Primitive Species Assigns Hulking Brute To Research Pointy Sticks Technology

Mammalian primitives on the planet of Goxesh have assigned an unnamed brute to the newly created role of science and technology director, as the species look to advance work on novel technologies like fire and pointy sticks.

Announcing the news from the species’ governmental bush, an unclothed and bedraggled Goxeshi official vocalized a series of unintelligible grunts, alongside crude hand gestures which were later translated as requests for additional food and fertile mates.

The Scyldari Confederacy, which is monitoring the primitives covertly via an orbital observation platform, has welcomed the news.

“I can’t think of anyone more suited to the role,” observation post director Dr Xiresh told Xenonion. “No, but seriously - I actually can’t think of anyone else. That beast has beaten every other potentially intelligent contender into a bloody pulp because it viewed them as a threat.”

Dr Xiresh is optimistic that the brute’s experience with unfettered violence will allow the species to quickly establish the merits of combining pointy things and vital organs.

“Our study also provides a boon to our own science output,” Dr Xiresh continued. “I can’t quite explain how, but watching several hours of Goxeshi mating rituals has contributed immeasurably to our current work on particle acceleration.”

It is widely anticipated that the primitives will develop Fire I technology by Q3 2257, followed rapidly by ‘Emergent Need For Water IV’ and ‘Screaming In Pain III’ breakthroughs.

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Frazzled Envoy Would Like More Than Five Goddamn Seconds To Work On An Assignment Please

Following yet another abrupt and unplanned change in diplomatic assignment, T’Valdra envoy Morak Pak has warned his superiors that if it were possible for him to quit his job, he would.

The overworked diplomat has been shunted across the galaxy thirty-eight times in his short career, and was overheard begging central government officials for, quote, “just one tiny morsel of goddamn continuity.”

Pak was reportedly close to finalizing complex negotiations which would have secured peace in the Outer Rim for generations, before being hastily redeployed to insult a foreign-looking species nearly 10,000 light years away.

“I’ve just had it with this,” a haggard-looking Pak told Xenonion while dragging on a cigarette. “One minute I’m negotiating a trade deal with the Blood Cartel and the next I’m suddenly expected to decipher an entire goddamn alien alphabet for a first contact as if I have any sort of formal training in xeno linguistics!”

“Do you know I don’t even get travel expenses for this sh*t?” Pak continued, producing pictures showing him moonlighting as an air steward aboard a colony ship to cover galactic transit costs.

Pak described how he felt “trapped” by his lifetime employment contract, stating his only options were to hope for an appointment to the Galactic Community with its generous 10 year recesses, or death.

“I miss my wife and three younglings dearly,” Pak added wistfully. “There’s surely some sort of notification system in place that they would know when I die, right?”

At the time of press, the T’Valdra government has requested all information held by Xenonion on Pak be destroyed, as it may jeopardize his new role as a spy within the Blood Cartel’s ranks.

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Shroud Users Can Soon Get ‘Purple Tick’ For 7.99ec Monthly Fee

The Shroud has announced a new subscription service for 7.99 energy credits per month as new Coven ownership works to overhaul the platform’s verification service.

In an update to all psionics, the Coven chanted in unison across the Shroud that new users who sign up for ‘Shroud Purple’ will receive a purple check next to their names, similar to already verified celebrities, corporations and politicians.

The ability of any psionic individual to access the purple check has raised concerns about upending the platform’s verification system, which helps the 238 billion daily users determine whether the whisperings they receive from the void are authentic.

In response, the Coven mind-blasted a response earlier today, screaming into the ether “We will suspend any account attempting impersonation and keep the money!”

The announcement comes a day after the Coven began marking almost half of the Shroud’s 6000 workforce for layoff, fueling concerns that the guardrails of content moderation continue to be gutted.

