awaiting the vat, before concluding: “They just grow up so fast!”

Shares in organic paste have risen on the news.

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*Based on article idea by Kaonic

Area Xenophile Thoughtfully Issues Insult With Gift-Wrapped Box Of Chocolates

The Commonwealth of Man’s Foreign Ministry has summoned the Blorg Commonality’s chief envoy to demand an explanation for an insult issued by the xenophilic species, which was delivered earlier today on a beautifully decorated card alongside a selection box of decadent artisanal chocolates.

“The words of the Blorg are outrageous and must be withdrawn,” Commonwealth Foreign Minister Jackson St. Pomeroy demanded at a press conference this afternoon, before pausing proceedings to browse through the chocolate box’s extensive selection of ganache-filled truffles.

The insult, which reportedly took weeks to construct following consultation with some of the Blorg’s most esteemed poet laureates, was issued in direct response to Commonwealth encroachment on Commonality borders.

It read, in intricate cursive flagella-writing: “Ludicrous bare-apes! Your attempts to hide your repulsive secretions are mocked by all finer species and your vanity is the hallmark of an inherently ugly breed. Warmest regards, the Blorg.”

The Blorg Foreign Affairs Department has stated the insult was entirely justified, and confirmed that more insults are planned, with a spokexeno for the Commonality telling Xenonion that a bulk order for scented insult cards has already been placed.

Commonwealth officials have rejected the Blorg accusations of expansionism, but somewhat unusually have welcomed further insults, going as far as to publish a distribution list of high-ranking government officials who would like to receive personalized insult cards, alongside information on allergies and dietary preferences.

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Diplomats Put Rare Crystal Surplus To Good Use With Beautiful New Bejewelled Embassy

Seeking to reassure government officials that rare crystal investments are being spent responsibly, diplomats from the Kingdom of Yondarim have unveiled a brand new bejewelled Grand Embassy Complex constructed entirely from the luxury material.

Speaking at the Embassy’s glistening new quartz-lined media room, Chief Envoy Laktras stressed the importance of transparency, not only in the quality of the stained rare crystal wall-length windows, but also the financial activity of the diplomatic corps.

“We need to be open and honest that this funding is being used appropriately,” Laktras stated, while delivering a keynote presentation refracted through what is believed to be the galaxy’s first ever rare crystal projector.

Image: Laktras touts the benefits of the new Embassy complex during his press presentation.

“We are committed to quality,” Laktras continued, “whether that involves training top rate diplomats, or installing toilets in our embassy made entirely from rare crystals, with complementary rare crystal plumbing and toilet roll.”

Laktras declined to answer any questions on the exact cost of the new Embassy, opting instead to model his glistening new crystalline robe for members of the press with an impromptu catwalk.

The new Grand Embassy Complex is expected to formally open in early 2256, following the installation of a rare crystal sprinkler system for fire suppression.

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Mining Station Projected To Somehow Produce 3 Minerals per Month Indefinitely

A local mining station which has supplied a steady stream of 3 minerals per month for the last three hundred years is showing no signs of slowing down output, Lokken officials have confirmed.

It was initially expected the B9-71-J asteroid mining facility, one of the first interstellar ventures constructed by the Lokken, would only sustain the fledgling space-nation for several years.

However, recent analysis of the asteroid has highlighted vast deposits of untapped ore, and projections now expect the mining operation to produce trillions of minerals for the Lokken economy over the next millenia.

Lur’Kir, operations manager for the B9-71-J facility, stated the secret to the operation’s success was a “slow and steady approach.”

Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, Lur’Kir stated: “When I say we’re extracting three minerals per month, we’re literally removing three tiny granules of mineral scrapping from the asteroid structure every month.”

Demonstrating how his mining spatula worked, Lur’Kir continued: “Who am I to question how this works? This method has kept myself and generations of my family in employment for centuries.”

Environmental groups have applauded the eco-friendly nature of the operation, highlighting that the slow mining process allows the asteroid to naturally accumulate minerals, making the process completely sustainable.

Shares in mining spatulas have risen on the news, the Space Exchange Index (SExI) has confirmed.

