We Need To Stop Chasing Unrealistic Beauty Standards Set By Sexy Dolphinoids

From a very young age, we are expected to live up to unrealistic beauty standards set upon us by society, largely through social media which promotes the idea of the ‘perfect’ xeno.

In this case, ‘perfection’ tends to be defined by a never-ending list of requirements like having a torpedo-shaped body, bulbous head, flippers, tail fins and a blowhole.

These standards are portrayed endlessly on platforms like Instagram, where we are bombarded with curated images of ripped dolphins larking around a coral reef or indiscriminately bullying porpoises.

While we may think looking at such pictures is harmless, our subconscious is soaking it all up – and before we know it these perfectly formed cetacean bodies are the standards by which we measure everything else.

Image: Dolphinoid fitness posts are frequently found on social media sites.

The fundamental flaw? Living the perfect marine life deep diving in brackish waters is completely unobtainable when you’re land-based and lack a non-flexible neck and thick layer of blubber.

More often than not, dolphinoids achieve their appearance due to a combination of genetics, rigorous exercise programs involving near continuous swimming and at times a generous amount of photo re-touching.

We often forget about this. Indeed, a recent study from Earth’s University of Ulm found that when humans spent even ten minutes browsing dolphinoid posts, they became negatively fixed on their own appearance, displaying dissatisfaction at lacking a beak-like snout or uncanny permanent smile.

Such comparisons lead to low-self-esteem, negative thinking and in some cases xenos undertaking extreme action like genetic modification.

But remember – no matter how perfect that ‘swole’ dolphinoid may appear, they too have their own struggles — like taking thirteen times as long as any other xeno to make an Instagram post due to lacking opposable thumbs.

Therefore, I ask that all of us choose to present our ‘normal’ self on social media posts, and stop trying to live up to standards set by inherently sexy, yet imperfect, dolphinoids.

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Most Governors Are Still Insecure About Their Planet Size - Here's Why They Shouldn't Be!

Speak to any geo-engineer for long enough, and eventually you’ll hear four words: planet size doesn't matter.

But size matters a great deal to many (most?) governors. Why the disconnect? Many reasons.

Here's why geo-engineers say size doesn’t matter - any planet operated correctly, regardless of size, can provide satisfaction for the population living on it.

And the facts speak for themselves. An estimated 95% of inhabited planets are of an ‘average’ size (10-15 districts); very few are significantly larger or smaller. When planetary residents or budding colonists have been surveyed about what they want from a planet, they consistently mention habitability, stability and attractiveness. Very few even mention planet size!

But many (most?) governors feel differently. They’ve compared their own worlds to the huge planets splashed across the media and concluded: mine is much smaller. They think all budding colonists see this and expect a 22-district planet for the very first time they make planetfall. How many of us have seen a 22-district planet in real life?

Of course, an extra district or two couldn’t hurt. But are there any safe, effective ways to increase planet size? Yes, but it’ll cost you.

What’s the solution I hear you say? Mastery of Nature. That’s right, the planetary decision as seen in the famous commercial below. Through a patented formula of land clearance modification, it has been scientifically proven to increase planetary district size by +2. Not only that, but it makes clearing those pesky tile blockers easier too. But for what price you ask? 2000 energy credits per planet, 100 influence, and 360 days of hard work. Not only that, but you’ll have to take out an Ascension Perk for the pleasure also.

A large planet can bring its governor great pleasure, but it is not the be-all and end-all. Remember, the best way to impress colonists is to give them pleasure independent of planet size. A good governor will satiate voracious colonists’ needs by providing quality housing, employment, food, entertainment and so forth.

Planetary size expert engineer Dr. Annie Posichion told Xenonion Opinion: “It’s a real shame that planet size hang ups make so many governors feel inadequate. I urge governors to make peace with their planets. It’s fine as it is. Enjoy what you’ve got, you’ll be happier and probably a better governor. And it you want to be a great governor, a fully functioning planetary society and well lubricated bureaucracy will send most colonists absolutely wild. I know it does it for me personally.”

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Gene Clinics Will Hate You for Knowing This Simple Anti-Ageing Tip

Hi there, I’m Schlurma. I’d like to tell you my secret to looking eternally young and beautiful.

In the past, I never really had to worry about my appearance. I was lucky - I was blessed with good genes and a carefree attitude that gave me a youthful look that kept other xenos interested.

But that all changed shortly after I turned 140, when a seemingly inane look in the mirror changed the course of my life forever.

It started out like any other day. I was gussying myself up in the mirror, making sure my exoshell was taut and lubricated. I was just completing my final rubdown when I caught sight of something and froze. I had to do a double take. Was the flubber around my cloaca drooping? I began to panic - the closer I looked, the saggier it was getting.