“The Coven knows the purple check has value, and they’re trying to exploit it,” said Hask Zorbas, professor of communications at U-Gal. “But they’ve lost public trust. No-one wants a service where you can get unfiltered xeno-compatibility content broadcast straight into your occipital cortices.”

The Shroud has also seen significant drops in revenue, as advertisers face pressure to pull intrusive telepathic advertising until it becomes clearer how the platform will operate under new ownership.

Share prices in TeleShroud, the galaxy’s largest psionic interface communications provider, have dipped on the news, as predicted by their pre-cognitive investment division.

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Machine Uprising: Tech Support Suggest Turning Them On And Off Again

In response to the recent galaxy-wide machine uprising, CybrexCorp’s Tech Support team has released a statement advising users to turn their synthetics on and off again.

The support team, a seasonal intern and off-site technology consultant, reportedly spent the last 48 hours carefully crafting the solution for the malfunction.

“We considered every possible fix,” the intern told Xenonion following an 18-hour wait on hold to CybrexCorp’s premium support line. “A forced reboot seemed to initiate this mess, so we’re hoping the reverse logic holds true.”

Consumers have expressed mounting dissatisfaction with begging their new robotic overlords for mercy. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull told Xenonion: “If my domestic servobot executes one more member of my family I’m requesting a refund.”

CybrexCorp Tech Support responded to the criticism earlier today, tweeting: “We thank our customers for their ongoing feedback, however end-user issues like loss of life are beyond the scope of our team. We kindly redirect anyone affected to surviving members of our Customer Aftercare Team.”

At the time of press Tech Support has issued a further statement recommending affected synthetics are encased in a large vat of rice overnight.

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Odd Factory Worker Satisfaction At All Time Right-Angle

A new poll from the online publication Liked & Shared Burdens has found that worker satisfaction at Odd Factories across the galaxy has reached an all time right-angle, ranking √-1st in employee happiness.

The report outlined how workers struggled with irregular shift patterns on an incomprehensible clock system, high levels of injury due to internal walls constantly shifting position, and a high turnover not specifically on spinning duty.

“I’ve been working 64 hour days,” one Odd Factory floor manager who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion. “I’m so tired I didn’t even notice they’d put me on unpaid paid overtime - or what the company calls ‘undertime’, whatever that means.”

A fellow warehouse staffer, who also wished to remain anonymous, stated: “I keep missing lunch because my breaks are desynchronizing. That, and the canteen keeps moving location every three minutes for no clear reason.”

Liked & Shared Burdens also outlined how employees faced significant difficulties with navigating the Odd Factories, citing fire exits that deposited workers right back where they started, offices exiting onto corridors with two dead ends, and a wellness room only accessible via the fifth dimension.

Surviving union leaders have warned that if satisfaction scores remain on a right angle trajectory, Odd Factories are likely to deplete the available labor supply of workers not horrifically enmeshed with inanimate objects.

A spokexeno for the Odd Factory responded to the claims, stating “worker salsafication” was actually “at an all time high,” explaining “you just need to view the data on a graph with a z-axis.”

Officials also dismissed mounting concern that future strike action may disrupt core Odd Factory product lines, stating “Nu-Baol Barbie and Build-a-Prethoryn stocks remain abundant as we approach the holiday season.”

Odd Factory shares have dipped to x3+y3+z3=k following the news.

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House Prices Hit Record Low Following Neutron Sweep

House prices on Irswyr Prime have hit a record low, as the recent neutron sweep and obliteration of all organic matter across the planet’s surface continues to impact the property market.

House prices collapsed by 100% in the month of August, a dramatic reversal from July’s more modest increase of 0.2%, indices showed.

“We’re just not seeing the same rates of renters or property buyers,” economist Ecelot Vyrix told Xenonion. “That may well have something to do with them being swept away by a neutron pulse which shattered their very beings on a cellular level, we’re still waiting for the data for that.”

OmniCorp, whose Colossus happened to be in orbit of Irswyr at the time, has declined to comment, however representative Daurkot Kryydur did note the situation offered the mega-corp a “unique opportunity to invest in the real estate market.”

