Science Nexus Finds Every Alternate Dimension Has Edgy Xenophobic Humans

Every alternate dimension contains some variant on edgy xenophobic humans, new research has found.

The discovery was made after United Nations of Earth (UNE) researchers perfected wormhole stabilization technology, allowing expedition teams to be sent into parallel universes.

The analysis, undertaken by the UNE’s Science Nexus in Barnard’s Star, was published last week in the prestigious Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science.

“It’s been astounding to discover that not only do humans exist in every single alternate universe,” lead research Dr. Robert Gillyman told Xenonion, “but that every single one were some form of xenophobic militarists structured around worshiping some almighty god-emperor type guy.”

Image: Dr. Gillyman aboard the UNE’s Science Nexus.

The study highlighted that of the thousands of alternate universes identified, over 95% of human space-nations had ‘Imperium’, ‘Empire’, ‘Dominion’ or ‘Commonwealth’ in their name, with nearly 5% utilizing all of the above at once.

Dr. Gillyman commented: “I can now understand why the original ‘Imperium of Man’ from Universe #40000 has been filing copyright claims left, right and center after it was able to reverse engineer our wormhole technology.”

Researchers did uncover a number of unique non-xenophobic human empires, including a cowboy civilization, inwardly meditative isolationists and a science directorate, but as Dr. Gillyman explained: “Every time we dispatched a team to investigate, the target civilization would invariably rally against us as a perceived alien threat and - boom - xenophobic inquisition. And to think we used to say no-one expects a xenophobic inquisition…”

Dr. Gillyman was able to show Xenonion a telecomm link to his counterpart in the cowboy civilization of Universe #84105B, however Dr. Gillyman #84105B declined to formally comment on recent events, stating: “No time, I’ve got a herd of Tiyanki to move to Sirius before the fortnight!” The call was abruptly ended after he was heard to slap the thighs of his space horse and shout “H’YAH, BORON, LET’S GET!”

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Death Cult Despoilers Disappointed to Find Abducted Pops Robotic, Lacking in Sacrificial Organs

The Inzakari Rippers’ leadership cabal has voiced its disappointment after learning that the latest tranche of pops abducted from a neighbouring empire were actually synthetic and entirely lacking in viable organs for planned sacrificial rituals.

“At this point we’re not even sure that they’re alive”, general and senior flayer Oderus told Xenonion. “Sure, they’re capable of emulating fear and terror, but the reanimation rituals kinda fall flat when there’s no skin to strip, blood to drink or organs to unceremoniously tear out.”

Envoys from the raided Dynax Construction Matrix responded curtly to the comments, issuing a press release dismissing the Inzakari’s “dangerous prejudice”, adding its machine pops were “as good for abduction and sacrifice as any organic equivalent.”

Image: Senior flayer Oderus worries the empire’s new automated blood-letting processing line will struggle to work with synthetic pops.

The Inzakari, famed for their barbarity and extreme violence, have yet to formally respond, although insider reports suggest that the Galactic Community’s Committee for Organic Assimilation has received a fleshletter of complaint written entirely in blood from Deathlord Korr.

Oderus stated: “I don’t know what to do. We tried ripping out their processing units but the feigned beeps for help really took all the magic and pageantry out of the gutting ceremony. Also, their metallic husks are just super uncomfortable to wear compared against a good-old fashioned bone helmet.

At the time of writing the Inzakari have also reportedly called off a planned invasion of Blorg Prime, with Deathlord Korr issuing a rare diplomatic missive: “I hope you're all happy, we're just gonna do our own thing for a while, I guess. Whatever."

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Area Bureaucracy Just One More Form Away From Hitting Admin Cap, Imploding

Ethir officials have pleaded with pops not to file any further government forms due to the risk of tipping the empire over its administrative capacity.

“We’re in a really precarious situation right now,” bureaucrat Ib-Na told Xenonion, “if we have to process even one more form, our bureaucracy will literally collapse.”

Insider sources at the empire’s Bureau of Bureaucracy have warned that regional administrative offices are being stretched to breaking point after government officials enacted a spate of new edicts covering almost thirty planets.