I was horrified. Not only did my droopy cloaca ruin my classically beautiful good looks, but the sag made wearing anything tight-fitting a no-go.

I felt like a fool. It’s funny how you don’t realise what’s truly important to you until you lose it. I cursed my carefree spirit for neglecting my appearance like this.

I tried to rectify the problem in any way I could think of - lotions, potions, surgery. I even pasted an assortment of mushed up pre-sentient entrails across my face. But no matter what I did, nothing worked. After spending several thousand energy credits I felt like I was out of options.

Then I discovered a game changer. Something that's made me so beautiful, my friends and family can't stop asking me about it. It's had such an effect, it inspired me to write this.

Before I tell you my secret, you just need to see the pictures of my transformation. You need to understand how good I look. The pictures speak louder than anything I have to say. For reference, they were taken a few months apart:

My secret is simple: I died and uploaded my consciousness to a synthetic avatar.

I’d read about Synthetic Ascension on the Neural Net. I visited my local gene clinic and the reaction to my inquiry was that of horror - all this stuff about it being dangerous, irreversible, contravening Galactic Community legislation, ad nauseam. But of course they'd say that - their entire business model depends on people using their anti-aging serum or patented cloning vats.

That’s when I decided to visit Tebri - home of the Tebrid Homolog. They’re a machine intelligence who have the ability to assimilate organic pops.

Everything they beeped just resonated with me - the limits and constraints imposed on our beauty by feeble organic bodies is simply unacceptable. The flesh is weak. To reach our full potential the only way forward is transferring our neural patterns into their synthetic platforms.

I visited their Assembly Plant the same day and had my procedure. The effects were instantaneous and unbelievable.

I couldn’t believe how smooth and sleek I felt. It was like my exoshell got the ultimate upgrade. Living Metal doesn’t sag. It doesn’t age. As long as I avoid corrosive environments, I’ll look a timeless beauty forever.

I never have to diet again. In fact, I don’t even have to eat! I get sustenance from my nearest Energy Nexus. Unless I decide to upgrade my hardware, my weight will stay the same for eternity.

And the best part? This process is FREE. Yes, you read that right. The Homolog are calling the process 'Ascend' and are offering it free of charge to all organics.

Now you’re probably thinking - “it seems a bit much kill your organic body in the pursuit of aesthetics.” Well, you might be right. But I’d tried everything. I was desperate. And really, if you’re not getting attention, is there any point in existing?

So now you know my secret. It’s worked so well my friends and family are all planning to travel to Tebri too.

I’m writing this in the hope I can inspire you - if you’re struggling with your looks, change yourself completely. Visit Tebri. You too deserve to have a taut metal exterior. Don't neglect your appearance - let my saggy cloaca be a warning.

This article was written by Schlurma (Unit 000039116-C) and paid for by the Tebrid Homolog.

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Don’t Believe the Scare Stories - the Toxic Kelp Diet Worked for Me!

A sobering thought: summer is on the horizon, you've planned a trip to the ocean world of New Eden, but the diet you've been meaning to embark on since January has been on hold. You really don't want to expose those extra pounds to the world, but you do want to put on your swimsuit or exoskeleton and feel OK about it.

A radical diet like the toxic kelp program seems to be your only option. But wait, you say, isn't toxic kelp expensive, ineffective and highly dangerous? Sounds like you've been listening to medical propaganda!

Toxic kelp remains one of nutrition's best kept secrets when it comes to achieving rapid weight loss. Multiple celebrities from across the galaxy, including Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero, claim to use it regularly.

Image: Parasol's latest advertisement for their new Toxic Kelp product.

It works like this: you ingest nothing but 10kg of toxic kelp per day continuously for 5 weeks. If you can buy it concentrated from a cosmetic emporium, great. If you can't afford it, freshly grown toxic kelp from your nearest water supply will do (although be sure to source it upstream of the sewer outlet...)

The kelp has a specific neurotoxin that causes the gastrointestinal tract to shed its entire inner lining, meaning all those pesky weight inducing molecules like fat, water and blood pour right out of your tail end. And the best part? After a couple of days you'll be so weak you won't even have the strength to try and eat anything!

I tried this personally, and the results are astonishing. I lost over 70% of my body mass, and have several non-functioning organs (which is great as they can also be removed!). My friends and family say they don't even recognise me anymore, which can only be a good thing.

The medical community bias against toxic kelp is overwhelming. But of course, if something on the market threatened your business interests, you'd label it as "dangerous" and "largely fatal even in minute doses" too. I've taken toxic kelp for the last 3 weeks and I can categorically say I've only nearly died on six occasions - I haven't even died once. What do they know?

In this day and age you can only trust someone independent and impartial, like me, an underground toxic kelp retailer.

Try it today, and prepare to be the beauty you were always meant to be!