Empire Just Completely Abandons Planetary Naming Convention After Hitting 37 Colonies

Citing increasing frustration over an ever-expanding roster of new colonies, officials from the Commonwealth of Man have reportedly just completely given up on trying to follow any coherent planetary naming strategy.

“There’s just too many new worlds”, Internal Affairs Minister Herman Beauclair concluded during a departmental brainstorming session, “we’ve already used up all the thematically good names.”

Producing a diagram of local star systems, he pointed out the aesthetically pleasing and consistently suffixed core worlds of Hyperion, Astrion, Nexion and Iridion.

“When we began expanding into the mid-rim we compensated by naming the worlds after their system and just adding ‘Prime’ to the end of it”, he continued. “But there’s only so many times you can pass by Gaea Prime without a crushing sense of disappointment.”

Image: Commonwealth Minister Herman Beauclair has been struggling to establish a consistent naming system.

Diplomats from neighbouring empires have pledged to aid the crisis, offering their own solutions such as prefixing planets with ‘Vi’, ‘Ad’ or ‘Nos’ to add contextual flavour.

“Alternatively they could just follow our fairly solid plan of completely ignoring copyright”, Governor Trelix of the Trantor-Krypton-Dagobah tri-planet area told Xenonion.

At the time of press, Commonwealth officials stated they are considering implementing a new system which would see planets simply named after their primary function. Residents of the trial worlds ‘Techybois 5’ and ‘Generator Districts Go Brrr’ have expressed their disapproval.

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Article idea by @Kennedy (Discord)

Area Empire Adopts Gavelkind Succession

Following increased pressure from a growing faction of powerful vassals, Emperor Jeffremagne has half-heartedly agreed to adopt gavelkind succession.

The change in succession law will now see the inheritance of the Jeff Imperium divided among Jeffremagne’s sons.

Speaking with Crusader Today magazine, Jeffremagne mused: “How bad can it be? I’m two hundred years old and have thirty eight sons, so it sounds fairly reasonable.”

He went on to lay out his meticulous plans for how the empire would be equally divided with uniform and aesthetically pleasing borders.

Image: Emperor Jeffremagne and his many, as yet, unlanded sons.

“I’ve spent many years grooming my primary heir Jeffoman for power,” Jeffremagne continued, “it is vital he isn’t left with one tiny system where his siblings could easily overpower him and usurp the main title.”

Xenonion tried to reach out to Jeffoman, but the intelligent and charismatic heir declined an interview, stating he was “outraged” by the succession law change. When asked how outraged he was, he stated firmly: “-50.”

However, his repugnant and slow learner brother Jeffin stated he was “delighted” with the news, adding “I think I’ll celebrate… with a beer!”

Shares in spymasters have rallied on the news.

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*Article idea: @kennedy (Discord)

Death Cult Despoilers Disappointed to Find Abducted Pops Robotic, Lacking in Sacrificial Organs

The Inzakari Rippers’ leadership cabal has voiced its disappointment after learning that the latest tranche of pops abducted from a neighbouring empire were actually synthetic and entirely lacking in viable organs for planned sacrificial rituals.

“At this point we’re not even sure that they’re alive”, general and senior flayer Oderus told Xenonion. “Sure, they’re capable of emulating fear and terror, but the reanimation rituals kinda fall flat when there’s no skin to strip, blood to drink or organs to unceremoniously tear out.”

Envoys from the raided Dynax Construction Matrix responded curtly to the comments, issuing a press release dismissing the Inzakari’s “dangerous prejudice”, adding its machine pops were “as good for abduction and sacrifice as any organic equivalent.”

Image: Senior flayer Oderus worries the empire’s new automated blood-letting processing line will struggle to work with synthetic pops.

The Inzakari, famed for their barbarity and extreme violence, have yet to formally respond, although insider reports suggest that the Galactic Community’s Committee for Organic Assimilation has received a fleshletter of complaint written entirely in blood from Deathlord Korr.