Image: Ethir bureaucrat Ib-Na.

“It’s just a perfect storm”, Ib-Na continued, “somehow we have to organize pan-empire breeding programs, farming subsidies and increase political thought, all while the end of our tax year approaches.”

Citizens have taken a mostly ambivalent stance towards the emergency message. Flor-No, an area technician, stated: “Look, I’m filing the paperwork to rename my cat whether they like it or not.”

Ethir bureaucrats have not confirmed how they will proceed, but did advise they would be testing the effectiveness of their emergency message by sending every citizen a thirteen page feedback form to complete.

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Scientist Promises to Get Round to Translating Growing Backlog of Alien Communications Sometime Soon

The United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) Chief Society Researcher Dr Malcolm Sedgwick has reassured government officials that he is definitely going to clear the backlog of untranslated alien communications at some point soon.

The scientist, based at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, has reportedly now amassed over twenty first contact communications still waiting to be deciphered.

“I know it’s really important that we’re able to understand what other space-faring species are saying”, Dr Sedgwick told Xenonion while tidying his office, “particularly since that one empire keeps attacking our ships and abducting frontier colonists for reasons unknown.”

While stacking papers on his desk, he explained: “I sat down to tackle it today, but then I realized just how much of a mess my office was. How could I translate anything admist all this chaos? That’s why I spent a few hours hoovering and dusting, and then drove into town and bought myself some folders and and post-it notes.”

Image: Dr Sedgwick’s growing task list is also competing with his sudden urge to defrag his computer.

Showing off a post-it note crammed with ‘jobs to do’, none of which mentioned translating, he continued: “I was only slightly waylaid on my return to the office after I realized I forgotten to decontaminate myself after handling that Javorian Pox sample in the lab. But I always work better after a shower anyway so I think that was important ‘me’ time.”

After fully reorganizing his bookshelf, filing cabinet, post-it note labeling system and desktop computer folder naming convention, Dr Sedgwick invited us to sit and watch him undertake the translation.

However, it was only moments later when after looking at his watch he suddenly realised it was approaching 5pm. “I need to get some food,” he stated,” and by the time I’m done, it’ll be so late there’s no point in me starting tonight. I think I’ll just get up extra early tomorrow morning and start afresh. Although I haven’t spoken to my mother in a while, perhaps I should phone her then…”

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Sol Transit Hub Just LaGuardia, But In Space

Construction on Sol’s new transit hub is nearing completion, with officials announcing that New York’s LaGuardia Airport has been successfully excavated and towed into Earth’s orbit.

Consistently voted the planet’s worst airport by passenger satisfaction, engineering officials were quick to identify its suitability for being moved into space.

“We had thought about building a brand new transit hub,” project engineer Brian Walker told local media, “but then came the realization that we already had a monolithic concrete and windowless structure right on our doorstep!”

Officials were also reportedly impressed by the airport’s ability to function at low oxygen levels, with passengers frequently crammed into small spaces far beyond recommended capacity for prolonged periods of time.

Walker continued: “It works out well for everyone. We get a free spaceport and New York gets a giant crater that’s tripled nearby land value since LaGuardia was gouged out.”

The airport has remained entirely operational throughout the move, with domestic flights continuing to experience delays of up to three weeks, and passengers reporting no noticeable differences in journeys.

Kelly Kuzina, an Ulm native attempting to travel home, told local media: “I suppose it’s a bit weird to hear we’re in space, but honestly my priority right now is sourcing sustenance. I’m running out of viable organs to pay for a food court meal deal.”

Mario Msibi, a check-in desk attendant, added: “I’ve found the move great. It’s so much quicker for me to get home from work now with the bimonthly planetary shuttle.”

LaGuardia is due to accept trans-galatic spaceflights from early next year. It is also hoped the hub will serve as a deterrent to any hostile aliens, with officials reminding neighboring species they can hurl LaGuardia at populated planets “any time they want.”