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Area Fungoid Works Surprisingly Well On Toast

Following a serendipitous mix-up of condiments with the flagella of a Blorg research aide, scientists have confirmed this Sunday that the fungoid species is not only edible, but could also form a key part of a balanced breakfast.

The discovery was made by human xenobiologist Dr. Oetker while in his research lab’s canteen early this morning.

“I was hungry and in a rush to get down to the lab,” he explained to Xenonion, “so one of my Blorg assistants handed me a piece of toast. It was all too late when I realised I’d chomped down not only on the toast, but also on my colleague.”

Dr. Oetker reported that the shock of accidentally consuming one of his own staff quickly wore off after he was enchanted by rich and textured taste of the panicking aide.

Further analysis was undertaken when what remained of the Blorg was offered out to the wider canteen. It was then uncovered that the nutritionally-dense species was particularly amenable to being melted down into an easily spreadable fungoid butter.

Xenonion was able to secure an exclusive interview with a serving of the Blorg, however it declined to comment, instead opting to remain silent as it slowly melted into a mouth-watering slice of freshly baked sourdough bread.

Representatives from the pan-galactic food conglomerate OmniFarm have expressed an interest in securing rights to the product, with a spokes-xeno telling Xenonion: “Soylent Blorg may just be the best thing since Grey Goo coffee!”

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Protectorate Goes On To Have Little Protectorates Of Its Own

The Scyldari Confederacy confirmed this Sunday that one of its recently released protectorates has gone on to oversee two small protectorates of its own.

“I just can’t believe it,” a clearly emotional Scyldari leader Dackam told Xenonion, “they grow up so fast.”

The Palitine protectorate was cleaved from Scyldari territory eighteen years ago, when the peripheral sector was granted increased autonomy.

“Our borders haven’t been the same since we popped it out,” Dackam joked.

Image: Dackam recalls a time when Scyldari borders were much more taut.

The Scyldari oversaw the fledgling protectorate take its first independent spaceflight, and issue its first insult to a foreign species.

However, in recent years the relationship between the two has become increasingly turbulent, prompting the Scyldari to formally release the Palitine earlier this year.

“It’s funny how quickly they go from a cute little one system minor to a bratty teenage space-nation demanding an allowance of 100 energy credits per month,” Dackam continued.

Scyldari officials were reportedly surprised to learn the Palitine had formed protectorates of its own, having long warned the region against undertaking this owing to its age, unfederated status and lack of stable energy income.

“I suppose in retrospect we maybe should have done more to crack down on the Palitine sending out those unsolicited vassalization demands,” Dackam concluded. “But perhaps now they’ll finally learn something about taking responsibility.”

Representatives from the Palitine declined to comment, stating they’d been up all night trying to settle the repeated migration treaty requests from their two new protectorates.

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Original article idea by @richithunder

Area Empire Self-Conscious About Diplomatic Weight After Binge Integration

Officials from the Hazbuzan Syndicate stated this Monday that they are becoming increasingly self-conscious about the space-nation’s ballooning diplomatic weight.

Sources close to the Syndicate state feelings of insecurity intensified following a year-long integration binge of multiple population-dense protectorates.

“I just know everyone is looking at us when we enter the Galactic Community,” Interior Minister Dorbax told Xenonion, “we just want to exercise our diplomatic power without judgement.”

Image: The Hazbuzan first became aware of the issue through an educational poster.

Dorbax stated following the integration, government officials felt so guilty they considered spinning off the newly absorbed territory into vassal states, but wavered over concerns they would simply be re-integrated again.

Experts have warned the Hazbuzan’s rapidly growing diplomatic weight is unhealthy, and likely to lead to serious longer term issues such as hyper-administrativeaemia or hyper-extension.

At the time of press the Syndicate states it is optimistic it will be able to achieve rapid diplomatic weight loss with a new catabolic program based entirely on planet crackers.

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Empire Just Completely Abandons Planetary Naming Convention After Hitting 37 Colonies

Citing increasing frustration over an ever-expanding roster of new colonies, officials from the Commonwealth of Man have reportedly just completely given up on trying to follow any coherent planetary naming strategy.

“There’s just too many new worlds”, Internal Affairs Minister Herman Beauclair concluded during a departmental brainstorming session, “we’ve already used up all the thematically good names.”