Oderus stated: “I don’t know what to do. We tried ripping out their processing units but the feigned beeps for help really took all the magic and pageantry out of the gutting ceremony. Also, their metallic husks are just super uncomfortable to wear compared against a good-old fashioned bone helmet.

At the time of writing the Inzakari have also reportedly called off a planned invasion of Blorg Prime, with Deathlord Korr issuing a rare diplomatic missive: “I hope you're all happy, we're just gonna do our own thing for a while, I guess. Whatever."

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Galactic Council Calls Emergency Meeting After Area Empire Appears "Highly Sus"

The Galactic Council have convened an emergency meeting after a small space-nation was found destroyed in the Skeld nebula.

The gruesome discovery was made by the Fortegreen Alliance, whose science ships called in the finding while performing routine exploratory tasks in the region.

The Redd Commonality immediately demanded all space-nations self report to the Council for further investigation. In agreement, Council representatives told the Assembly floor: “The perpetrator behind the Skeld attack is clearly here among us. Justice demands we now vote en masse, and assign guilt based on a majority result.”

The ensuing open vote was fraught, with the Orenje Union quickly declaring its intention to vote for the Fortegreen Alliance, describing the empire’s original reporting of the incident as “highly sus.”

Image: The Galactic Council convenes an emergency vote regarding the Skeld attack.

A spokesxeno for the Fortegreens strongly denied the accusation, protesting to the Assembly: “Just because we were in the region does not mean we were involved! We should take time to compare our evidence and think about this logically.”

Accusations only intensified following this, however, after both the Tan Empire and Cyanic Dominion testified to having witnessed Fortegreen ships using a local L-Gate to avoid detection, which the Alliance has also denied.

The electronic vote concluded after a record ten seconds, with the Fortegreens being found overwhelmingly guilty of perpetrating the attack.

In the wake of the result, the Galactic Council have revoked the Fortegreen’s membership of the organization, and ejected all diplomatic staff from the Interstellar Assembly.

The Galactic Supreme Court has been quick to reject the Fortegreen’s attempt to appeal the Council’s decision, with one leading justice reasoning: “Idk, they do seem kinda sus.”

At the time of press the Galactic Council’s formal inquiry into the Skeld incident was forced to adjourn after the Interstellar Assembly developed a critical oxygen fault which required immediate attention.

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Article idea via @ScreechBot

Awakened Empire Has Just About Had It With Galaxy's Lazy, Disrespectful Attitude

Clearly irate at being left as the sole active defender against the Unbidden invasion, the Zelvan Arbitrators warned the galaxy this Thursday that they have “just about had it with the lazy, disrespectful attitude,” adding “it ends now, or else.”

Addressing the Galactic Council earlier today, Zelvan representative Mondrig appeared clearly exasperated, lamenting: “Just who exactly do you think we are? Your personal crisis cleaner? Do we exist to just run around after you mopping up your interstellar mess? Show some respect to your elders!”

Sources close to the Zelvan report the tirade was triggered after not one single space-nation offered to join to help the war effort, despite the ascendancy awaking specifically to tackle the extra-dimensional invaders.

Mondrig continued, with increased tension in her voice: “We’re out here being worked to the bone, and what are you doing? Oh, of course, busy lazing around playing Universe Universalis. Well maybe, just maybe, we’d like to be lazing around too. But then who would do all the galactic chores? The peacekeeping fairy?”

Mondrig’s speech was abruptly cut short after she caught one of the delegates smirking, to which she sniped: “Wipe that look off your face RIGHT NOW. Do you think — look at me when I’m talking to you — do you think this is funny?”

Shortly afterwards, the Galactic Council sheepishly issued a written statement in which it said it was sorry the Zelvan “felt that way” but found the accusations “totally unfair, and like, blown way out of proportion.”

Image: Hilda Ernst is one of the human representatives on the Galactic Council.

Galactic Council Member Hilda Ernst told Xenonion: “Seriously, the Zelvan just need to, like, chill. The Great Khan allowed us to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, with none of this nagging or drama.”

The response only further enraged Zelvan’s Diplomatic Corps, with officials immediately mandating that all foreign fleets within their territory return to their home system “right this minute,” and “take a real hard think about what they’ve done.”