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Xeno-Compatibility Experts Still Not Sure How This Whole Necroid Thing Will Work Out

Xeno-Compatibility experts have raised concerns as to how the process will work with necroids.

The undead species class is expected to be formally recognized as sapient by the Galactic Community later this month.

Following this, it is anticipated necroids will be eligible to participate in Xeno-Compatibility, an advanced form of genetic melding which allows the creation of novel hybrid species.

“I just don’t see how this is going to work”, xenobiology expert Dr Thaloth told Xenonion earlier today while clutching a picture of a necroid pop. “I mean… look at it. Imagine the smell.”

Image: Dr Thaloth highlights concerns about necroid suitability for genetic melding.

Producing anatomical diagrams covered extensively in annotations and interrobangs, Dr Thaloth continued: “These ones are called ‘necrophages.’ I’m an expert in xenobiology and even I can’t tell you which orifice they use for eating.” After a long pause, she quickly added “- food. Eating food.”

A consortium of scientists from across the Galactic Community have agreed with Dr Thaloth, sharing concerns on necroid interface with Xeno-Compatibility’s patented DNAHole© technology, and the viability of half-necroid species.

Dr Thaloth concluded: “This certainly marks the last time I ever go for a swim in our giant vat of galactic DNA.”

Others have been more optimistic about the prospect of necroid cross-breeding. Schlerma, molluscoid spokesxeno for the Interstellar Pervert Association, stated: “I think we should welcome our new friends with open minds, and cloacae. I myself am volunteering as a test subject. All in the name of science of course.”

Xenophobic groups from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to the news. Garbanog, leader of the Purity Faction, told Xenonion: “I’ve got a quick fix, just give me two colossi and about six months.”

Necroids are set to be formally recognized by the Galactic Community on October 29th. Membership of Xeno-Compatibility’s commercial dating website has risen dramatically on the news.

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Fledgling Empire With Influence Deficit Resolves To “Simply Make More”

The Keth Cooperative has announced ambitious plans to combat its influence deficit by “simply making more.”

Announcing the policy while touring a local factory, leader Garbex stated he was confident the Keth manufacturing sector would be up to the task, telling press: “as soon as our scientists figure out exactly what this influence thing is made of, we’re going to mass produce it on a scale that’s never been seen before.”

The fledgling space-nation has struggled to maintain influence output in recent years following a series of system claims and edict initiatives.

Garbex has since unveiled a sweeping plan to shutter all existing alloy foundries and consumer goods factories, and retrofit their assembly lines to produce influence in “whatever form it takes.”

Image: Keth leader Garbex announces his manufacturing plan in front of a mock influence assembly line.

The move has been strongly criticized by opposition parties. Traglec, leader of the Prosperity Faction, told local media: “I have no doubt this is going to end in failure, just like when the government started handwriting ‘10,000 influence’ on scraps of official paper and tried to pass it off as legitimate currency.”

He went on to list other failed initiatives, including extensive hydraulic fracking in search of so-called ‘influence wells’ and the mass conversion of food crops to grow experimental and nutritionally deplete ‘influence wheat.’

Economists have also warned that the proposal is likely to cause significant economic disruption. Forexod, a spokesxeno from the Galactic Central Bank stated: “This is a serious concern. We’ve already seen significant economic depression in the region following the Keth government’s ill-thought out plan last month to make everyone in the empire a social media influencer in the hope that would somehow generate influence.”

Garbex has since dismissed these claims, telling Xenonion earlier today: “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out. My scientific advisors tell me they’ve uncovered something called a ‘console command’ which might allow us to effectively print off more influence. By the way, have you followed me on Instagram? I have a special offer exclusive to my followers that you might be interested in…”

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Article idea via @ScreechBot

Galactic Council Calls Emergency Meeting After Area Empire Appears "Highly Sus"

The Galactic Council have convened an emergency meeting after a small space-nation was found destroyed in the Skeld nebula.

The gruesome discovery was made by the Fortegreen Alliance, whose science ships called in the finding while performing routine exploratory tasks in the region.

