Relationships are all about timing, and it’s not uncommon to find yourself in a position where you want to take your diplomatic ties to the next level, but the seemingly perfect empire next door just isn’t ready to federate.

You know how the story goes. You’ve been neighbours for over twenty years. You both get along well together, with shared values and strategic interests. They seem to enjoy your platitudes and intermittent bulk gifts of alloys. Yet even after all of that, their federation invite acceptance is still hovering around -5, and they’re forming pacts like there’s no tomorrow with some random neutrals halfway across the galaxy.

If your neighbour isn’t ready for a federation, should you wait to see if they will eventually provide you with the commitment you’re seeking? It’s important to consider a few key points.

Why is my neighbour afraid of commitment?

If a potential federation partner is apprehensive about forming a union with you, there may be explanations for this type of behaviour.

They were hurt in the past: One common reason behind fear of commitment is painful past relationships. Have they just broken free from a hegemony? Was a previous galactic union sucking their naval capacity dry? Perhaps by keeping your relationship causal, they’re protecting themselves from future heartache.
They’re just getting out of a serious relationship: This is another driving factor for commitment avoidance. Has a recent stable relationship come to an abrupt end? Have they just been booted out of a local trade league, or left on their own terms? Either way, your neighbour may not be ready to jump back into a serious commitment.
They’re afraid to let you down: Your neighbour may see your fleet doomstacks (the biggest in the galaxy, of course) and worry about the consequences of not living up to your expectations. By not getting involved, no-one gets hurt.
They aren’t sure about their feelings for you: Apprehension may come from not being confident you’re the right fit. Why are you trying to start a federation as a xenophobic isolationist anyway? Tip: be sure to translate each others’ communications first before trying to engage in diplomacy!
They want to play the field: It’s also a possibility that your partner just doesn’t want to be tied down, and likes having very open borders with all different kinds of xenos.

What can do to overcome my neighbour’s fear of commitment?

If commitment to federating remains a persistent issue, there are a few different steps you can take to help deal with the issue.

Prove your loyalty: Intermittent resource gifting is a half-hearted attempt to win favour and everyone knows it. Prove your worth to a potential partner by commiting to monthly resource transfers (yes, including alloys), sharing sensors and promising fidelity through non-aggression and defensive pacts. Sure, it’s not easy, but neither is a commitment to a federation that will stand the test of time.
Demand it: If your neighbour isn’t willing to commit, you’ll need to show them how to by vassalizing them or enforcing a hegemon. It will hurt for sure, but sometimes the deepest of love can grow from strategically placed orbital mind control satellites.
Shop around: If they’re playing the field, why aren’t you? Often times you don’t need to look far. Everyone has that over-familiar fungoid species that lives just over the nebula. They’d be more than willing to federate just for the fun of it. Is there a species in your home territory that you can uplift or enlighten? Sure, they’re not nearly as charismatic or mutually beneficial as your old neighbour, but these new friends are certain to have your back with twice the enthusiasm.
Work on yourself: Perhaps the problem lies within? Are you comfortable and confident in your values? An ethos shift for your society might just give you the edge you need in winning federation running mates. Adopt a diplomatic tradition, or promise to defend the galaxy to get their envoys swooning.

Ultimately you have to decide what’s right for you. But, if after some time your potential partner is still avoiding commitment to federating, the only thing you should be committing to is moving on.