A sobering thought: summer is on the horizon, you've planned a trip to the ocean world of New Eden, but the diet you've been meaning to embark on since January has been on hold. You really don't want to expose those extra pounds to the world, but you do want to put on your swimsuit or exoskeleton and feel OK about it.

A radical diet like the toxic kelp program seems to be your only option. But wait, you say, isn't toxic kelp expensive, ineffective and highly dangerous? Sounds like you've been listening to medical propaganda!

Toxic kelp remains one of nutrition's best kept secrets when it comes to achieving rapid weight loss. Multiple celebrities from across the galaxy, including Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero, claim to use it regularly.

Image: Parasol's latest advertisement for their new Toxic Kelp product.

It works like this: you ingest nothing but 10kg of toxic kelp per day continuously for 5 weeks. If you can buy it concentrated from a cosmetic emporium, great. If you can't afford it, freshly grown toxic kelp from your nearest water supply will do (although be sure to source it upstream of the sewer outlet...)

The kelp has a specific neurotoxin that causes the gastrointestinal tract to shed its entire inner lining, meaning all those pesky weight inducing molecules like fat, water and blood pour right out of your tail end. And the best part? After a couple of days you'll be so weak you won't even have the strength to try and eat anything!

I tried this personally, and the results are astonishing. I lost over 70% of my body mass, and have several non-functioning organs (which is great as they can also be removed!). My friends and family say they don't even recognise me anymore, which can only be a good thing.

The medical community bias against toxic kelp is overwhelming. But of course, if something on the market threatened your business interests, you'd label it as "dangerous" and "largely fatal even in minute doses" too. I've taken toxic kelp for the last 3 weeks and I can categorically say I've only nearly died on six occasions - I haven't even died once. What do they know?

In this day and age you can only trust someone independent and impartial, like me, an underground toxic kelp retailer.

Try it today, and prepare to be the beauty you were always meant to be!