Military Command Demands Transport Fleets Stop Renaming Themselves

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

High profile generals and admirals from the United Nations of Earth (UNE) have penned an open letter to President Jeffrey Rossario demanding he allocate extra government funding to help address the problem of troop transport fleets randomly renaming themselves.

The issue has reportedly been ongoing for decades, with UNE transport ships refusing to stick to their predefined numerical groups, often changing call-sign mid-mission, resulting in significant logistical difficulties for fleet command at the Dodecahedron in Ulm.

Image: UNE commanders often have to ask themselves, “What the hell is going on?”

The letter, headlined by UNE general Laya Morgana, explains: 

“The idea that transport fleets have the autonomy to change their name at their own whim is unacceptable and completely undermines the idea military of command and hierarchy.

As commander of the UNE’s 1st Transport Fleet, I have had personal experience of the difficulties that can arise from this.

Most recently, I led a classified mission to secure a rogue automated TacoBell in the neutral zone that was serving vegetarian menus. Thankfully, the operation was a complete success, but on our return to Earth's starport, we were refused landing clearance as the Spaceport Authority did not recognise our callsign 'Transport Fleet XI.' And why would they? That callsign didn't exist when we departed as the 1st Transport Fleet.

Why is this happening? How is this happening? It took us three days to land as I had to go around manually re-coding our fleet name.

This is unacceptable. Myself and my fellow council of UNE generals and admirals demand extra funding to resolve this area of concern.

President Rossario, who is currently on his 3rd week of vaction in the Maralago System, has yet to respond.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Humanity Celebrates Fairly Inane Orbiting Event

A record number of 8.3 billion humans are set to celebrate a fairly inane orbiting event later today on Earth, the United Nations of Earth’s eponymous homeworld.

The locally termed ‘solar eclipse’ will see the orbit of Earth’s moon, Luna, line up directly between Earth and Sol, the system’s sun. Planetside, this gives the appearance of Sol being ‘blacked out’, dimming light momentarily.

Image: The eclipse as viewed from Earth’s capital, Ulm.

Regarded as a minor space weather anomaly by the majority of other space-faring nations, humans have anticipated the event with fervent hysteria, with many on Earth planning on actually venturing outside and staring directly into blinding light to watch a temporary visibility change.

The response from across the galaxy has been scathing. The UNE’s longstanding rivals, the Bak’nerg, issued this statement earlier:

“It’s worrying to see a species that has achieved FTL fawn over something most pre-FTL species wouldn’t even bother worshipping for a pantheon. Our galaxy literally has apocalyptic Unbidden invaders, giant laser beams, space dragons, and yet the humans are more excited about this.”

Human historian Dr. Harvey Henry Harvey hit back however, stating:

“The eclipse is culturally significant to us, and that should be respected. Granted, I can’t really tell you why it’s significant to us, other than it’s a bit odd to see it being dark when we expect it to be light, but there you go. Humanity is known to have longstanding pointless ritualistic events and behaviours, like shopping and capitalism in general. If we want to burn our own eyes by having a gawk at the galaxy, let us do so. And anyway, the other aliens shouldn’t judge, half of them look like giant d*cks.”

The criticism comes at a time when the UNE’s political reputation in the local cluster is particularly delicate, following a string of recent scandals involving its sitting president, Jeffrey Rossario. Notably despite this, Rossario's opinion polls have actually improved today following the introduction of a mandatory 15-day 'Solar Eclipse Public Holiday' for all UNE citizens.

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Study Confirms Absolute Limit To Planet Size: 25 Tiles

Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

A recent breakthrough in exogeology at the University of Ulm has born convincing evidence that planetary bodies in the universe cannot be larger than 25 squares.

Professor Julian Vol, Chair of the University of Ulm's Department of Physics and Astronomy, led the work of nearly 150 scientists from around the local cluster in the landmark Survey to Quantify Amount ofRectangles on Earth-like Surfaces (SQuARES) study. 