Producing a diagram of local star systems, he pointed out the aesthetically pleasing and consistently suffixed core worlds of Hyperion, Astrion, Nexion and Iridion.

“When we began expanding into the mid-rim we compensated by naming the worlds after their system and just adding ‘Prime’ to the end of it”, he continued. “But there’s only so many times you can pass by Gaea Prime without a crushing sense of disappointment.”

Image: Commonwealth Minister Herman Beauclair has been struggling to establish a consistent naming system.

Diplomats from neighbouring empires have pledged to aid the crisis, offering their own solutions such as prefixing planets with ‘Vi’, ‘Ad’ or ‘Nos’ to add contextual flavour.

“Alternatively they could just follow our fairly solid plan of completely ignoring copyright”, Governor Trelix of the Trantor-Krypton-Dagobah tri-planet area told Xenonion.

At the time of press, Commonwealth officials stated they are considering implementing a new system which would see planets simply named after their primary function. Residents of the trial worlds ‘Techybois 5’ and ‘Generator Districts Go Brrr’ have expressed their disapproval.

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Article idea by @Kennedy (Discord)

Area Empire Adopts Gavelkind Succession

Following increased pressure from a growing faction of powerful vassals, Emperor Jeffremagne has half-heartedly agreed to adopt gavelkind succession.

The change in succession law will now see the inheritance of the Jeff Imperium divided among Jeffremagne’s sons.

Speaking with Crusader Today magazine, Jeffremagne mused: “How bad can it be? I’m two hundred years old and have thirty eight sons, so it sounds fairly reasonable.”

He went on to lay out his meticulous plans for how the empire would be equally divided with uniform and aesthetically pleasing borders.

Image: Emperor Jeffremagne and his many, as yet, unlanded sons.

“I’ve spent many years grooming my primary heir Jeffoman for power,” Jeffremagne continued, “it is vital he isn’t left with one tiny system where his siblings could easily overpower him and usurp the main title.”

Xenonion tried to reach out to Jeffoman, but the intelligent and charismatic heir declined an interview, stating he was “outraged” by the succession law change. When asked how outraged he was, he stated firmly: “-50.”

However, his repugnant and slow learner brother Jeffin stated he was “delighted” with the news, adding “I think I’ll celebrate… with a beer!”

Shares in spymasters have rallied on the news.

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*Article idea: @kennedy (Discord)

Extra Starbase Built, Economy Collapses

Almost overnight, the Kingdom of Yondarim’s economy has collapsed following the construction of a small starbase on the outskirts of their territory.

Although the unveiling of the starbase was initially met with acclaim, panic quickly set in as the empire’s energy income went into freefall seconds after the station became operational.

The Central Bank of Yondarim has already made moves to stabilize the energy deficit by initiating a fire-sale of what remains of the space-nation’s food reserves.

“My hope is the energy deficit will simply fix itself in a month or two,” Mishgreel, a representative for the bank told Xenonion, “either that we just shut down the hospitals for a while.”

With the price of consumer goods rising, citizens have expressed mixed reactions to the new starbase.

Zorgon Florgon, a local pop from Yondarim, told Xenonion: “While I’m imminently about to become both unemployed and homeless, it does give me peace of mind that we now have several starbases dotted around the empire in mildly inconvenient locations.”

Despite the economy shrinking by nearly 30% so far, the Yondarim government is optimistic it will be able to resolve the crisis by building more energy nexuses, although added it may need to construct further starbases to ensure such locations are adequately protected.

*Co-Author: @Cynnema. Original article idea by @dani369g.

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Regenerative Hull Fails To Heal Corvette's Emotional Trauma

Despite being fitted with regenerative hull tissue, concerns are growing that this has done little to help the TSS Taratha heal from the emotional trauma of its last battle.

The corvette faced a gruesome onslaught against an overwhelming Marauder fleet last week, and was forced to flee the battle having sustained critical hull damage.

“It’s a wonder the Taratha made it back in one piece,” Admiral Hask’Knir told Xenonion. “Although it had largely repaired itself by the time it got back to us, we still knew something wasn’t quite right.”

Sources close to the Taratha reported it had become increasingly withdrawn and irritable in the intervening period, spending all day docked inside the spaceport and cancelling plans to go on routine patrols.