The Redd Commonality immediately demanded all space-nations self report to the Council for further investigation. In agreement, Council representatives told the Assembly floor: “The perpetrator behind the Skeld attack is clearly here among us. Justice demands we now vote en masse, and assign guilt based on a majority result.”

The ensuing open vote was fraught, with the Orenje Union quickly declaring its intention to vote for the Fortegreen Alliance, describing the empire’s original reporting of the incident as “highly sus.”

Image: The Galactic Council convenes an emergency vote regarding the Skeld attack.

A spokesxeno for the Fortegreens strongly denied the accusation, protesting to the Assembly: “Just because we were in the region does not mean we were involved! We should take time to compare our evidence and think about this logically.”

Accusations only intensified following this, however, after both the Tan Empire and Cyanic Dominion testified to having witnessed Fortegreen ships using a local L-Gate to avoid detection, which the Alliance has also denied.

The electronic vote concluded after a record ten seconds, with the Fortegreens being found overwhelmingly guilty of perpetrating the attack.

In the wake of the result, the Galactic Council have revoked the Fortegreen’s membership of the organization, and ejected all diplomatic staff from the Interstellar Assembly.

The Galactic Supreme Court has been quick to reject the Fortegreen’s attempt to appeal the Council’s decision, with one leading justice reasoning: “Idk, they do seem kinda sus.”

At the time of press the Galactic Council’s formal inquiry into the Skeld incident was forced to adjourn after the Interstellar Assembly developed a critical oxygen fault which required immediate attention.

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Article idea via @ScreechBot

Desert Preference Pop Migrates to Arctic World, Just Because

Bracing against the biting windchill outside Noveria’s main spaceport, a visibly uncomfortable reptilian pop was spotted muttering to himself “this is fine.”

Eye-witnesses reported that Zurix, a thirty-five year old Geico, appeared ill-equipped for the planet’s sub-zero temperatures as he struggled to pull his luggage across the snowy terminal concourse in nothing but a thin black cloak.

The desert-preference pop had reportedly migrated from his homeworld of Arrakis only weeks before in search of a better life.

Appearing increasingly disorientated by worsening visibility as snowfall intensified, Zurix was spotted on a road near to the spaceport joking about the “nice weather” with a streetlamp which he had mistaken for a local pop.

The scene was reportedly awkward between the two, with Zurix embarrassed by the metallic structure’s prolonged silence. He rushed to fill the gap in conversation by blurting out: “OK, the weather’s not that nice. I didn’t realise it was like this, you know? I just moved here for work. I suppose all I cared about was getting a job, not whether my new home was hospitable.”

Image: Zurix attempts to make his way through the snow from Noveria’s spaceport.

Zurix’s medical records show that his species has minimal biological suitability for cold worlds, and although there was an abundance of more appropriate planets to emigrate to, he had chosen Noveria “just because.”

As the effects of prolonged hypothermia began to set in, Zurix was noted to be slurring his speech, continuing to talk at the streetlight: “Look miss… you’re pretty and all… and I appreciate your concern… but I’ll be fine… my sister migrated into a slaving empire… so this… this is fine.”

At the time of writing an increasingly unsteady Zurix had removed all his clothing and offered it to the streetlight for warmth, reassuring it he “loved the cold.”

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Area Empire Immediately Declines Alien Specimen Procurement Request

The Scyldari Confederacy has roundly rejected the Museum of Exobiology’s request for procurement of live alien specimens, with officials stating the endeavor would “cost the entire GDP of our space-nation, several times over.”

The Museum’s Director had petitioned the government to assist in capturing a number of exotic animals, including the Illusive Tarblac, Wily Uddloran and Insidious Sniran, for the inauguration of a new Xeno Zoo.

Scyldaria’s Chief Sociologist, Dr Ricmort Jeribeth, spoke to Xenonion about the request: “When we say we don’t have the resources to spare, we mean it. Have you looked at this map the Museum provided us? Half the species are literally on the opposite side of the galaxy.”