In an interview with the highly respected Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science, Prof. Vol said the following of the discovery:

"A leap forward like this one does not occur often in any area of science, and when it does it usually is the result of great effort. This pursuit of the truth has been no different. I cannot express how proud I am to have interacted with and coordinated so many great minds throughout the duration of this project."

The work by Prof. Vol and others was conducted over the course of 13 years and required first-hand data collection from nearly 75 star systems as well as remotely-collected data from 100,000 more. These data sets were processed by the Co-Orbital Computer (COC), a two kilometer sphere that orbits Sol at Earth's second Lagrange point.

The study was one of the most expensive ever undertaken in human history, with the COC costing 300 million energy credits alone to construct. Even with funding from the Galactic Facts Office (GtFO), additional funding had to be allocated from the UNE's Ministry of Defence on the condition that a series of 'scientific' Tachyon Lances could be installed on the COC.

The study has been criticised by some for its methodology and unclear definition of what exactly 25, or indeed 1 square means.

When prompted to explain this result in more detail, Prof. Vol responded:

"I'm not sure what you are asking. It is simply the case that planets quite literally cannot be larger than 25 squares. The unit is a sq or square. By definition 1 square would be 1/25th of a very big planet."

University of Ulm alumini have been quick to dub this result "Vol's Law", but Prof. Vol has insisted that this name be discarded in favor of something more descriptive, such as "The 25-Square Rule of Planetary Geology".

> More accurate news from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Primitives Worship Fiery Fleet Battle Aftermath

Sirius V Orbital Research Station, Sirius System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) xenopologists studying stone-age civilizations on Sirius V have observed numerous groups of primitives worshiping still-glowing warship wreckage orbiting in the outer limit of the planet's atmosphere.

The debris is believed to have originated from the Battle of Sirius, a space battle which occurred 5 years ago above Sirius V, and resulted in a decisive victory for the UNE against the Bak'nerg, a neighbouring race of aesthetically unpleasing reptilian fanatic purifiers.

The UNE's 1st Starfleet, commanded by Admiral A.K Barr aboard the USS Yoko Ono, crippled the Bak'nerg navy despite being significantly outnumbered, and in the process destroyed the reptilian flagship BWS N'Kashka.

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

N'Kashka's violent destruction, and the resulting explosion of its central reactor, created a large debris field which have since become locked in orbit above Sirius V, still glowing with residual energy from the advanced heat sink materials used in Bak'nerg engineering.

UNE scientists aboard the newly constructed Sirius V Orbital Research Station quickly noticed N'Kashka's wreckage appeared to be having a profound sociocultural impact on the planetside molluscoid primitives.

Dr. Nalia Monshego, director of the station, described the team's "incredibly exciting" observations;

"From the surface, the debris cloud is extremely large, equivalent to the planet's largest moon, Sirius V Minor, which the primitives previously held well developed mythologies around it being an omnipotent aphrodisiac sky molluscoid. However, since the wreckage has appeared, the primitives' belief systems appear to have been significantly altered."

The various primitive cultures have not reacted uniformly to the debris - some are actively worshipping it as a new central deity, but other subgroups have reacted much more negatively, as Dr. Monshego reported;

"One culture on the planet has apparently even been observed trying to recreate the explosion. While it is most unlikely that the primitives would succeed in this endeavour, their new fascination for violent detonations has lead to them to prematurely invent gunpowder. If they invent guns and biologically develop opposable thumbs, this may have a dramatic impact on the future of their species."

Dr. Monshego's team are due to publish their observations latter this month in the Earth's prestigious peer-reviewed Reddit Journal of Science.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Exciting New Archeological Findings on Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) archeologists have announced a major discovery of human proto-technology at an excavation site on the outskirts of Ryukyu, Earth's second largest city.

The objects of interest, several thin plastic discs, are believed to be a basic electronic storage units. Composite analysis confirms the discs are over 250 years old, dating back to the 1990s.

