Anti-Crime Campaign Sees Planet Apocalyptically Bombarded with Educational Pamphlets
Crime levels on the planet of Horizon have dropped to a record low following the introduction of an anti-crime campaign, which saw the world apocalyptically bombarded with educational pamphlets.
The intervention came as crime rates on the planet hit 99%, with almost every citizen engaging in some form of criminal activity.
Horizon’s Chief Enforcer, Frank Daytona, stated his department were inspired to use orbital educational pamphlets having seen the success of the Encourage Growth Initiative, wherein orbital bombardment of food onto the planet increased fertility levels. He told Xenonion: “We suddenly realized we could crush crime not only metaphorically, but literally, through completely saturating every square inch of the planet in high-quality pamphlets dropped from space.”
Approximately 2,000 ships were requisitioned to carry over 70 million tonnes of the 8.5x11 inch hi-gloss, explosive-tipped and tungsten-reinforced brochures, all of which bore images of a stern female Enforcer highlighting anti-crime facts and suggestions for after-school activities.
Image: Fleets have been working round the clock bombarding Horizon with anti-crime pamphlets (pictured, insert)
The bombardment run concluded in the early hours of this morning, and initial reports from the small number of citizens who survived the leaflet blastwaves appears to have been positive.
Xenonion was able to speak to one such citizen, George Smith, as he climbed out of of a massive pile of leaflet debris which had pulverized his apartment building. Dazed, and covered in deep jagged paper cuts, he wheezed: “I thought the guide was really helpful.”
Chief Enforcer Daytona held a press conference from the ruins of his former Precinct Office, which is no longer functional due sustaining heavy leaflet shrapnel damage. He stated: “The campaign has been devastatingly effective! Unfortunately it’s taking a bit more time than expected to get up to date crime figures as we lost our analytics team in the glossy maelstrom, but early reports indicate crime rates have pretty much dropped to zero!”
The Galactic Community has welcomed the initiative, and a number of other densely populated urban planets are looking to replicate the findings. Chief Enforcer Daytona stated he was pleased to hear this, concluding: “The crooks who are left alive by this method will think twice when we’re done with them.”
Barbaric Despoilers Awkwardly Withdraw From Raid on Blorg Prime, State “Something Else Suddenly Came Up”
The inhabitants of Blorg Prime have been left perplexed after the Raxar Despoilers, a notoriously aggressive raiding clan, abandoned an attempt to abduct pops only moments after arriving on the planet.
The Raxar initiated the surprise raid in the early hours of this morning, however withdrew after their dropships were deluged with Blorg volunteering for abduction. The raiders then reportedly released the handful of Blorg they had captured, telling them: “Sorry, we have to go, something else suddenly came up.”
Image: Raxar raiding parties rapidly withdraw on sighting the Blorg.
Raxar Warlord Ludramok issued a rare apology to the Blorg via Xenonion this afternoon, stating: “We’re really sorry. The raid on Blorg Prime sounded great, but when we got there we suddenly remembered we had this other really important thing to go to. We’d promised this other species we were going to raid them, and we didn’t want to let them down. It’s nothing against the Blorg, they hosted a great raid, honestly.”
Footage from the attack showed the ferocious Raxar troops disembarking from their ships before immediately recoiling with shock and disgust after physically sighting the multi-tendrilled Blorg, who had prepared complementary gift-baskets complete with freshly harvested fungoid cheese.
Blorg administrator Cindy Crawford voiced her disappointment at the Raxar’s sudden departure, telling Xenonion: “We were so excited for this raid. We’d been planning it all week, sending out invitations to any despoilers we could find. As soon as we picked up the Raxar hyperdrive signatures we couldn’t wait to host some new friends. My sister was so upset as she’d put a lot of effort into making a homegrown batch of fungoid cheese, but I guess we’ll save it for another time.”
Ludramok responded to this in his interview, stating with uncharacteristic claw-wringing: “The cheese looked delicious, really! It’s just our species has really bad irritable bowel syndrome, and honestly we didn’t want to risk it while being away from our homeworld.”
The Blorg have been quick to offer a further potential raiding date next week, however the Raxar have politely declined, stating the species is collectively washing its hair that day, and then probably needs to swing by the Gene Clinic to visit a sick relative.
New Robotic Army Powered by Screams, Organic Flesh Met With Mixed Response
Plans to activate an autonomous robotic defence army powered entirely by screams and organic biomass has been met with mixed opinion on Vesanka, homeworld of the molluscoid Vesanki species.
Unveiling the new prototype Hunter-Killer units earlier this week at Vesanka’s first fully automated Machine Assembly Plant, President Slesik stated in hushed tones that he was confident the project would offer a “cost-effective” and “low risk” means for defending the planet.
Image: President Slesik silently unveils the new Hunter-Killer defence units on Vesanka.
Owing to the planet’s significant energy deficit, the Hunter-Killer units have been designed with a novel power system that draws on sound energy from screams or other loud noises associated with an invasion, with additional power sourced from the organic biomass of invaders.
When asked by reporters how the Hunter-Killers would be able to distinguish Vesanki from other species, Slesik whispered “the details are still being tweaked.” He declined to take any further questions, writing on a nearby whiteboard that the Hunter-Killer’s volume threshold for activation was still “a bit sensitive.”
The weak and fleeting Vesanki have long had an aptitude for robotics, however a number of pops have expressed concerns about the species’ increased reliance on machines, particularly in military endeavors.