The Galactic Council has lodged a formal petition of complaint regarding the border closure, protesting that it had arranged plans to explore the L-Cluster with allies this weekend. When asked for a further explanation, the Zelvan curtly replied: “The borders are closing because we say so.”

Ernst told Xenonion the developments were “so annoying,” adding: “Absolutely EVERYONE is going to the L-Cluster this weekend! Our lives are RUINED forever!”

At the time of press, Zelvan representatives told Xenonion they were not angry at the Galactic Council, “just disappointed.”

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“Do Not Misjudge Our Power," Pathetic-Rated Empire With Three Corvettes Warns Neighbors

The pathetic-rated Hiffnar Empire has warned neighboring species that any territorial infringements will be met with “the crushing force” of its three Corvettes.

Hiffnar leader Vathrag issued a stark warning to what he termed “meddling foreign entities” in a televised address today, stating “do not misjudge our power - you cannot afford to play games with us.”

The bellicose comments mark a significant hardening of stance from the Hiffnar’s two part-time envoys.

Vathrag also denied his comments come following a recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) confirming the Hiffnar Empire as one of the galaxy’s least developed space-nations, stating he would not comment on something he was unable to read.

Image: The three Corvettes of ‘Strike Force Unbreakable Destiny, Sword: Actual Warhammer Alpha’ closely guard the Hiffnar homeworld of Drull.

A coalition of neighboring space-nations with overwhelming military power have issued a joint response to Vathrag’s warning, stating they are “super scared.” They have also called for “mercy”, with a “humble request” for the Hiffnar not to overwhelm them by using all three of their corvettes at once.

The Galactic Community has appealed for calm, adding it’s had a long day at work and just needs a goddamn minute to itself, OK?

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*Article inspired by ChalkyTable3335’s Reddit post

Barbaric Despoilers Awkwardly Withdraw From Raid on Blorg Prime, State “Something Else Suddenly Came Up”

The inhabitants of Blorg Prime have been left perplexed after the Raxar Despoilers, a notoriously aggressive raiding clan, abandoned an attempt to abduct pops only moments after arriving on the planet.

The Raxar initiated the surprise raid in the early hours of this morning, however withdrew after their dropships were deluged with Blorg volunteering for abduction. The raiders then reportedly released the handful of Blorg they had captured, telling them: “Sorry, we have to go, something else suddenly came up.”

Image: Raxar raiding parties rapidly withdraw on sighting the Blorg.

Raxar Warlord Ludramok issued a rare apology to the Blorg via Xenonion this afternoon, stating: “We’re really sorry. The raid on Blorg Prime sounded great, but when we got there we suddenly remembered we had this other really important thing to go to. We’d promised this other species we were going to raid them, and we didn’t want to let them down. It’s nothing against the Blorg, they hosted a great raid, honestly.”

Footage from the attack showed the ferocious Raxar troops disembarking from their ships before immediately recoiling with shock and disgust after physically sighting the multi-tendrilled Blorg, who had prepared complementary gift-baskets complete with freshly harvested fungoid cheese.

Blorg administrator Cindy Crawford voiced her disappointment at the Raxar’s sudden departure, telling Xenonion: “We were so excited for this raid. We’d been planning it all week, sending out invitations to any despoilers we could find. As soon as we picked up the Raxar hyperdrive signatures we couldn’t wait to host some new friends. My sister was so upset as she’d put a lot of effort into making a homegrown batch of fungoid cheese, but I guess we’ll save it for another time.”

Ludramok responded to this in his interview, stating with uncharacteristic claw-wringing: “The cheese looked delicious, really! It’s just our species has really bad irritable bowel syndrome, and honestly we didn’t want to risk it while being away from our homeworld.”

The Blorg have been quick to offer a further potential raiding date next week, however the Raxar have politely declined, stating the species is collectively washing its hair that day, and then probably needs to swing by the Gene Clinic to visit a sick relative.