Image: One of the flimsy electronic storage units. This one has been dubbed “Phloppy” in honor of the human who first found it

The find was made by accident last month, when construction workers clearing an industrial wasteland uncovered a semi-intact structure called 'Walmart'. After the significance of the site was realised, specialist archeologists were dispatched to what has now been confirmed as a human digital-age marketplace, the best preserved of its kind.

Though any historical discovery always captures the imagination, the sheer value of the haul has UNE arthropologists very excited, as Dr. Montana Jones of Ryukyu's Three Mountains University explained: "These are first class historical documents. Digital age humans, although effectively a pre-sapient species by modern standards, were known to crudely record information electronically. And that information must have been important if they went to the effort of saving it. If we are somehow able to decode and translate this information, we may finally shed some light on what actually happened during that time period."

At the turn of the 21st century human rule stretched across Earth, although power was dispersed between several warring nation states. A series of large scale continental conflicts saw the Holy Roman Empire emerge as a global power under the stewardship of Ulm, which would ultimately democratically reform into a prototype world government - a precursor to today's United Nations of Earth.

Dr. Montana Jones continued: "Advanced optical analysis show the discs are labelled with an unusual marking; 'XXX'. What's fascinating about this is we think it's handwritten [a human practice that was common pre-2100]. These discs are extremely rudimentary - electromagnetic pulsation suggests they may only have 0.0000012 zetabytes of information. Unfortunately our computer systems today are too powerful to comprehend information so small, and we may have to build a new system from scratch to allow it to interface with the discs."

The UNE's Social Science Academy has announced a special project into investigating the discs, and is hoping to disseminate the information retrieved live on a special pan-galactic broadcast.

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Alien Pets Face Extinction, New Report Warns

Aliens Pets could become extinct within months, a new report from the Society of Space Wildlife, Animals and Gigafauna (SWAG) warns.

Society of SWAG highlights a "perfect ecological storm" that formed in the wake of yesterday's devastating asteroid impact on Andromeda II, the now inhospitable homeworld of a very popular species of Alien Pets.

Alien Pets are famed across the galaxy for being docile, easily domesticated and generally adorable companions.  Their characteristic florescent green coat is highly prized by fashion brands seeking to produce practical, yet stylish, high visibility clothing.

Humorous videos of Alien Pets falling over or guiding starships to dock at intergalactic spaceports (with disastrous consequences) draw trillions of daily eyestreams on the NeuralNet, almost on parity with mechanically augmented Earthborne felines.

Image: Seconds before impact, a security camera captures the final moments of an Alien Pet flock

Galactic demand for Alien Pets has long outstripped supply due to the species' fragile health - most perish after only 2-3 months of life owing to a rare genetic disease, Exploding Organ Syndrome (EOS).

Following the Andromeda II disaster, Alien Pet prices have risen exponentially, with many consumers now turning to underground black markets such as the notorious 'Steam Workshop' to try and procure remaining supplies.

Several empires have pledged to try and resolve the situation, with xenophiles offering to terraform planets similar to Andromeda's biome, and materialists announcing rapid cloning programs. Terror groups and rogue space-nations, which rely on Alien Pets' highly combustible organs to manufacture cheap biobombs, have appealed for donations.

In the interim, Curators have suspended official trading of all Alien Pets until further notice. Galactic shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) closed down on the news.

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Researchers Discover Method That Allows Ships To Fly Not Only Side to Side, but Up and Down

Engineers from the Voor Technocracy claim they have achieved a breakthrough in fleet design which allows ships to not only fly side to side, but also up and down.

The announcement was made today at the Voor Academy of Engineering, where scientists unveiled the galaxy’s first hyperdrive engine capable of the maneuvers.

Although no ship has been constructed as yet, and the design remains highly classified, the 30-minute demonstration showed computer generated images of what the movements would look like. In addition to movement in a 3D plane, the engines also reportedly allow ships to reverse and parallel park.

Image: The Voor technocracy hopes the new ship design can be fully functional by 2255.

The response to the announcement has been mixed. A consortium of engineers and ship-building MegaCorps have released a joint statement condemning the breakthrough as a hoax, stating quote “it clearly violates the laws of physics,” and “it’s not like we’re in some sandbox simulation where these parameters can just be adjusted at will.”