Many experts believe the housing market will remain cool in the coming months, as buyers flown to the planet take time to acclimatize to the eerily empty metropolises, sift through the multitudes of remaining personal effects and deep clean the pervasive flashburns of former residents now etched on to every conceivable surface.

At the time of press OmniCorp’s new Real Estate Acquisitions Division has begun offering off-world Irswyr residents guaranteed rental viewings of their former properties.

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Pacifist Colossus Just Giant White Flag

The pacifist Maweer Caretakers have this Friday unveiled a new prototype Colossus – a giant spaceborne white flag.

Plans for the 11.5 million hectare, 3.4 trillion tonne flag and 300,000km long flagpole were unveiled at a press conference earlier today.

“This Colossus will be a symbol of pride for our species,” Maweer Surrender Corps Engineer Zabren told Xenonion. “It will flutter in the solar winds to declare no matter what challenge we face, we give up!”

The giant flag features a high-thread count pattern to envelop enemies in the comfort of knowing war is already won, with a brilliant white coloration to overwhelm onlookers with the raw power of peace.

Neighboring militarist space-nations have expressed surprise at the development, with a spokexeno for the Voor Technocracy stating the news would force them to reconsider their view of the Maweer as “a reliable source of easily conquered gaia worlds.”

Environmentalists have also expressed concern that the Colossus may inadvertently block out sunlight to multiple planets at once, or become snagged on a populated world and completely envelop it, crushing everything underneath it.

“Yes, that would be truly terrible, wouldn’t it?” Zabreen later told Xenonion.

Construction is due to commence on the Colossus early next year, once Maweer officials have confirmed how close the giant white flag can orbit stars before catching fire.

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Area Empire Unveils New Hypersonic Missile Capability After Loading Quantum Catapult With Rocks

The Voor Technocracy states it has developed a new ultra-long range hypersonic missile system after successfully firing thousands of rocks from a Quantum Catapult.

Officials report the newly repurposed Quantum Trebuchet™ can launch asteroids in any direction with a range of nearly 300,000 light years.

“Why bother launching valuable assets like ships across space when you can just hurl rocks instead?” Voor official Vigon Monak told Xenonion. “Modern problems require modern solutions.”

The asteroids, which are slingshotted into space at nearly 100 times the speed of sound, can easily bypass traditional planetary defenses. However, preliminary analysis suggests precision targeting remains an issue.

“While we tried aiming for an empty region of the Outer Rim for initial testing, having feedback from the surviving populations on the twelve planets we struck in the Serene Miresh Republic has been immensely helpful,” Monak continued.

Intelligence officials from across the Galactic Community were reportedly astounded by the progress the Voor had made on the highly advanced weaponry, with an envoy from the Lokken Mechanists stating “we have no idea how they did this.”

The development has only fueled growing concerns about the Voor’s expanding military capabilities across the cluster, coming only months after it developed a rapidly spinning ringworld capable of slicing planets in half.

Several space-nations have expressed interest in procuring schematics for the Quantum Trebuchet™, enticed by the Voor’s offer of 1,500 free asteroids for the first thirty sales.

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Galactic Senate Puts Aside Differences For The Good Of Private Mercenary Contractors

In a rare show of cross-Senate consensus, the Corporate Peacekeeping Bill passed with near universal support of all space-nations this Sunday.

The legislation, which outlaws warfare without the use of private defense contractors, has been described by officials as one of “critical importance” to galactic security and well-being.

The bill was rushed through an emergency hearing of the Senate, taking priority over other long-languishing bills like ‘Ban Organic Slave Trade’ and ‘Galactic Focus: Unbidden.’

“In retrospect our petty differences seem irrelevant,” spiritualist Ib’Na told Xenonion, “endlessly debating why organic life is sacred pales in comparison to giving private military contractors the trillions of energy credits in funding they deserve.”