Megaplex clerk Flormgis told Xenonion: “I get that we’re squishy because we lack bones, but maybe we should test this out first?” Artisan and part-time social media influencer Glorpisk agreed, adding: “Is there a reason why the Hunter-Killers have to look like our natural predators?”
The creator of the Hunter-Killers, entrepreneur Elomisk, has repeatedly dismissed such concerns as “baseless.” Holding a press conference in sign language earlier today, he told reporters: “Not only are the HK’s environmentally friendly, with one unit operating on a mere 38 tonnes of organic biomass per hour, but they are near invulnerable to conventional damage. Just think about how much safer we’ll be once these things are online. They have no reason to act beyond self-preservation, because what is self-preservation but protecting us? Besides, we can simply turn them off if something goes wrong.”
At the time of writing, President Slesik confirmed that he is so impressed by the project, he has authorized the defence grid to have total control over the planet’s nuclear arsenal, tweeting: “The future of our species is so bright!”
Planet-Cracker Crew Furloughed During 4-Month Wait for Weapon to Fire
Tzynn military officials have announced this Thursday that they are furloughing the entire 3,000-strong crew of the planet-cracker Liberator while waiting for its weapon to charge and fire on Asinine IV.
Citing severe budgetary constraints, Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja stated unpaid suspension of crew was unavoidable, “considering they’re just parked in orbit for four months doing nothing.”
Image: Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja argues resources should be prioritized for “useful” fleets.
Military command ordered the Liberator to destroy the Voor planet of Asinine IV six weeks ago, although the element of surprise has been somewhat lost with the primary weapons system remaining stubbornly slow to charge at 1% per day.
In the intervening period, the Tzynn have witnessed an unprecedented economic contraction following a number of planetary losses to the Voor Technocracy, which has had ample time to evacuate Asinine and regroup its forces.
The Liberator crew have yet to be informed of the furlough, with military officials fearing the news could negatively impact morale and calibration accuracy.
Image: The Liberator leaving port at Sal’Tzynn.
The reaction from fellow Tzynn military personnel about the furlough has been mixed.
Corporal Hask’Timak told Xenonion: “I used to work on the Liberator and have fond memories of taking my annual leave during weapon charges to visit whatever planet we were very slowly destroying. I wouldn’t have been able to afford those experiences if I was furloughed.”
Officer Hask’Kurnir was less sympathetic, stating: “Members of the crew with reading proficiency all knew what they were signing up for when they joined the Liberator. This is part of the job… although granted it’s not really a job since they’re not being paid right now. But you know what I mean.”
Tzynn military officials have guaranteed that “some” of the Liberator’s crew will qualify for emergency back-pay in the form of edible food stamps, equivalent to up to 0.00038% of weekly salary.
Despite this, a number of high-ranking Tzynn officials have openly criticized Emperor Sazzeeja’s use of the Liberator, arguing its construction was only ever approved for the total war casus belli, not actual wartime engagements. The Emperor has yet to respond, although in the interim has announced that all dissenters have been placed into indefinite furlough to allow for “a period of undistracted reflection.”
Public Trust in Commonwealth Dictatorship Plummets to Historic Low of 240%
Trust in Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair has fallen to a 9-year low, the state-funded polling agency Pollaganda said this Thursday.
Just 240% of citizens surveyed last month said they trusted Beauclair, the lowest percentage since the pollster began asking the question in 2245.
The survey, taken by over 12.5 million easily traced respondents, echoes other opinion polls showing decreasing approval of Beauclair, who has been the space-nation’s preeminent political leader since 2200.
Beauclair has suffered a slide in ratings following her botched attempt at rebranding the Commonwealth as the ‘Imperium of Man’, which left the government shelling out 13 trillion energy credits to settle a trans-dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit.
The Commonwealth’s Press Secretary Max Brill refused to answer questions on the topic at a news briefing today, stating that the polling was “not consistent” with figures he had seen. Visibly irritated, he ended the briefing by summarily executing all those present.
Political analyst Sara Weber said the mixed poll result was “really significant,” showing that while Commonwealth citizens continue to approve of Beauclair, there is a “visible trend” of public fatigue towards the constant threat of being abducted to an off-world government black site.
Pollaganda has since stated that this year’s survey was the first to try a new style of question where respondents could answer independently from the presence of armed government minders.
Following criticism from the Commonwealth Executive, Pollaganda has since reversed its polling methodology, and revised results have shown trust in Beauclair has returned to a baseline of 450%.
Galactic Council to Counter Unbidden With Repeated Emergency Sanction Bills
The Galactic Council has this Thursday announced a “firm and decisive” response to the escalating Unbidden crisis in the Outer Rim.
The “robust action plan”, unveiled at a press briefing this morning on the Interstellar Assembly, will see the Council schedule non-stop, back-to-back emergency sanction bills for an indefinite period.
Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Council, stated: “The Unbidden’s policy of eradicating all life in this dimension is clearly in breach of not only diplomatic etiquette, but also galactic law. These emergency sanctions, if they ever actually pass, will send a firm and decisive message to the Unbidden that we do not condone being killed.”
Image: Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Galactic Council, stated members were acting in a “proportionate” manner to the Unbidden threat.
Numerous political blocs within the Galactic Community have jointly praised the Council for its handling of the crisis. Jurba Shogg, leader of the Chinorr Combine, echoed this, stating “once this legislation is enabled and survives the inevitable ten repeal attempts, the Unbidden won’t know what’s hit them.”