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Public Trust in Commonwealth Dictatorship Plummets to Historic Low of 240%

Trust in Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair has fallen to a 9-year low, the state-funded polling agency Pollaganda said this Thursday.

Just 240% of citizens surveyed last month said they trusted Beauclair, the lowest percentage since the pollster began asking the question in 2245.

The survey, taken by over 12.5 million easily traced respondents, echoes other opinion polls showing decreasing approval of Beauclair, who has been the space-nation’s preeminent political leader since 2200.

Beauclair has suffered a slide in ratings following her botched attempt at rebranding the Commonwealth as the ‘Imperium of Man’, which left the government shelling out 13 trillion energy credits to settle a trans-dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit.

The Commonwealth’s Press Secretary Max Brill refused to answer questions on the topic at a news briefing today, stating that the polling was “not consistent” with figures he had seen. Visibly irritated, he ended the briefing by summarily executing all those present.

Political analyst Sara Weber said the mixed poll result was “really significant,” showing that while Commonwealth citizens continue to approve of Beauclair, there is a “visible trend” of public fatigue towards the constant threat of being abducted to an off-world government black site.

Pollaganda has since stated that this year’s survey was the first to try a new style of question where respondents could answer independently from the presence of armed government minders.

Following criticism from the Commonwealth Executive, Pollaganda has since reversed its polling methodology, and revised results have shown trust in Beauclair has returned to a baseline of 450%.

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Galactic Council to Counter Unbidden With Repeated Emergency Sanction Bills

The Galactic Council has this Thursday announced a “firm and decisive” response to the escalating Unbidden crisis in the Outer Rim.

The “robust action plan”, unveiled at a press briefing this morning on the Interstellar Assembly, will see the Council schedule non-stop, back-to-back emergency sanction bills for an indefinite period.

Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Council, stated: “The Unbidden’s policy of eradicating all life in this dimension is clearly in breach of not only diplomatic etiquette, but also galactic law. These emergency sanctions, if they ever actually pass, will send a firm and decisive message to the Unbidden that we do not condone being killed.”

Image: Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Galactic Council, stated members were acting in a “proportionate” manner to the Unbidden threat.

Numerous political blocs within the Galactic Community have jointly praised the Council for its handling of the crisis. Jurba Shogg, leader of the Chinorr Combine, echoed this, stating “once this legislation is enabled and survives the inevitable ten repeal attempts, the Unbidden won’t know what’s hit them.”

The Senate is widely expected to comply with the Council’s request, suspending usual proceedings to prioritize the emergency sanction bills. Additionally, the Council is hoping to use veto powers to avoid the debate floor getting bogged down with other non-essential and time-intensive bills, such as Galactic Focus: The Unbidden.

Outer Rim systems have struggled to contain the three-year long Unbidden invasion, which has seen the systematic destruction of over 100 inhabited worlds and is expected to tip into the Mid-Rim in coming months. A recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) has also warned the invasion could become “serious” after new figures estimated over 30 trillion xenos have now been engulfed by the crisis.

Image: Unbidden fleets are spotted entering the densely populated Mid-Rim system of Othana, although local leaders insist they’re probably just passing through.

Speaking to Xenonion, Gapra Vun affirmed the Galactic Council’s commitment to tackling the Unbidden, describing the extra-dimensional invaders as “a galactic menace, causing chaos on par with local pirate syndicates and roving gangs of feral space amoebas.”

Public opinion has broadly been supportive of the Council’s proposed plan, apart from the Outer Rim, where Xenonion has been unable to collate any responses.

Despite this, some have criticized the Council for not adopting tougher measures against the Unbidden. Political analyst Falatir d’Vhakk wrote in a widely shared article from the Reddit Journal of Political Science yesterday: “the Unbidden don’t care about sanctions - we need denouncement, and we need it now!”

The Council has stated it is open to “all options” including denouncement, but only at the right time. Gapra Vun expanded: “we wouldn’t want to disrupt the economy, alloy prices are surging as it is.”

The first emergency bill, E-9196 (Minor Administrative Sanctions), is scheduled for debate early next year, and roughly every two years following that, until it passes.