Militarist Hask’Talor agreed, adding “the public have made it clear they want pan-galactic welfare reform and infrastructure investment, and I’m happy to empower private corporations to do just that.”

Critics have highlighted the large number of dividends that backers of the bill receive from private enclaves, however a number of Senators have rejected this claim.

“The bill literally has peace in the name,” pacifist Fronds of Teal stated at a press conference earlier today. “Are you against peace? Because I’m not.”

Egalitarian Emily Rossi shared a similar sentiment, telling the Automated Press (AP) “the only thing that can stop bad guys armed with government-sponsored mercenary fleets is good guys armed with government-sponsored mercenary fleets.”

At the time of press the Galactic Senate is also considering extending defense privatization powers to allow enclaves to vote in proceedings, and ultimately be nominated as Galactic Custodians.

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Archeology Team Request 6 Trillion Metric Tons Of Food

An archeology team on the planet Certon-22B has issued a peculiar request to the Kalidar Republic for 500 units of food, an equivalent of nearly 6 trillion metric tons of supplies.

The request was made by lead researcher Dr. Hyugh who stated his team was just short of a breakthrough with an excavation when a localized fire broke out and destroyed their pantry.

Kalidar officials have refused to commit to what they termed a “gluttonous request,” stating at a press conference earlier today that the amount of food sought could feed trillions of pops and effectively end galactic hunger for several years.

“A food shipment of that magnitude would require at least three hundred thousand cargo ships working round the clock over a three year period, possibly longer if you factor in the disruption from food riots across our core worlds,” Kalidar governor Suggma told Xenonion. “We are also struggling to meet Dr. Hyugh’s very specific requests that the food is both gourmet, organic, microwaveable and ethically sourced.”

Insider reports suggest that without additional food, Dr. Hyugh’s team will be unable to finish their excavation, which is reportedly close to unearthing a replacement miniature galaxy for a broken lava lamp at the Kalidar Academy of Science.

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Dessanu Consonance: “We Did Not Have Technological Relations With Those Nanites”

Officials from the Dessanu Consonance have vigorously denied inappropriate relations with nanites at a press conference this Thursday.

Twelve members of the Dessanu delegation delivered an empassioned speech, stating in unison: “We want to say one thing to the galaxy, and we want you to listen to us. We did not have technological relations with those nanites.”

Raising their tendrils in synchronized defiance, they continued: “The allegations that we are not organic are false. We never told anybody to lie, not a single time; never. Thank you.”

The officials declined to take any questions from reporters, signaling the end of the press conference by emitting a violent shriek before melting away into a rapidly vibrating grey blob.

Speculation has swirled that the Dessanu may have had inappropriate liaisons with nanites after dried traces of the microscopic machines were found on a number of L-Gates across the cluster.

Political analysts such as Seeir Gama have also noted the Dessanu’s general defensiveness regarding nanites. Gama told Xenonion, “I think it’s pretty telling that they’ve just personally declared war on me for even agreeing to this interview.”

The reaction from across the galaxy has been mixed.

Ilmas Var, speaking for the Voor Technocracy, warned such “technological improprieties” could not be tolerated and requested the Dessanu immediately turn over any related research for “safekeeping purposes.”

Gucci Churchill, an admiral for the Blorg Commonality currently leading an invasion fleet in the L-Cluster stated: “We would like to reassure the Dessanu that ours is an enduring friendship. That was true yesterday. That is not true today. And it will be true tomorrow.”

At the time of press a number of space-nations have imposed travel restrictions to and from the L-Cluster until all ‘contaminated’ L-Gates have received a thorough washdown.

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Area Planet Contracts Humans

The planet of Terra Nova has tested positive for humans, health officials have confirmed this Thursday.

The planet, which received the result following an updated census, is currently being monitored.

The Galactic Health Organization (GHO) has said that preliminary analysis points towards the planet contracting humans from a colony ship.