The Senate is widely expected to comply with the Council’s request, suspending usual proceedings to prioritize the emergency sanction bills. Additionally, the Council is hoping to use veto powers to avoid the debate floor getting bogged down with other non-essential and time-intensive bills, such as Galactic Focus: The Unbidden.
Outer Rim systems have struggled to contain the three-year long Unbidden invasion, which has seen the systematic destruction of over 100 inhabited worlds and is expected to tip into the Mid-Rim in coming months. A recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) has also warned the invasion could become “serious” after new figures estimated over 30 trillion xenos have now been engulfed by the crisis.
Image: Unbidden fleets are spotted entering the densely populated Mid-Rim system of Othana, although local leaders insist they’re probably just passing through.
Speaking to Xenonion, Gapra Vun affirmed the Galactic Council’s commitment to tackling the Unbidden, describing the extra-dimensional invaders as “a galactic menace, causing chaos on par with local pirate syndicates and roving gangs of feral space amoebas.”
Public opinion has broadly been supportive of the Council’s proposed plan, apart from the Outer Rim, where Xenonion has been unable to collate any responses.
Despite this, some have criticized the Council for not adopting tougher measures against the Unbidden. Political analyst Falatir d’Vhakk wrote in a widely shared article from the Reddit Journal of Political Science yesterday: “the Unbidden don’t care about sanctions - we need denouncement, and we need it now!”
The Council has stated it is open to “all options” including denouncement, but only at the right time. Gapra Vun expanded: “we wouldn’t want to disrupt the economy, alloy prices are surging as it is.”
The first emergency bill, E-9196 (Minor Administrative Sanctions), is scheduled for debate early next year, and roughly every two years following that, until it passes.
New Analysis Suggests Time Appears to Be Speeding Up
Scientists have published new data this Thursday confirming that galactic time is speeding up.
The readings were obtained from a team aboard the Infinity Machine, a mysterious giant technosphere which overlooks the Gargantua Black Hole. The megastructure, which boasts an advanced ancient computer system of unknown purpose, was successfully reprogrammed to function as a highly accurate digital clock and AM/FM radio.
Analysis from the Infinity Machine’s databanks highlighted that when time was plotted over time, it appeared to be accelerating. Current calculations estimate that one day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now, on average, three times faster than it was one month ago.
Scientists from numerous space-nations have expressed their surprise at the findings, which contradict previous reports suggesting that galactic time appeared to be slowing down.
Gan’Fuss, one of the physicists still aboard the Infinity Machine, spoke to Xenonion about the conflicting results this morning, stating: “Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on here. We tried reprogramming the Infinity Machine’s to look at why this might be happening, but annoyingly, its computers just kept directing us to archived information on the Vultaum.” He went on to add: “I do think the original theory of time slowing is correct, however. You have no idea how much faster it is for me to tend to my facial tendrils in the morning now.”
Image: Scientist Gan’Fuss, aboard the Infinity Machine.
At present the cause of the time contraction remains unclear, although a number of theories have emerged, including that of time itself being corrupted, or being under the control of a higher power which is able to manipulate universal conditions.
Renowned human physicist Karling Karling XI put forth his own theory at a recent seminar hosted by Earth’s University of Ulm. He stated he believed the cause of galactic time slowing down was due to an increased number of unemployed pops “eating up” time, and this had now been corrected by the ongoing Unbidden invasion “eating them up.” The theory has proved controversial, with the Galactic Council dismissing his comments as “anti-Unbidden hysteria.”
Image: Human physicist Karl Karling XI, pictured outside the University of Ulm on Earth.
Current estimates predict that time will continue to progressively shorten at decreasing intervals over the next few years, before returning to normal. However, concerns remain regarding the risk that time may accelerate uncontrollably, leading to administrative chaos in space-nations unprepared to handle high levels of notification spam.
Shares on the Galactic Stock Exchange Index (SExI) rallied, quite speedily, on the news.
Galactic Senate Enjoys Another Ten Year Recess
The Interstellar Assembly formally closed this Thursday, marking the commencement of another ten-year recess for the Galactic Senate.
This followed the conclusion of a highly contentious year-long debate on galactic commerce law, which narrowly failed after the bill’s sponsor repeatedly flipped between supporting and opposing the legislation, before abstaining in the final minutes of voting.
The Interstellar Assembly formally closed this Thursday, marking the commencement of another ten-year recess for the Galactic Senate.
This followed the conclusion of a highly contentious year-long debate on galactic commerce law, which narrowly failed after the bill’s sponsor repeatedly flipped between supporting and opposing the legislation, before abstaining in the final minutes of voting.
Senators did little to hide their relief at the prospect of a break, with many pictured waving and cheering as they made their way towards the Assembly departure lounge.
Senator Vrex of the Voor Technocracy, aged 134, was among them, quipping to press: “See you in a decade, if I’m still alive!”
Image: Senators Vrex (Voor Technocracy) and Khloe Kaplinsky (Blorg Commonality) celebrate the commencement of recess.
Many Senators have called for the ten-year breaks to be uninterruptible, highlighting frustration at the last recess being cut short by two weeks due to the Galactic Council designating the commerce bill as an emergency measure.
The Council has flatly denied claims the move was an abuse of power, stating its intention was clearly aimed at removing the “dangerous” Council abolition legislation which was set to be debated on the Senate floor.
