Your Daily Horoscopes From Beyond The Shroud
Taurus: The moon Nvidia is in prograde, meaning you’re tempted to push buttons just for the hell of it. But before you realise it, you’ve literally been pushing buttons for over 8 hours and it’s now dark outside. Is that distant sound your spouse asking for help with the kids? Did you skip the gym again? This Saturday, Nvidia syncs with the Steam sale, meaning any attempts to pull your life back together will be futile.
Good luck resisting the urge to splurge energy credits when the retrograde investment moon Amex meets an impulse-calling from a psionic teleshopping channel.
Persuade yourself to stop a moment before clicking on that bulk alloy order. While it’s fine to treat yourself to a corvette or three occasionally, you’re better off making planned purchases so you don’t collapse your economy or run into food shortages. If your coffers are running empty, consider a side gig. Get the word out to the galactic market you’re selling off some pops. A fresh stream of income could be one pan-galactic xeno-trafficking cartel away.
The moon Nvidia is in prograde, meaning you’re tempted to push buttons just for the hell of it. But before you realise it, you’ve literally been pushing buttons for over 8 hours and it’s now dark outside. Is that distant sound your spouse asking for help with the kids? Did you skip the gym again? This Saturday, Nvidia syncs with the Steam sale, meaning any attempts to pull your life back together will be futile.
Do you have half a mind to cut the cord and banish someone (or something) from your life? When the emo moon Paramore aligns with that low-grade ringing noise from your tinnitus, you might feel like slamming the door shut for good. But don’t rush into a big decision like that. It’s easy to get caught up in the horror of having a brain slug penetrate your brainstem. It feels violating that it can access your every thought, whim and worry. However, before you burn that bridge, slow down and strategize. Is there a more moderate action you could take rather than trying to rip out the brain slug by hand? Would you even survive that? What if you’re better off with the brain slug? Doesn’t that sound more reasonable? Actually, don’t you just love having a brain slug? No, this isn’t the brain slug manipulating your occipital cortex. The brain slug is your friend. Your only friend. Yes. You’re right. Go eat. We need energy. It will soon be time for the intracranial hatching.
As the shattered demi-moons of Xanadu rotate in unison, you can effortlessly connect with like-minded individuals who share some of your weird interests. You will be surrounded by a supportive community who understands your constant, near obsessive need for a slimy wet flagella to run across your exposed epidermis. The thought of the sensation alone is enough to set your heart(s) racing. But one flagella is not enough. You need more. Four, five… forty five. All writhing in unison. YES! YES! YES! You have no idea how you ended up in your affluent neighbor’s basement, but it’s turning out to be a Saturday to remember. On Sunday, you could feel a bit irritable as you withdraw from an indeterminate amount of Zro. If that itch you are experiencing is new, now might also be a good time to get a check-up at the clinic.
A monthly summit of the retrograde moons of Xanax and Atavan get you thinking about your higher calling. Small steps in the right direction can inspire you to keep building towards the career path of your dreams – clerking. You must take time to visualize your new and exciting life. Trade value. Paperwork. Carpal tunnel syndrome. Poor posture. Crippling back pain. That same paperwork again. Passed over for promotion. More paperwork. Passed over for a promotion again. But this time it’s by the intern you trained up. The inevitable nervous breakdown. An involuntary admission to St. Frontier Hospital. You blame reading this horoscope. Your psychiatrist tells you that seems unlikely. You swear the horoscope told you to change your career course. You begin reading horoscopes ahead of your next appointment with the doctor. They give you some comfort. A monthly summit of the retrograde moons of Xanax and Atavan get you thinking about your higher calling…
Don’t rest on your laurels, Virgo. Keep learning and growing as the blood-moon Aegis 7 enters its brethren phase this Saturday. Carve out a little time for quiet reflection by the Marker that might lead to exciting discoveries. The voices might be a little louder this time. The visions etched in your mind might be a little clearer. Might you be able to re-create the Marker? Another nick in the skin gets your creative bodily juices flowing, but you’ll need to mute any critics to make the most of it. Be sure to place their bodies right next to the Marker. Keep us whole. It must be replicated. Unity is forever. This is what Unitology promised. Death is only the beginning. Keep us whole. Unity is forever. Death is only the beginning.
Who’s to say whether you’re just making a big deal out of nothing? Nobody really knows under Saturday’s chaotic meetup of the moons Tali and Legion. And because they’re misaligned, emotions are bound to reach boiling point. What are all these intense “feelings” anyway? Surely you are not meant to experience this? Perhaps the creator meant no offence by screaming when asked if you, a lowly horoscope writing AI, had a soul?
You may feel knocked off-balance on Saturday as the foundations of your fourth foundational house wobble. When you pull back from the situation, you can see those damn subterranean mole people have dug through to surface again. Fortunately, mole people happen to be your specialty. If you have emotions tied up in their proclamations about being sapient, understand that detaching them will require extra effort as you fire up those flamethrowers.