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Area Empire Regrets Blithely Skipping Over Terms & Conditions Before Joining Hegemonic Federation

Diplomats from the Free Tarassi State admitted this Thursday that, in retrospect, they should have actually read the Terms and Conditions associated with joining a hegemonic federation before blithely agreeing to it.

It was only after accepting the membership request from the authoritarian Terrex Imperium that the Tarassi formally reviewed the associated 500 million pages of legal text.

Government officials were reportedly horrified to learn that they had enrolled themselves into a permanent and legally binding contract with the Terrex, who have presided over the federation since its inception earlier this year.

Tarassi government spokesperson Jargim del Telnik told Xenonion: “At first, we were really pleased about the offer to join the Greater Terrex Prosperity Co-Sphere. I must admit, the request did strike us as somewhat odd coming from the Terrex, given their flair for unjustified wars, indiscriminate orbital bombardment and mass enslavement. However, we’re trustworthy by trait and federation builders by outlook, so it would have been rude to turn them down.”

Jargim went on to describe how it took almost three months and a complex rotation of five hundred interns working continuously to print the document.

Xenonion was able to secure a copy of the document and independently verify that it weighs equivalent to a small commuter Corvette, and also includes a number of sweeping rules, such as:

• Section 11.5391.53a: “Members cannot leave the Federation without the Federation President’s express approval.”

• Section 11.5391.53b: “If members still wish to leave the Federation, they are directed to challenge the Federation to a Trial by War. If this is successful, Federation exit can be approved.”

• Section 17.1052.05: “Members must contribute a minimum 10% of Fleet Cap to the Federation President. This number is subject to change.”

View fullsize

Image: The Federation Membership Terms and Conditions received by the Terassi.

Multiple Tarassi requests to leave the Co-Sphere have all since been flatly rejected by lawyers for the Terrex Imperium, who have redirected the government to the above subsections of the Terms and Conditions.

Jargim added: “We initially thought we could wait things out and bide our time until leadership rotation, but of course this isn’t a standard federation. It turns out we can only assume the presidency if we defeat the current Terrex leader in a psionic duel… and we’re not a psionic species. Apparently that was in the T&S too.”

The Terrex have declined to comment on the above, stating they are otherwise preoccupied with developing technology that would allow the highly dense Terms and Conditions document to be weaponized for planetary bombardment.

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*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive.

Area Pops Suddenly Develop Political Opinions

Recent reports suggest that pops from the Cul’thar Republic have suddenly developed diverse opinions on political matters.

Cul’thari pops had previously been broadly apolitical, however on the tenth anniversary of the young space-nation discovering FTL travel, vast swathes of society rapidly divided into bitterly opposed factions.

A leader of one the newly formed xenophilic factions, Veldanura, explained to Xenonion: “When I went to sleep last night all I was thinking about was breakfast, but when I woke up my mind was racing with thoughts about pan-galactic trade and the ethical implications of space militarism.”

At the time of writing, seven Cul’thari factions have emerged, each pushing for individual agendas such as expanding foreign diplomatic relations, or enslaving anything that moves.

Image: A number of political factions have emerged in Cul’thari society.

According to insider reports, the Cul’thari government were caught completely off guard after discovering almost 1.3 trillion pops had suddenly developed opinions, having previously enjoyed absolute political unity in a single-minded Senate.

Livestreams from inside the legislature showed dramatic pictures of Senators initially placidly agreeing with each other on a new xeno refugee policy, before half the body erupted into a blind rage, with both some government and opposition members calling for the immediate purging of anyone who disagreed with them.

Urging an end to political strife, Cul’thari president Kashnaka made a public address earlier today, stating: “So, does anyone know what just happened? My last election was a unanimous victory but now I have something called an ‘approval rating’, and it’s dropped below 20%. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like it and want it higher. Perhaps it’s something to do with all the policies that we introduced over the last ten years that everyone now seems to have issue with. However, even I admit I’m starting to disagree with policies I personally implemented.”