Pointing at a number of coordinates on the map, he continued: “The Malleable Goolantha must be pretty malleable, since it’s deep in the Unbidden dead zone. Oh, and the Vile Orinthi? Comfortably nestled between the closed borders of a Devouring Swarm and Inward Perfectionists. The Museum literally wants us to go to war and shed billions of lives to obtain a single Vile Orinthi. The little rat species that breeds uncontrollably and has a fondness for chewing on electrical cables. A scientific priority if I’ve ever heard one.”

Image: Dr Jeribeth pens a diplomatic response to the Museum of Exobiology.

A spokesxeno for the Museum conceded that the request was challenging, but added the institution hoped a “hefty reward” of 500 energy credits and 65 influence would “incentivize” the Scyldari government.

Dr Jeribeth continued: “Wow. Great. That will definitely cover the cost of six dead scientists and three hundred scuttled battleships required just to obtain the Vile Orinthi alone.”

Motioning towards a nearby bin, he added: “I’ll put it straight on our urgent to-do list, right behind dealing with the three hundred year old cultist threat, and the Existentialism Association’s request for us to find the meaning of life in exchange for a sense of pride and accomplishment.”

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New Study Finds Atmospheric Hallucinogens Super Rad

A recent study has confirmed that atmospheric hallucinogens found on the newly colonized planet of Trippa are “super rad” and “totally chillaxing.”

The planet, settled by the Sutherian Empire last month, was investigated by scientists after a number of colonists began to display erratic behaviours, including increased productivity and appearing enthused while at work.

The researchers, whose findings were published in the paper ‘Gas X: A Novel Atmospheric Hallucinogen Th – Dude Did You Just See That Huge Spider-Cat Thing!?’, concluded that the air on Trippa has naturally occurring psychedelic properties which can cause mood dysregulation and perceptual abnormalities.

Image: The study was published this week in the prestigious Reddit Journal of Science.

Dr Indibaran, one of the paper’s lead authors who extensively sampled the atmosphere, compared its effects to that of stimulant medication. Speaking at a scientific conference on Trippa earlier today, he described the gas as "delicious, just like flesh” before yelling incoherently: “ALL ABOARD THE SPIDER-CAT BUS!”

Officials within the Sutherian government have expressed concern at the potential risks of long term exposure to the substance, however Dr Indibaran has challenged this. Speaking to Xenonion earlier today via video-link, he stated while repeatedly licking his lips: “Everyone would be so chill if they just tried some Trippa air.” He added that his team had noted some adverse effects like hypersalivation, nights terrors and cardiac arrest, however stated: “for reals, this shit is totally worth it.”

Local pops on Trippa seem to agree, with Sector Governor Bemalon telling Xenonion the air was “yeaahhhhhh [sic]”, before catching sight of himself in a mirror and then hysterically screaming that his face had gone missing.

Insider reports suggest that Sutherian officials remain opposed to leaving the gas in situ, and may move to filter the hallucinogen as soon as a viable method for extracting, shipping and selling it for profit becomes available.

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Awakened Empire Has Just About Had It With Galaxy's Lazy, Disrespectful Attitude

Clearly irate at being left as the sole active defender against the Unbidden invasion, the Zelvan Arbitrators warned the galaxy this Thursday that they have “just about had it with the lazy, disrespectful attitude,” adding “it ends now, or else.”

Addressing the Galactic Council earlier today, Zelvan representative Mondrig appeared clearly exasperated, lamenting: “Just who exactly do you think we are? Your personal crisis cleaner? Do we exist to just run around after you mopping up your interstellar mess? Show some respect to your elders!”

Sources close to the Zelvan report the tirade was triggered after not one single space-nation offered to join to help the war effort, despite the ascendancy awaking specifically to tackle the extra-dimensional invaders.

Mondrig continued, with increased tension in her voice: “We’re out here being worked to the bone, and what are you doing? Oh, of course, busy lazing around playing Universe Universalis. Well maybe, just maybe, we’d like to be lazing around too. But then who would do all the galactic chores? The peacekeeping fairy?”