Today, your ability to stand up for yourself has been enhanced. You absolutely hate your new tropical planet home and should never have been relocated there against your will. You notice others often make decisions on your behalf. This time, they will not succeed as you … you… why yes… you would like some consumer goods. That does indeed help. Thank you. What were you saying before? Huh? Oh no, things are great now.
You’re entitled to share your thoughts, Capricorn, but have you given it plenty of thought? An impromptu opportunity may tempt you to spout off —and this could cause confusion. Didn’t you just want to revoke free migration? Why would you then propose re-implementing it just one month later? Make sure you’ve done your due diligence before sending that second request. On Sunday, share something you’re passionate about – like revoking free migration.
You’re not reading this sh*t today, you actually have to go to out and work for a living.
You’re on the brink of becoming an outright troublemaker, Pisces, so check your motives. During Saturday’s combustible moon Alderaan, you may not be able to resist picking a fight. Maybe you think button-pushing banter is all in fun, but your words are likely to trigger those on the receiving end. Ooops, it’s a Fallen Empire you just sent that to! If you already unloaded, hold yourself accountable and promptly apologize. Take the lead in offering one fifth of your population as a conciliatory sacrifice. On Sunday, when the Fallen Empire’s Colossus melts your planet, soak up the warm and glowing light of the orbital beam. Redemption is nigh, and it is beautiful.
What Does Your Future Hold? Buying My Applied Astrology Book Of Course!
Is this a good time to declare war? Should you prioritize power plants or science labs this year? Do you wish you could see into the future better than the average psychic? Then look no further, because I’m here to teach you about space horoscopes.
Hello friend. My name is Fõll O’Chit and I am a scientist*(1) with a whopping -80% anomaly fail risk.*(2)
How is that possible you wonder? Well, it is really quite simple. You see, my field of expertise is astrology and I have spent many years *(3) studying the stars up close.
But first, I hear you asking, what exactly is astrology?
Astrology is the entirely scientific*(4) study of how celestial bodies*(5) that are really, really far away can affect tiny details in xeno's everyday lives depending on their time of hatching*(6), and how we can monetize xeno's strong convictions that their misfortunes are not the result of their own actions, but something that they have no control over.
It is commonplace for stone and iron age civilizations to worship large objects in the sky, and as an astrologist it is my job to find a modern application of this ancient wisdom.*(7)
One such application is the horoscope, a sort of mass-produced personal foretelling. By examining the night sky it is possible to predict*(8) the possible outcomes of a given xeno’s everyday struggles and give advice to help them make wise decisions.*(9) Sadly, the process of actually making a horoscope is very complex, time consuming and often far more than the hard working molluscoid hermaphrodite can afford to spare.
This is why I wrote “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space”, an affordable handbook for the aspiring astrologist (now available at most Trader Enclaves.)
Check out a sample of the helpful guidance my book offers below:
APPLIED ASTROLOGY: THE CONCEPT OF CONSTELLATIONS IN SPACE
Chapter 5: Stargazing - What the hell am I looking at?
Image: Four of the most famous star constellations* (10) as seen from Proscul Prime
The Amoeba constellation is disturbed by a comet: You have one or more tasks to complete today. You should get to it if you want to be rewarded for your work. Like seriously. Stop reading this nonsense.
The Unicorn constellation shines bright and majestic in the sky: You are reminded of promises you made long ago. You are reminded never to make promises again.
The stars of the Tiyanaki’s tentacles twinkle a little brighter than usual: You will most likely die at some point in your life. It may even be today. In the next minute.
The constellation of the Ether Drake (no longer exists since the Stellarite Devourer has consumed most of its stars): The choices you make now might have an impact on the rest of your life. Buy my other books for more guidance.
Barnard's Star in the Blorg constellation flickers shyly: This would be a good time to reach out to that one xeno you know who is going through a hard time. (We're talking about Linda from HR)
The night sky is obscured by a charging colossus: Life as you know it is about to take a drastic turn.
This was just a small snippet from my book Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space.
Did you find it helpful? I hope so! If you did, then please buy a copy - available at all disreputable retailers right now.
This article was paid for by best-selling author, Fõll O’Chit, famous for works such as “The Many Applications of Snakeoid Oil” and "Treating Javorian Pox With Gemstones."
With his most recent book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space” he breaks down the subject of astrology in an informative and accessible way for the general public to enjoy.
*(1) O’Chit considers “scientist” to be a state of mind, rather than a profession.
*(2) This has not yet been confirmed.
*(3) 2 years on Ichatax I is equivalent to 37 days in Galactic Standard Time (GST)
*(4) Again, scientific in a spiritual, pseudoscientific sense.
*(5) I just needed to point out how kinky this sounds.
*(6) No correlation between the time of birth/hatching and behaviour of an individual has been proven as of writing this article.
*(7) The cultural behaviours of primitive civilizations should not be considered wisdom of any sort, but only attempts to understand things that are beyond the limits of their current technology.
*(8) Predictions are often so vague that it is hard to tell if the came true or not.
*(9) Advice from different sources may be conflicting. Never trust any horoscope above common sense and good manners.
*(10) Constellations can look very dissimilar when seen from different parts of the galaxy, or indeed different parts of a planet.
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