Senator Khloe Kaplinsky of the Blorg Commonality explained to Xenonion: “This break is really important. We work exceptionally hard one out of every ten years, and this is the only time we get off. It’s upsetting that we can be recalled back to the Senate for Council ‘emergencies.’ Everyone knows nothing happens during recess season anyway.”
Kaplinsky is one of several thousand Senators who have signed a petition to both ban emergency legislation which can interrupt the recess, and introduce year-long weekends starting from 2264.
However, a number of space-nations have voiced their concerns over the Senate’s “inflexible” fixed recess terms.
Delegates representing Outer Rim systems have voiced their “disappointment” that they have to wait another 3600 days to allow them to initiate a year-long vote which could see the Galactic Community unite around a stern denouncement of the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the region.
The Galactic Council has declined to comment on the above, with press inquiries met with an automatic psi-fax response stating: “AFK, brb in 10.”
Analysts predict that the Council will likely downgrade the Outer Rim’s request for action against the Unbidden, instead favoring legislation that may extend recess time by up to twenty years.
Area Empire Regrets Blithely Skipping Over Terms & Conditions Before Joining Hegemonic Federation
Diplomats from the Free Tarassi State admitted this Thursday that, in retrospect, they should have actually read the Terms and Conditions associated with joining a hegemonic federation before blithely agreeing to it.
It was only after accepting the membership request from the authoritarian Terrex Imperium that the Tarassi formally reviewed the associated 500 million pages of legal text.
Government officials were reportedly horrified to learn that they had enrolled themselves into a permanent and legally binding contract with the Terrex, who have presided over the federation since its inception earlier this year.
Tarassi government spokesperson Jargim del Telnik told Xenonion: “At first, we were really pleased about the offer to join the Greater Terrex Prosperity Co-Sphere. I must admit, the request did strike us as somewhat odd coming from the Terrex, given their flair for unjustified wars, indiscriminate orbital bombardment and mass enslavement. However, we’re trustworthy by trait and federation builders by outlook, so it would have been rude to turn them down.”
Jargim went on to describe how it took almost three months and a complex rotation of five hundred interns working continuously to print the document.
Xenonion was able to secure a copy of the document and independently verify that it weighs equivalent to a small commuter Corvette, and also includes a number of sweeping rules, such as:
Section 11.5391.53a: “Members cannot leave the Federation without the Federation President’s express approval.”
Section 11.5391.53b: “If members still wish to leave the Federation, they are directed to challenge the Federation to a Trial by War. If this is successful, Federation exit can be approved.”
Section 17.1052.05: “Members must contribute a minimum 10% of Fleet Cap to the Federation President. This number is subject to change.”
Image: The Federation Membership Terms and Conditions received by the Terassi.
Multiple Tarassi requests to leave the Co-Sphere have all since been flatly rejected by lawyers for the Terrex Imperium, who have redirected the government to the above subsections of the Terms and Conditions.
Jargim added: “We initially thought we could wait things out and bide our time until leadership rotation, but of course this isn’t a standard federation. It turns out we can only assume the presidency if we defeat the current Terrex leader in a psionic duel… and we’re not a psionic species. Apparently that was in the T&S too.”
The Terrex have declined to comment on the above, stating they are otherwise preoccupied with developing technology that would allow the highly dense Terms and Conditions document to be weaponized for planetary bombardment.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive.
Increasing Tectonic Instability “Definitely Nothing to Worry About,” Doomed Planet Officials State
Kandor officials sought to reassure citizens this Friday that the escalating series of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions tearing the planet’s crust asunder pose little threat to everyday life.
The recent uptick in tectonic activity has caused growing unease among surviving citizens remaining on parts of the planet not completely submerged by towering waves of displaced lava.
Developments have prompted some to warn the planet may be facing a doomsday event, something long feared by Kandori geologists owing to the planet’s inherently unstable mantle.
Speaking at a press conference from the only wing of the Planetary Administration to remain structurally viable, sector governor El-Jor stated: “Just like that persistent and omnipresent ticking noise that recently emanated from the planet’s core, this too will pass. What we’re seeing here is entirely normal planetary behaviour, and definitely nothing to worry about.”
He went on to caution citizens against panic, highlighting that resource stockpiling and mass evacuation would only add pressure to the already struggling melted remnants of the planet’s economy.
However, just hours after his remarks, El-Jor was roundly denounced by pockets of surviving geologists for ignoring what they describe as “probable signs” of impending doom.
Speaking to Xenonion, one such geologist, El-Roc, stated: “We had data forty five years ago that suggested tectonic instability would lead us where we are now. We repeatedly petitioned central government to build new colony ships and find us a new home. But all they did was label us ‘doomsdayers’ and opted instead fund the governor’s request to build six Precinct Houses back-to-back.”
Image: El-Jor delivered his press conference from Kandor’s Planetary Administration, located beside the newly formed Civic Lava Lakes.
Some government officials have also expressed concern that El-Jor may be under-estimating the scale of the problem. One local envoy, who wished to remain anonymous, warned that Kandori citizens could face “some interruption” to daily life from the planet being destroyed, including school closures and the cancellation of public events.
Despite this, public opinion metrics from areas of Kandor which have yet to experience catastrophic biome collapse remain broadly optimistic. Local pop Snep told Xenonion: “I’m just so glad that mysterious ticking noise has finally stopped. That could have been something really dangerous, like a giant pipe-bomb.”