Health experts have highlighted concerns about the longer term effects of opinions on Cul’thari pops. The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) has confirmed it is investigating whether opinions could be classified as infectious, and whether if left untreated, may cause serious harm.

Similarly, political analysts expect opinions will have a highly fraught impact on the Republic’s upcoming election, which for the first time ever is likely to feature more than one candidate for pops to vote for.

ANALYSIS -- AN'TAK

How this change will influence Cul'thuri politics is yet to be seen. If predictions are accurate, the emergence of 'opinions' and factions represents a paradigm shift in how the Cul'thari government will be able to operate. As one government official told me, leaders may have to partake in novel practices like "compromising" and "discussing both sides of the issue." Could opinions spread to your area? Is your family safe from inevitable political dinner table arguments? Only time will tell...

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UNE President Calls Commonwealth Leader 'Two-Faced Xeno Scum' at Summit

United Nations of Earth (UNE) President Jeffrey Rossario has called Sidney Beauclair "two-faced xeno scum" after a video emerged showing the Commonwealth of Man (CoM) leader appearing to mock him.

The pair had been attending the annual Space Treaty Organization (SPATO) summit, hosted on Earth’s capitol of Ulm.

Footage emerged showing Ms Beauclair in conversation with a number of other human dignitaries, including UNE sector governor Emilio Hermes, all of whom were seemingly unaware they were being recorded.

On discussing Mr Rossario’s late arrival to the summit, Ms Beauclair stated: “He was late because of another 40 minute press conference talking about building a Colossus and making xenos pay for it.”

Mr Hermes then told an anecdote about life without interstellar food transport, before returning to discussing Mr Rossario’s current SPATO proposals. An amused Ms Beauclair replied: “Oh yes. He talked about the Space Wall again. Did you see his Chief Engineer’s jaw drop to the floor?”

Image: Footage from the event was captured by a local news team on Earth, UNENNBBCCBC.

Mr Rossario, in response, cancelled a further thirty-five press conferences he had scheduled for later in the day, telling reporters: “I’d like to talk some more about the same thing I’ve been talking about for the last two years, but some of us seem to think I’ve done enough talking.”

He then launched into a diplomatic attack on Ms Beaclair, stating: “You know what? She’s two-faced xeno scum. I know, technically, we’re the same species. Technically. She’s attractive, I’ll even give her that. But the truth is, she’s behaving like a xeno. Not a human. A xeno. Humans love me. All of them. Humans don’t do this. She’s annoyed because my plans for the Colossus and Space Wall are going so well, and that perhaps, as a xeno, she’ll have to pay for it.”

Mr Rossario then went on to chastise the Commonwealth of Man’s contribution to the SPATO budget, which remains below the required 2% of annual GDP. He added: “Sidney is clearly just not happy that I’ve been calling her out on that. She’s not paying the 2% and she should be paying the 2%. I mean, I know they’re poor. Particularly after having to pay off all the copyright issues with that terrible rebrand. But they have some money. So she should be paying more than she’s paying.”

SPATO, a defence initiative aimed at promoting cooperation among disparate human space-nations, was established in 2251 following the loss of the human planet of Centaurus Prime to the Stellar Starfish Empire. It is comprised of the United Nations of Earth, Commonwealth of Man and several smaller one-planet minor jurisdictions including the Habsburg Autonomous Region and the TacoBell Neutral Zone.

It has had a turbulent history, in part owing to frosty longstanding UNE-Commonwealth diplomatic relations, and increasingly divergent member state ethos, leading to opposition to Mr Rossario’s proposal to build a SPATO-funded Colossus and Space Wall.

At the time of press, Mr Rossario has threatened to remove the United Nations of Earth from SPATO, stating: “We’ll make our own SPATO, with cooler species, like those Starfish. They would certainly be up for building another a Colossus.”

Meanwhile, Mr Rossario’s domestic agenda remains highly turbulent, as the UNE Congress continues its investigation into claims of corruption charges against him.

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UNExit: UK Request To Delay Leaving Earth For 472nd Time Approved

The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has approved the United Kingdom’s traditional biannual request to extend Article 50, setting February 2254 as the new deadline for what remains of the member state to leave the planet’s governing body.