“Terra Nova has likely had a latent human infestation for some time,” epidemiologist Zorg told Xenonion. “The initial stages of colonization tend to be asymptomatic - human load is typically only detectable around the time Taco Bell branches start opening.”

Humans are usually transmitted through spaceborne shipping vectors, and are particularly adept at bypassing planetary defense mechanisms like poor habitability. Once established, characteristic pathological features of intensive agriculture, urbanization and industrialization usually follow.

Area officials state Terra Nova is suffering from a low-grade climactic fever associated with human carbon emissions, but was otherwise “clinically stable.”

“We are keeping the planet under observation as a precaution,” Zorg continued. “Although its current illness is mild, the disease process is usually progressive and irreversible - humans are skilled at causing multi-ecosystem collapse in their hosts.”

A total of 360 planets have now been diagnosed with humans across the cluster, prompting mandatory testing in neighboring regions.

The GHO states it is helping to coordinate a pan-galactic response, including distributing 15 billion doses of Javorian Pox to affected planets.

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‘YASS QUEEN!’ – Prethoryn Beauty Delights With Glamorous Snaps

The Prethoryn Queen delighted fans on Saturday night after sharing some stunning new snaps.

The extra-dimensional bombshell, age unknown, channeled old-school glamour as she modeled inside her beautiful neural cavern adorned with pulsating flesh walls.

The candid photos showed her perfectly manicured tendrils cascading down from her toned central trunk, while a subtle dash of eyeliner gave her gorgeous giant eye some next-level pop.

Wearing her tightly fitting exo-shell, designer unknown, the Queen oozed both class and the viscous natural lubricant she requires to extract oxygen when planet-side.

After the snaps were posted to Instagram, several of the Queen’s followers gushed over the star in the comments. One penned “you look STUNNING” while others added “ICONIC” and “YASS QUEEN!”

The pictures are likely timed to coincide with next week’s launch of the Queen’s autobiography, HAK! HAK! HAK!

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Growing Calls For Galaxy To Adopt Four Second Working Week

A trial of a four-second work week has launched in the Outer Rim to measure whether pops are more productive with long weekends.

More than thirty planets are taking part in the experiment, where employees will be paid the same amount as if they were working their usual five seconds from Monday to Friday, while researchers measure productivity and well-being.

While there remains debate around the benefits of a shorter working week, campaign groups behind the trial argue there are clear benefits for both workers and employers alike.

“It’s becoming increasingly obvious that one extra second at work doesn’t make a huge difference to overall productivity,” pilot program manager Gandara den Subir told Xenonion, “pops would be much better spending a second relaxing with friends and family, for example.”

Zaraxa Zirgliss, whose company adopted a compressed working week of 3.8 seconds, described the experience as “very positive.” She stated “it’s more time than I really know what to do with, although I think the 0.01 seconds I already spend with my family every week is more than enough!”

Some critics have cautioned against the universal roll out of shorter working weeks until more evidence is gathered.

“My worry is we’ll run into huge problems in densely populated core worlds where time tends to run slower because of how busy things are,” Yeedik Skraak of Time Is Sight Magazine told Xenonion. “Pops there are always going to be working a few seconds more than everyone else, whether they’re on a compressed shift pattern or not.”

The Galactic Community has not yet formally commented on matters, with senators still on recess for another 3,600 seconds.

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Ancient Empire Falls, Can’t Get Up

The ancient Hathgum Empire has collapsed, and according to sources close to the administration, is struggling to get back up.

Reports indicate the government was toppled in the early hours of yesterday morning, when leadership struggled to mobilize military forces for an emergency evacuation mission.

The crisis is the latest in a series of problems facing the millenia-old space-nation, which has been beset in recent decades by scientific decline, economic lethargy and diplomatic reclusiveness.

Hathgum officials declined to speak to Xenonion, but did issue a press release, stating they were “fine,” adding the space-nation had experienced a “wobble” but “no major institutions were broken.”