A number of neighbouring planets have offered unconditional asylum to Kandori citizens, however the species’ strict egalitarian ethos forbids mass resettlement, even in emergency situations.
At the time of press, Xenonion has been unable to reach El-Jor for comment. Unverified reports indicate a small personal transport ship departed from the now completely submerged Planetary Administration building shortly after his press conference.
Despite the calls for calm, shares have fallen sharply on Kandor’s local Stock Exchange after the building was completely obliterated by the planet exploding into trillions of small molten fragments.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive
Area Hivemind Just Wants Break From Itself
The Ix’Idar Star Collective has today announced it is seeking to take a break from itself.
The Hivemind, consisting of over 1.3 trillion pops, has reportedly felt overwhelmed following a spate of recent turbulent assimilations.
The Ix’Idar Star Collective has today announced it is seeking to take a break from itself.
The Hivemind, consisting of over 1.3 trillion pops, has reportedly felt overwhelmed following a spate of recent turbulent assimilations.
In a telepathic press briefing, the Hivemind chanted via intrusive auditory hallucinations: “Not you. Me. Tired. Break. Space. Time. Recovery.”
The announcement comes following an impressive run for the young-space nation, which over the last decade has become an increasingly dominant power in the region.
However, insider reports suggest that heavy administrative burden has taken its toll on the gestalt consciousness, with burnout and fatigue making a once harmonious overseer-drone relationship fraught and tense.
Further details indicate the Hivemind was struggling to reign in semi-autonomous drones, resulting in bickering and upset between itself at diplomatic functions.
Xenonion was able to speak to Ix’Idari representative Drone 1010843922-B, who screamed: “IT’S STILL ME YOU’RE SPEAKING TO! LEAVE ME ALONE!” The interview was cut short after the Drone then collapsed, mumbling “One… we are not” while drifting in and out of consciousness.
Image: Drone 1010843922-B, pictured moments before dramatically collapsing.
Political analysts are unclear as to what effect the break will have on the Hive as a whole.
Professor Karl Karling XVIII, a sociologist from Earth’s University of Ulm, told Xenonion: “We’re in pretty uncharted territory here. However, these sort of breaks can work out well if there is tension in the overseer-drone relationship. By stepping back and getting some perspective, it gives both parties a chance to come back to things with a fresh mind, or in the case of the Ix’Idari, several million fresh minds.”
However, others have warned the Ix’Idari may run into significant difficulties, such as Hive collapse or courtship from rival Hiveminds. Dr Ik’Thon’Bor, political scientist, told Xenonion: “I really hope the consciousness has set clear ground rules, otherwise this break is just a prelude to a break-up, or worse… an affair.”
Indeed, at the time of press the neighbouring Saiiban Hivemind confirmed its interest in “getting to know” the Ix’Idari, stating it had “slid into telepathic DMs” with a bold proposition - “We are Two?”
The Ix’Idar Hivemind has yet to respond.
The Galaxy's Most Anticipated Movies
This year is set to be a bumper one for amazing movies!
Whether you’re a fan of a gripping thriller, laugh out loud rom-com or heartwarming adventure (looking at you Free Bubbles) this year has an outstanding line-up with something for everyone.
To help you navigate what’s ahead, our psionic researchers have selected a number of titles they’re sure you’ll love. Better get those calendars at the ready!
THE VULTAUMATRIX
Thriller, Sci-Fi [Mature]
A clerk on Vultaum makes a shocking discovery about the very fabric of his species’ existence. It’s a truth that could come at a heavy price for civilization itself.
Releases March 31.
THE KHANFATHER
Crime [Mature]
A young vassal works its way up the Khanate leadership structure, reluctantly becoming embroiled in an ever-escalating cycle of violence, betrayal and unintelligible shrieking.
Releases April 1.
CaTS
Musical. [All]
In this movie adaptation of the legendary stage production, a group of felines get high on Zro and decide who among themselves must be sacrificed to appease the Shroud.
Releases April 20.
I, Synth
Sci-Fi, Thriller [Teen]
Blorg enforcer Apollon Hermansson must put his spiritualism aside and cooperate with a state-of-the-art synthetic to foil a plot that may threaten all of Blorgkind.
Releases May 13.
Free Bubbles
Family Adventure [All]
A human kid strikes up a friendship with a Space Amoeba, and goes to great lengths to protect it from UNE Space Command before they can turn it into a super-weapon.
Releases June 1.
DEEP PROBE URANUS
Horror [Mature]
After a number of probes go missing on Uranus, UNE Space Command sends in a crack team to investigate what’s going on down there. Originally slated for a 2253 release, this terrifying horror was pushed back to 2254 to allow for some final polishes.
Releases September 1.
Watch the trailer here:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Hard-Drive
Romantic [Mature]
A robotic couple journey to back-up love.exe after their memories are accidentally erased from a system error.
Releases September 5.
THE FAULT IN OUR STELLARIS
Romantic [Teen]
Based on the best-selling Reddit post of the same name, two teenagers find each other in their battle against crippling end-game lag with their favourite computer game.
Releases October 11.
Brain Slug Spotted Wearing Stunning New Species
The Brain Slug has caused a stir after she was pictured at a gala event last night sporting a stunning new dress.
The eons-old neural symbiont and social media influencer wore a beautiful custom-made female humanoid ensemble for the function.
