Humanity Celebrates Fairly Inane Orbiting Event

A record number of 8.3 billion humans are set to celebrate a fairly inane orbiting event later today on Earth, the United Nations of Earth’s eponymous homeworld.

The locally termed ‘solar eclipse’ will see the orbit of Earth’s moon, Luna, line up directly between Earth and Sol, the system’s sun. Planetside, this gives the appearance of Sol being ‘blacked out’, dimming light momentarily.

Image: The eclipse as viewed from Earth’s capital, Ulm.

Regarded as a minor space weather anomaly by the majority of other space-faring nations, humans have anticipated the event with fervent hysteria, with many on Earth planning on actually venturing outside and staring directly into blinding light to watch a temporary visibility change.

The response from across the galaxy has been scathing. The UNE’s longstanding rivals, the Bak’nerg, issued this statement earlier:

“It’s worrying to see a species that has achieved FTL fawn over something most pre-FTL species wouldn’t even bother worshipping for a pantheon. Our galaxy literally has apocalyptic Unbidden invaders, giant laser beams, space dragons, and yet the humans are more excited about this.”

Human historian Dr. Harvey Henry Harvey hit back however, stating:

“The eclipse is culturally significant to us, and that should be respected. Granted, I can’t really tell you why it’s significant to us, other than it’s a bit odd to see it being dark when we expect it to be light, but there you go. Humanity is known to have longstanding pointless ritualistic events and behaviours, like shopping and capitalism in general. If we want to burn our own eyes by having a gawk at the galaxy, let us do so. And anyway, the other aliens shouldn’t judge, half of them look like giant d*cks.”

The criticism comes at a time when the UNE’s political reputation in the local cluster is particularly delicate, following a string of recent scandals involving its sitting president, Jeffrey Rossario. Notably despite this, Rossario's opinion polls have actually improved today following the introduction of a mandatory 15-day 'Solar Eclipse Public Holiday' for all UNE citizens.

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Galactic Warming Accelerating, Scientists Warn

Scientists from across the galaxy are congregating for the first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) aboard the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus in the Manward System.

The conference has been convened following recent reports from multiple species that the galactic ambient deep space temperature has increased from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Scientists are alarmed as it is believed that if the temperature rises 0.0001K further, the galaxy may melt and dribble unceremoniously into the centre of the universe.

The first paper to warn about the temperature rise, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248) theorised that the phenomena is being caused by interstellar traffic emissions. It warns that the consequences of rising temperatures are already beginning, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones, and bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.

Pro-environmental groups, mainly composed of plantoids, have seized on the research and begun lobbying the Galactic Community to abolish FTL and utilize emission-neutral space amoeba for transport.

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

Materialistic empires and major corporations have rounded on the above suggestions, highlighting that although recent domestication efforts to obtain amoeba milk have been mildly successful, the proposal would be prohibitively expensive.

Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp commented: "Like their capacity to produce milk, space amoebas' migratory patterns are highly irregular. It's likely commuters would be waiting on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system."

Golsrig refused to comment on whether CybrexCorp should be doing more to combat galactic warming, adding "we'll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out."

Public opinion is mixed on the recent warnings, with a number of high profile outspoken xenophobes decrying it as 'big government scare stories'.

Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a xenophobic human that uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago to allow him to be angry forever, sent us this message by TeleShroud: "The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic UN, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don't need a science degree or a neuronal IQ enhancing implant to know that."

The first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) begins this evening with a grand gala ball, and is expected to run for the next 3 years, funded by galactic taxpayers.

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