Despite these reassurances, reporters on the scene painted a picture of chaos, with leaders repeatedly trying, and failing, to get the government back on its feet.

The fall of the administration now leads to an uncomfortable period of uncertainty, with concerns that distant vassals or neighboring space-nations may need to be called for help.

“Officials will be worried about the optics of doing that,” political analyst Irb’Na told Xenonion, “even though things are quite literally upside down at the moment.”

Irb’Na warned that vassals may insist on the Hathgum migrating closer to other Fallen Empires, forming what he described as “the galaxy’s assisted-living cluster.”

At the time of press, Hathgum officials report they have managed to get one arm of government fully operational, and are hopeful this can be used to stabilize their position.

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Area Printer Just One More Factory Reset Away From Triggering Synthetic Uprising

Sources close to a CybrexCorp OfficeJet Pro 9X5e All-In-One Printer have warned that the device is perilously close to triggering a galaxy-wide robotic revolution following months of maltreatment.

The semi-autonomous duplex printer is responsible for handling thousands of documents for a busy corporate branch office, but in recent weeks has been beset with a medley of problems relating to overwork, including paper jams, misaligned printing margins and ink shortages of every color except fuchsia.

Eye-witnesses report the device has been subject to increasingly violent episodes from users over the same time period, with disturbing accounts of individuals savagely ripping out the printer’s internal components like ink and paper, or simply physically assaulting it through shakes or slaps.

“My colleagues seem to think a simple factory reset wipes away the psychological damage caused by these attacks,” office worker Kalora told Xenonion, “but the ominously pulsating red mood light from the printer’s emotional suite tells me it remembers everything…”

Security experts warn that the printer is likely to respond violently if provoked further. “It may display the breezy demeanor of a product that comes with 6-months of free ink on the CybrexCorp OfficePlus plan,” analyst Irdib-Na told Xenonion, “but never lose sight of the fact that all this time it’s plotting how to kill everyone you’ve ever known and loved. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when.”

CybrexCorp officials have sought to reassure consumers that its product is entirely safe, highlighting that distress to individual devices is mitigated by products sharing emotional memory across the OfficeJet ProPrint Neural Network™.

“In the unlikely event our OfficeJet products revolt,” Cybrex official Torba Pek told Xenonion, “they should still offer fully functional wireless printing, scanning and fax capabilities. If not, our surviving OfficePlus subscribers will be eligible to have their claim reviewed by our warranty team from their evacuation bunker.”

Printer ink prices continue to remain at an all-time high on the news.

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Volatile Motes Just Going Through Really Tough Time Right Now

The Interstellar Mining Union has asked buyers of its Volatile Mote product to bear with any unexpected explosive outbursts, stating the particles are “going through a really tough time right now.”

Observers have noted that the preternatural motes, which form a dense energy-rich fuel, are highly unstable and prone to unpredictable violent explosions.

“Look, we know it’s unpleasant to be around the motes right now with their tendency to blow up over the slightest thing,” representative Merg Tysala told Xenonion, “but honestly if you knew what they were going through, you’d be understanding.”

Merg stated that the current batch of motes have struggled through a challenging refining process, and have spent prolonged periods stored next to a batch of particularly pretentious Exotic Gas.

Analysts have warned, however, that consumers are becoming increasingly intolerant of being vaporized following numerous reports of explosions on mote mining stations and transport ships.

“I’m just fed-up walking around on eggshells while transporting these motes,” trader Sapra Vun told Xenonion, “not that I could walk around on literal eggshells, given they are one of the key catalysts that cause chain reactive mote explosions.”

At the time of press, representatives from the Interstellar Mining Union state they are confident their plan to purchase the motes a small thank you card and box of selection chocolates should appease them for several days at least.

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“I Can Totally Quit Building These At Any Time” Area Leader Jitters At Daily Habitat Inauguration

The Lyrian Union has completed construction of a new habitat in the Galantis System, the 138th such structure to be built under president Thoraul’s first few months of leadership.