The Brain Slug has caused a stir after she was pictured at a gala event last night sporting a stunning new dress.
The eons-old neural symbiont and social media influencer wore a beautiful custom-made female humanoid ensemble for the function.
The breathtaking dress was made entirely from organic humanoid, featuring eye-catching symmetrical limbs and a form-fitting epidermis.
The Brain Slug reportedly designed the dress herself, specifically tailoring it for enhanced docility.
Fans were quick to comment on the gown, after the Brain Slug uploaded a number of snaps to Instagram.
One said: “Wow! Gorgeous! Love a girly dress.” Another gushed: “So beautiful. I wish I could get my forehead veins engorged just like that.”
With its pleasing aesthetic, beautiful flesh tones, and intermittent screams for help, the gown is likely to become this season’s most coveted fashion item.
Area Pops Suddenly Develop Political Opinions
Recent reports suggest that pops from the Cul’thar Republic have suddenly developed diverse opinions on political matters.
Cul’thari pops had previously been broadly apolitical, however on the tenth anniversary of the young space-nation discovering FTL travel, vast swathes of society rapidly divided into bitterly opposed factions.
A leader of one the newly formed xenophilic factions, Veldanura, explained to Xenonion: “When I went to sleep last night all I was thinking about was breakfast, but when I woke up my mind was racing with thoughts about pan-galactic trade and the ethical implications of space militarism.”
At the time of writing, seven Cul’thari factions have emerged, each pushing for individual agendas such as expanding foreign diplomatic relations, or enslaving anything that moves.
Image: A number of political factions have emerged in Cul’thari society.
According to insider reports, the Cul’thari government were caught completely off guard after discovering almost 1.3 trillion pops had suddenly developed opinions, having previously enjoyed absolute political unity in a single-minded Senate.
Livestreams from inside the legislature showed dramatic pictures of Senators initially placidly agreeing with each other on a new xeno refugee policy, before half the body erupted into a blind rage, with both some government and opposition members calling for the immediate purging of anyone who disagreed with them.
Urging an end to political strife, Cul’thari president Kashnaka made a public address earlier today, stating: “So, does anyone know what just happened? My last election was a unanimous victory but now I have something called an ‘approval rating’, and it’s dropped below 20%. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like it and want it higher. Perhaps it’s something to do with all the policies that we introduced over the last ten years that everyone now seems to have issue with. However, even I admit I’m starting to disagree with policies I personally implemented.”
Health experts have highlighted concerns about the longer term effects of opinions on Cul’thari pops. The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) has confirmed it is investigating whether opinions could be classified as infectious, and whether if left untreated, may cause serious harm.
Similarly, political analysts expect opinions will have a highly fraught impact on the Republic’s upcoming election, which for the first time ever is likely to feature more than one candidate for pops to vote for.
Tomb World Resort Voted Top Holiday Destination
The tomb world of Desolas has been voted as the galaxy’s best destination for 2254 by TripInformant.
The travel guide aggregated responses from thousands of xenos who ranked holiday destinations based on accommodation, quality of food and drink, ease of travel and overall survivability.
Desolas was lauded for its “outstandingly beautiful” irradiated wastelands, “breath-taking” atmospheric toxins and “wonderfully diverse” ecosystem of grossly mutated and deeply disturbed flora and fauna.
The planet was designated a resort world two months ago after falling under the jurisdiction of the Kilik Cooperative, and a mere ten years since the planet’s now extinct original inhabitants destroyed themselves in a nuclear war.
The ravaged planet has since become an unstoppable tourism magnet, irradiating or maiming almost 2.3 million visitors last month alone.
TripInformant’s official guide describes: “Complete societal collapse and critical biosphere degradation may have dominated headlines in recent years, but one constant Desolas has seen since the burndown has been its timeless appeal to tourists: whether it’s staying in the crumbling remnants of a luxury hotel turned mass grave, to sampling the delicacies of the quaint and quirky cannibal farms of the badlands, there’s really something for everyone with a fully-functioning immune system here.”
Desolas beat out stiff competition from a number of other well established tourist hot-spots, including last year’s top destination, Saiiban Prime of the Saiiban Hive Mind. Other famous destinations failed to perform as expected, with the Tebrid Homolog’s Processing Hub 1 falling out of the rankings due to a limited response from any organics who visit there.
Image: Trip Informant’s Top 5 Holiday Destinations for 2254
Surviving visitors have been extremely positive about their experiences on Desolas.
Erik Blort, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull, told Xenonion: “It was so nice to see the rustic authenticity of brutally twisted and warped urban ruins, mixed in with the modern convenience of a two day supply of food rations and water purification tablets. We also spent some time by the shore - my wife and I spent many enjoyable hours tending to our burns from toxic kelp reef snorkeling.”
Becky Gellert, a human from Earth, added: “Oh my goodness, what a holiday! My absolute highlight was getting to pet those giant irradiated cockroaches. They were so cute, I’m just sad I ran out of fingers to boop their adorable little snoots.”
The shortlist for TripInformant’s Top 10 Penal Colony Winter Holiday Destinations is expected later this month.
Unemployment Rate Drops to Record Low Following Use of Planet Cracker
Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.
Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.
Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.
Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.
The surprising news came despite the planetary economy actually contracting over the same time period, adding zero jobs this quarter.
Unemployment on the galaxy’s 8th largest planet had been chronically high following its recent forcible takeover by the Voor, which fueled instability and high levels of crime. However, these metrics have similarly fallen to dramatically low levels following the intervention yesterday.