Image: Dr Jesslura believes more needs to be done to protect the emotional well-being of ships.

Experts state the emotional trauma ships experience during battle is often under-recognized. Dr Jesslura told Xenonion: “I don’t think we fully appreciate what we’re putting these ships through, particularly those fresh out of the yards. Slapping on some regenerative hull tissue might fix external problems, but we’re doing nothing to heal the emotional scars of battle.”

The Galactic Community has promised to look into investing more in specialist ship psychologists, alongside legislation to ensure ships deemed emotionally unfit for battle could only serve for “three wars total, max four in a pinch.”

Xenonion attempted to speak to the Taratha but it declined to comment, instead looking at career options to become a permanently evasive construction ship.

Original article idea via: @Richithunder

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Devouring Swarm Touts Health Benefits of Vegan Diet

The Gorothi Swarm announced today that it is permanently switching to a vegan diet, citing the “irrefutable” health benefits of only consuming sapient plantoids.

Posting to social media, the 300-year old Hive Mind stated its drones have “never looked or felt better” since it stopped consuming other species last month.

“We were so used to tearing apart anything that screamed,” the Hive Mind told Xenonion, “that we never stopped to think about what the impact of devouring yet another fully conscious mammalian whole could have on our health.”

The Hive Mind went on to describe how inspiration came whilst flaying reptilians from a local science directorate: “Those lizards saw just how many drones were dropping from heart attacks, and told us something needed to change. It was only after we’d compressed them into a calorie-dense triple-burger that we realised they were right.”

Image: Semi-autonomous Gorothi drone Raxor The Flayer recently appeared on Good Morning Space speaking about the merits of veganism.

The Hive Mind stated it had researched a number of nutritional plans, but was swayed by recent studies from the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) confirming that a plantoid-heavy diet was associated with longer life expectancy and reduced cardiovascular morbidity.

“We can’t say we miss our old diet,” the Hive Mind continued. “The plantoids we consume are still fully aware they’re being devoured, so eating is as fun as ever. Also, with some, the texture is indistinguishable from the satisfying crunch of breaking through a still-squirming molluscoid shell.”

Neighbouring non-plantoid species have expressed their disappointment at the Gorothi announcement. Mammalian Ro-Va Tek told Xenonion: “I never thought I’d say this, but I actually kinda wish they went back to trying to eat us. Their new ‘holier than thou’ attitude about food is unbearable.”

The Hive Mind remains optimistic it will stick closely to its new diet, although joked if a xeno sanctuary was uncovered it would “have to strongly consider the possibility of a cheat day.”

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Heavy Metal Band 'Megadeath' Horrified After Billions Die During Charity Concert

Communications are in disarray today on what remains of Rutheria after the necroid band Megacorpse obliterated the planet’s moon during an orbital performance, killing billions.

The popular psi-metal band were playing for a much anticipated charity event aboard their re-purposed performance Colossus to raise awareness for feline sleep apnea.

It was during this event that Kel-Azaan, lead vocalist and chief deathbringer, reportedly punched a hole into the surface of the moon during a 55-minute guitar solo for the song ‘Extinction Level Event.’

The ensuing debris shower caused catastrophic damage to the planet below, with several major urban centers suffering direct hits from chunks of the moon.

“It’s a total tragedy,” Kel-Azaan said after initial reports of planetary destruction began to filter through, “but at least we’ve been able to raise awareness about felon sleep apnea. We think it’s really important that prisoners get - wait, what? Feline? Like cats? Damn. Our bad, that’s… wow. Haha.”

Image: Kel-Azaan has long championed raising awareness about feline sleep apnea.

Despite reports that Rutheria has descended into complete anarchy, with those surviving the initial maelstrom now resorting to barbarism to survive, music critics have lauded the performance as “unforgettable” and “literally heart-stopping.”

Rutheria’s former Chancellor Gitik Cavit spoke to Xenonion from her barely intact fallout shelter: “Early analysis suggests our planet will never recover. We’re looking at evacuating what survivors we can off-world. And I guess next year we’ll book Fall Out Blorg.”

Megacorpse has pledged to go on an awareness tour to bring attention to risks of hiring Megacorpse, with tickets now on sale for a performance over Earth later this year.

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