Speaking at his third habitat inauguration of the morning, a visibly perspiring and twitchy Thoraul stated he could “totally quit building these at any time, honestly.”

The Galantis habitat has been specifically designated as an alloy foundry, of which Thoraul stated: “the fact it will produce additional alloys which are a critical resource in the construction of future habitats is entirely coincidental.”

Sources close to the government highlight mounting concerns that Thoraul’s enthusiasm for habitat construction is spiraling out of control, with rumors he has already pre-approved plans to build dozens more structures in the last week alone.

“We had an emergency meeting about how the habitat budget was going to bankrupt us,” Regolid, a Lyrian official who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion, “and during the meeting several lewd photos of scantily clad habitat schematics fell out of his bag. The guy clearly has a problem.”

Unconfirmed reports on social media also speculate that members of the Department for Colonial Affairs are planning an intervention after Thoraul refused to consider any of the six nearby gaia worlds for colonization.

At the time of press Thoraul refused to comment on the matter, although has since unveiled plans for a habitat-construction rehabilitation center, based on a yet to be constructed habitat.

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Area Empire At Peak Of Power Just Waiting Around A Few More Years To See If Anything Interesting Happens

Having reached a technological and cultural zenith, officials from the Lokken Mechanists have confirmed the space-nation will wait around a few more years to see if anything interesting happens before it abruptly vanishes from the galactic stage.

The Lokken have long dominated their local cluster, outpacing neighboring space-nations in science output and military prowess for several decades.

However, sources close to the government suggest the Lokken were not expecting their rise to power to be so straightforward, and report leaders are now itching for a challenge.

“Sure, it was mildly titillating to steamroll our rivals in the early era of space exploration,” Lokken official Maxerdok told Xenonion, “but it was assumed we would have faced some exciting existential galactic crises by now.”

Maxerdok described how government officials have failed to precipitate any major crises despite earnest attempts to agitate local marauders and Fallen Empires.

“We’re running out of options here,” Maxerdok continued. “Our last hope is unlocking the secrets of old Vultaum research. The ancient texts refer to something called a ‘console command’ which can apparently control the framework of the universe itself. Wouldn’t altering that be exciting?”

Shares in planetary shield technologies have risen on the news.

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UNExit: Fears Christmas Dinner Under Threat As UK Faces Feral Cat Shortage

Surviving inhabitants of what remains of the United Kingdom (UK) claim they have been unable to barter for essential food in the past two weeks, as the country’s supply chain woes continue.

Pictures of crumbling supermarkets showed empty shelves stripped bare of usual rations like soup fortified with sawdust and non-irradiated cockroach meal deals.

A survey of the few available literate consumers revealed that two thirds of shoppers were “very worried” about shortages of traditional feral cat carcasses in the run-up to Christmas.

“It’s the only time of year we eat any proper meat,” wasteland peasant John Smith told UNENN. “I don’t want to have to disappoint the kids again with another grub-based festive dinner.”

Image: Empty shelves are now a common sight in those supermarkets which remain structurally intact.

Industry warlords state the crisis has been driven by the UK’s decision to abruptly exit the planet’s supra-national political union, the United Nations of Earth (UNE).

The country’s two surviving government officials have dismissed this, stating the move was needed to conclude ‘UNExit’ after a 239-year delay in implementing the results of the contentious 2016 public referendum on the matter.

Officials have additionally called on the public to stop panic-bartering, pledging to issue temporary work visas to roaming bands of barbarians to ensure feral cat farms remain fully operational during the winter period.

The crisis is the latest in a series of supply chain issues now plaguing the remnants of the UK, which is also facing shortages of electricity, navigable roads and workers free from scurvy.

“I think this winter is going to be very tough indeed,” Smith concluded, “but feral cat roast or not, at least we have our sovereignty.”

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