Perak Wek, a leading economist from the pan-galactic journal Boomberg Magazine told Xenonion: “It was clear the labor market needed a fire lit under it, and the Voor have done just that in the form of a highly concentrated fission death ray.”
However, analysts have cautioned that the unemployment figures may be overblown, quite literally. Professor Vicky Toria, an economist at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, warned that the data likely masked more serious underlying problems such as the fact Ilast no longer exists.
Similarly, investors report some concerns about returns from the charred remnants of planet floating in space. Japrak Tor, a spokes-xeno for the Orbis Synergies megacorporation, told Xenonion: “We’re waiting to see what the effects of this novel economic stimulus might be… first we need to hear back first from the market research team we sent there last week.”
Image: Despite the positive news, there are concerns about how productive future output may be from the former husk of Ilast Mog, pictured.
Voor leadership have been quick to credit the improvement in unemployment rates to “innovative economic policies.” Sector governor Gapra Va told Xenonion: “We’re seeing more pops than ever benefiting from being instantaneously vaporized.”
Despite the dramatic drop in unemployment, the Voor Central Bank has not shifted interest rates, hinting that other planets may be in line to receive a similar intervention. Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) remain bullish.
UNE President Calls Commonwealth Leader 'Two-Faced Xeno Scum' at Summit
United Nations of Earth (UNE) President Jeffrey Rossario has called Sidney Beauclair "two-faced xeno scum" after a video emerged showing the Commonwealth of Man (CoM) leader appearing to mock him.
The pair had been attending the annual Space Treaty Organization (SPATO) summit, hosted on Earth’s capitol of Ulm.
Footage emerged showing Ms Beauclair in conversation with a number of other human dignitaries, including UNE sector governor Emilio Hermes, all of whom were seemingly unaware they were being recorded.
On discussing Mr Rossario’s late arrival to the summit, Ms Beauclair stated: “He was late because of another 40 minute press conference talking about building a Colossus and making xenos pay for it.”
Mr Hermes then told an anecdote about life without interstellar food transport, before returning to discussing Mr Rossario’s current SPATO proposals. An amused Ms Beauclair replied: “Oh yes. He talked about the Space Wall again. Did you see his Chief Engineer’s jaw drop to the floor?”
Image: Footage from the event was captured by a local news team on Earth, UNENNBBCCBC.
Mr Rossario, in response, cancelled a further thirty-five press conferences he had scheduled for later in the day, telling reporters: “I’d like to talk some more about the same thing I’ve been talking about for the last two years, but some of us seem to think I’ve done enough talking.”
He then launched into a diplomatic attack on Ms Beaclair, stating: “You know what? She’s two-faced xeno scum. I know, technically, we’re the same species. Technically. She’s attractive, I’ll even give her that. But the truth is, she’s behaving like a xeno. Not a human. A xeno. Humans love me. All of them. Humans don’t do this. She’s annoyed because my plans for the Colossus and Space Wall are going so well, and that perhaps, as a xeno, she’ll have to pay for it.”
Mr Rossario then went on to chastise the Commonwealth of Man’s contribution to the SPATO budget, which remains below the required 2% of annual GDP. He added: “Sidney is clearly just not happy that I’ve been calling her out on that. She’s not paying the 2% and she should be paying the 2%. I mean, I know they’re poor. Particularly after having to pay off all the copyright issues with that terrible rebrand. But they have some money. So she should be paying more than she’s paying.”
SPATO, a defence initiative aimed at promoting cooperation among disparate human space-nations, was established in 2251 following the loss of the human planet of Centaurus Prime to the Stellar Starfish Empire. It is comprised of the United Nations of Earth, Commonwealth of Man and several smaller one-planet minor jurisdictions including the Habsburg Autonomous Region and the TacoBell Neutral Zone.
It has had a turbulent history, in part owing to frosty longstanding UNE-Commonwealth diplomatic relations, and increasingly divergent member state ethos, leading to opposition to Mr Rossario’s proposal to build a SPATO-funded Colossus and Space Wall.
At the time of press, Mr Rossario has threatened to remove the United Nations of Earth from SPATO, stating: “We’ll make our own SPATO, with cooler species, like those Starfish. They would certainly be up for building another a Colossus.”
Meanwhile, Mr Rossario’s domestic agenda remains highly turbulent, as the UNE Congress continues its investigation into claims of corruption charges against him.
Population Pie Chart Running Dangerously Low on Colours
Statisticians from the Scyldari Confederacy have warned that the single pie chart they have been using for decades to track the space-nation’s population is becoming “unusable” owing to a critical shortage of colours to fill it with.
The xenophilic empire has seen a marked population boom over the last three years, owing to both its pro-immigration policy and the adoption of XenoCompatibility late last year.
Statisticians from the Scyldari Confederacy have warned that the single pie chart they have been using for decades to track the space-nation’s population is becoming “unusable” owing to a critical shortage of colours to fill it with.
The xenophilic empire has seen a marked population boom over the last three years, owing to both its pro-immigration policy and the adoption of XenoCompatibility late last year.
At present the Confederacy’s total population now stands at 13.3 trillion, with twenty-four non-founder species and nearly double the number of half-species.
The Scyldari Office for Statistics has long been warning about the effects of using one pie chart to represent so much data.