Mondrig’s speech was abruptly cut short after she caught one of the delegates smirking, to which she sniped: “Wipe that look off your face RIGHT NOW. Do you think — look at me when I’m talking to you — do you think this is funny?”

Shortly afterwards, the Galactic Council sheepishly issued a written statement in which it said it was sorry the Zelvan “felt that way” but found the accusations “totally unfair, and like, blown way out of proportion.”

Image: Hilda Ernst is one of the human representatives on the Galactic Council.

Galactic Council Member Hilda Ernst told Xenonion: “Seriously, the Zelvan just need to, like, chill. The Great Khan allowed us to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, with none of this nagging or drama.”

The response only further enraged Zelvan’s Diplomatic Corps, with officials immediately mandating that all foreign fleets within their territory return to their home system “right this minute,” and “take a real hard think about what they’ve done.”

The Galactic Council has lodged a formal petition of complaint regarding the border closure, protesting that it had arranged plans to explore the L-Cluster with allies this weekend. When asked for a further explanation, the Zelvan curtly replied: “The borders are closing because we say so.”

Ernst told Xenonion the developments were “so annoying,” adding: “Absolutely EVERYONE is going to the L-Cluster this weekend! Our lives are RUINED forever!”

At the time of press, Zelvan representatives told Xenonion they were not angry at the Galactic Council, “just disappointed.”

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“Do Not Misjudge Our Power," Pathetic-Rated Empire With Three Corvettes Warns Neighbors

The pathetic-rated Hiffnar Empire has warned neighboring species that any territorial infringements will be met with “the crushing force” of its three Corvettes.

Hiffnar leader Vathrag issued a stark warning to what he termed “meddling foreign entities” in a televised address today, stating “do not misjudge our power - you cannot afford to play games with us.”

The bellicose comments mark a significant hardening of stance from the Hiffnar’s two part-time envoys.

Vathrag also denied his comments come following a recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) confirming the Hiffnar Empire as one of the galaxy’s least developed space-nations, stating he would not comment on something he was unable to read.

Image: The three Corvettes of ‘Strike Force Unbreakable Destiny, Sword: Actual Warhammer Alpha’ closely guard the Hiffnar homeworld of Drull.

A coalition of neighboring space-nations with overwhelming military power have issued a joint response to Vathrag’s warning, stating they are “super scared.” They have also called for “mercy”, with a “humble request” for the Hiffnar not to overwhelm them by using all three of their corvettes at once.

The Galactic Community has appealed for calm, adding it’s had a long day at work and just needs a goddamn minute to itself, OK?

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*Article inspired by ChalkyTable3335’s Reddit post

Dentists Warn Lithoid Diet Causing "Dental Crisis"

Dental procedures to fix damaged or eroded teeth have reached record rates, in what dentists are calling “the costly scourge of eating rocks.”

New figures released by the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) highlight that 25% of all Devouring Swarm pops, regardless of species, have dental issues directly linked to the consumption of Lithoid species.

“These figures are a stark reminder of the damage we can do to our teeth by crunching on solid rock,” human dentist Dr Cole Gates told Xenonion. He continued: “Worse still, because Lithoids are often eaten alive, we’re seeing some really bad facial trauma from when they resist snack time.”

In addition to dental breaks and enamel erosion, ingestion of Lithoids has been linked to a number of gastro-intenstinal problems, such as pebble bloat, di-ore-rrhea and rockstipation.

Dr Gates, a longstanding health campaigner on the issue, said he found the trends “alarming,” adding: “The statistics speak for themselves. We are failing the health of our Devouring Swarms.”

The Public Institute for Space Health recently introduced a dental health initiative encouraging at-risk species to switch to a Plantoid-based diet, however its success has been stymied by resistance from Plantoids.

Dr Gates stated the initiative “didn’t go far enough.” Working alongside the powerful Dental Faction, he has produced a series of educational posters to try and raise awareness around the issue. Speaking about his hopes for the future, he stated: “We need to empower Devouring Swarms to make smart dietary choices. That, and invest as much energy as we can in trying to figure out how to make Plantoids taste better.”

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