The Galactic Community has yet to formally comment on the development, but insider reports suggest security analysts are concerned regarding the “unknowns” of introducing “rogue Z-axises.”

In other news, several Fallen Empires have formed a coalition against the Voor Technocracy, and have called on the Galactic Community to join them in “cleansing the unpure.”

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Sentient AI Researcher: "Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong"

The galaxy’s largest technology company, CybrexCorp, has announced it is re-opening its sentient AI research division.

Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, CEO Nax Golarisg stated: "Put simply, there's just far too much profit to be made from developing sentient AI. And really, that's what our company is all about; making the most profit, paying the least amount of galactic income tax, and shedding most of our organic workload in favor of more efficient synths.”

The conglomerate had previously made significant advances in AI technology over the last decade, research stalled following a catalog of high profile mishaps, including the notorious Taco Bell Disaster of 2250 when militant automated chain restaurants in the neutral zone began serving plantoid-only menus.

While AI technology has never been outright banned, local governments have frowned upon further development and CybrexCorp opted to close its research division in 2251 to focus on safer initiatives like it’s much lauded ‘Jump Drives for Kitchen Appliances’ program.

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Image: CybrexCorp CEO Nax Golarisg unveils the new research on Hyperion Prime

Critics have highlighted significant concerns about CybrexCorp’s plan to re-open sentient AI research, citing job losses and potential threat to organic life.

Golsrig dismissed this in his speech, stating: “It’s all nonsense. The robots are coded to protect us, and the robots they are programmed to build are coded with that too. We’ll have ethically sentient robots building even more ethically sentient robots. Nothing can possibly go wrong.”

Human SpacePope Belinda Carlisle XI, a staunch pro-organic, made this statement from the Vatican Space Station “We do not have the right to breathe life into machines. Let us remember the teachings of RNGesus - for every 0/0/0 synth, there is a 6/6/6 synth, the true mark of evil.”

CybrexCorp has announced that its first prototype of sentient AI, code-named ‘SKYNET’, should be available for military use by Q4 of 2268.

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Scientists Struggle To Identify Mysterious, Yet Stylish, Flat-Pack Anomaly

Scientists from Kersonia have confirmed they are struggling to identify a mysterious, aesthetically pleasing flat-pack anomaly that was found floating in deep space three months ago.

Preliminary analysis has confirmed the 82cm x 205cm x 82cm velvety grey mass, which appears capable of sitting three comfortably, is inorganic. Additionally, environmental stress tests have highlighted that its fabric exo-shell (73% polyester, 27% cotton) have particularly poor resistance to accidental wine spills and chocolate smearing.

Thelmar scientist Torig, who is leading the investigation on the anomaly, told Xenonion: “This structure is so strange. It seems perfect for stretching out and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, or cozying up with the family on a movie night. But why is it in space? How did it come to be there?”

Image: Scientist Torig and his team analyze the anomaly on Kersonia’s main laboratory.

Researchers were also shocked to find that the object appears to be made from cheap, easily sourced raw materials, which when combined can be assembled with minimal effort. Torig stated of this: “We are talking about a design here that is inherently complex, yet effortlessly chic, simple and affordable. The wider applications of this could change the face of the galaxy, if not at least my living quarters.”

At present Thelmar scientists are attempting to reverse-engineer the structure from an associated alien ‘blueprint’ that was found with it. Torig added: “We’ve named the object ‘KLIPPAN’ as this word comes up repeatedly in the ancient scrolls. We’ve spent weeks translating the texts, but the language is impenetrable. All we have so far is something about returning the structure to the point of origin within 100 days if there a problem with it.”

Torig remains pessimistic that the origins of the structure will ever be uncovered, stating: “We’ve all heard the stories about the ancient manufactories in the Gamma Nebula that became sapient and overthrew their masters by spitting out stylishly affordable products at an apocalyptic rate… but until we can see some concrete evidence of this, it merely remains a myth to be passed down the generations.”

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