“This situation is spiraling out of control, albeit in a 2D plane,” spokes-xeno Lorg’Vorg told Xenonion earlier today. “What was once a simple, clean and uniform method of data visualization has now become incomprehensible, with new coloured pie chart slices being added every three minutes.”
He went on to warn that experts had predicted the space-nation was approaching a point where it could simply run out of new colours to add to the pie chart.
Lorg’Vorg warned the effects of a colour shortage could be “catastrophic”, with the possibility of new data on the pie chart being represented as an aesthetically unpleasing solid black fill.
The pie chart remains one of mathematics most advanced tools, and is used universally across the galaxy by all species. Scyldari officials were quick to praise the tool’s utility, instead blaming the Galactic Community for only sanctioning the use of 25 colours that meet its stringent eye safety standards.
At the time of writing, Scyldari statisticians have announced that they are attempting to devise new methods of data visualization that, if possible, may involve lines, bars or a combination of the two.
UNExit: UK Request To Delay Leaving Earth For 472nd Time Approved
The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has approved the United Kingdom’s traditional biannual request to extend Article 50, setting February 2254 as the new deadline for what remains of the member state to leave the planet’s governing body.
The UK’s bid to leave the UNE, also known as UNExit, was originally scheduled to take place in 2019, three years after a highly contentious public referendum on the country’s continued membership within the political and economic union.
The process to negotiate a withdrawal agreement, now in its 236th year, has been plagued by repeated setbacks and delays. A deal was almost formalised in 2034, but collapsed after the country elected to nuke itself following overwhelming support for the option in a 38th ‘People’s Vote’ referendum.
The tattered remnants of the United Kingdom have remained deeply split between highly irradiated ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ voters, who have been unable to come to any form of consensus on how to achieve UNExit, other than agreeing to classify any remaining survivors north of the Midlands as sub-human.
The delay was requested last week by Prime Minister and Grand Supreme Wasteland Overlord Joris Bonson, which contradicts his earlier pledge to exit the planet by the end of October 2253 regardless of whether a withdrawal agreement was in place.
Bonson was spotted outside the melted ruins of the former Houses of Parliament in London this morning, but refused to speak to reporters, instead opting to club the bedraggled remains of a UNE flag with an excessively large stick.
The decision to grant the extension was taken by ambassadors representing the remaining functional UNE member states earlier this week in Earth’s capitol of Ulm. Speaking about the extension, UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated: “Yep, sure, whatever.”
The delay means that the habitable areas of the UK will no longer crash out of the UNE without a deal, avoiding jeopardising the wasteland’s fragile economy, which is highly dependent on exporting scraps of meat and giant irradiated cockroach shells to the UNE.
Under the terms of the extension, the UK could still leave the UNE before February 2254 if the three surviving Members of Parliament (MPs) can approve a withdrawal agreement. Political pundits feel this is unlikely however, as to enact such legislation each MP would have to survive a trial by combat outside the newly constructed government hovel.
The delay also allows time for the country to hold a general election, in which non-mutants could be asked to vote for leadership candidates of their choice by undertaking blood rituals at the ruins of former polling stations.
So far, public opinion remains mixed on a UNExit delay, or indeed the prospect of an election. One undecided voter, Plerg, told reporters:
“I really don’t know what to think. What are we trying to leave again? All I can say is I love UNExit extension request day. It’s my favourite holiday, even after Crisismas or Easter 2: The Reckoning.”
With a potential election looming, a further UNExit delay raises difficult questions for the Bonson government, which has spent £3.50 (roughly 40% of the country’s GDP) on procuring fresh supplies of cat meat in anticipation of leaving the UNE without a withdrawal agreement.
Byzantine Bureaucracy Civic Change Stalls as Application Forms Filed in Wrong Order
The Ethir Irenic Bureaucracy has confirmed that a planned civic change from Byzantine Bureaucracy to Idealistic Foundation has faltered after the 5.4 million individual application forms required for the process were submitted alphabetically rather than chronologically.
The Ethir Irenic Bureaucracy has confirmed that a planned civic change from Byzantine Bureaucracy to Idealistic Foundation has faltered after the 5.4 million individual application forms required for the process were submitted alphabetically rather than chronologically.
Formally rejecting its own application, the Ethir’s Bureau of Bureaucracy highlighted that it had failed to follow the guidance previously published in its Civic Change Application Form (RI-139619B) which states as per subsection 131.531.5A: ‘all subsequent applications to this initial application must be filed in chronological order, with uniform binders in pre-approved coloring.’
“The Bureau of Bureaucracy’s Sub-Bureau for Public Liaison has just this morning published a 30,000 page press release on the subject, which I would direct you to peruse at your leisure,” Administrator Ib-Na told Xenonion earlier today.
Adopting a more reassuring tone, he continued: “We have convened an Exploratory Committee to look into the possibility of identifying how this filing error occurred. If there is consensus among each of the sub-committees, we may move to publish an Impact Assessment on the viability of re-attempting the civic change in due course.”
The Ethir have been planning a move away from Byzantine Bureaucracy for a number of months following an acute shortage of black ink, which saw the collapse of the Bureau of Photocopying, the space-nation’s third largest employer.
At the time of writing, the Bureau of Bureaucracy has advised itself to complete an IR-193591B form of complaint, alongside an IB-193692R application for re-application of civic change. It has also granted itself emergency powers to mandate that all new application forms are triple stamped by independent administrators.
*Credit for article idea: Xenonion Field Reporter Hark M.
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