The UK’s bid to leave the UNE, also known as UNExit, was originally scheduled to take place in 2019, three years after a highly contentious public referendum on the country’s continued membership within the political and economic union.

The process to negotiate a withdrawal agreement, now in its 236th year, has been plagued by repeated setbacks and delays. A deal was almost formalised in 2034, but collapsed after the country elected to nuke itself following overwhelming support for the option in a 38th ‘People’s Vote’ referendum.

The tattered remnants of the United Kingdom have remained deeply split between highly irradiated ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ voters, who have been unable to come to any form of consensus on how to achieve UNExit, other than agreeing to classify any remaining survivors north of the Midlands as sub-human.

The delay was requested last week by Prime Minister and Grand Supreme Wasteland Overlord Joris Bonson, which contradicts his earlier pledge to exit the planet by the end of October 2253 regardless of whether a withdrawal agreement was in place.

Bonson was spotted outside the melted ruins of the former Houses of Parliament in London this morning, but refused to speak to reporters, instead opting to club the bedraggled remains of a UNE flag with an excessively large stick.

The decision to grant the extension was taken by ambassadors representing the remaining functional UNE member states earlier this week in Earth’s capitol of Ulm. Speaking about the extension, UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated: “Yep, sure, whatever.”

The delay means that the habitable areas of the UK will no longer crash out of the UNE without a deal, avoiding jeopardising the wasteland’s fragile economy, which is highly dependent on exporting scraps of meat and giant irradiated cockroach shells to the UNE.

Under the terms of the extension, the UK could still leave the UNE before February 2254 if the three surviving Members of Parliament (MPs) can approve a withdrawal agreement. Political pundits feel this is unlikely however, as to enact such legislation each MP would have to survive a trial by combat outside the newly constructed government hovel.

The delay also allows time for the country to hold a general election, in which non-mutants could be asked to vote for leadership candidates of their choice by undertaking blood rituals at the ruins of former polling stations.

So far, public opinion remains mixed on a UNExit delay, or indeed the prospect of an election. One undecided voter, Plerg, told reporters:

“I really don’t know what to think. What are we trying to leave again? All I can say is I love UNExit extension request day. It’s my favourite holiday, even after Crisismas or Easter 2: The Reckoning.”

With a potential election looming, a further UNExit delay raises difficult questions for the Bonson government, which has spent £3.50 (roughly 40% of the country’s GDP) on procuring fresh supplies of cat meat in anticipation of leaving the UNE without a withdrawal agreement.

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Fleet Trapped Following Space Border Closure

The Kel-Azaan Republic has closed its borders to the Kobarian Star Pact, causing significant travel disruption and leaving the Kobarian’s primary fleet stranded in an unclaimed enclave system.

The move has caused travel chaos across the cluster, with all civilian trade ceasing. Several Kobarian science ships which were also in Kel-Azaan space when the blockade came into effect have also gone missing and it’s unclear if and when they will return to friendly territory.

Image: The Kobarian’s fleet is trapped in the unclaimed Aruz system, an enclave within Kel-Azaan territory.

Diplomatic relations between the two formerly friendly neighbors soured after the Kobarian Star Pact entered into a trade agreement with the Chinorr Combine, long standing rivals of the Kel-Azaan.

Defending the border closure, Kel-Azaan leader Strategos Krexax told the Republic’s Senate earlier this morning that Kobarian cooperation with the Chinorr was unacceptable, stating the border closure would “teach them a lesson.”

Image: Kel-Azaan leader Krexax.

The Kobarian Fleet, named Suthnar’s Armada, is a 12.3k battle group which comprises 100% of the Star Pact’s military capabilities. The fleet, although relatively advanced, is only fitted with Hyperdrive III engines and cannot use any other means of FTL travel.

“This is the first time this has happened to me as an admiral,” Suthnar Commander Ereth told Xenonion earlier today. “We’re well and truly stuck here. You’d think with this being space we could just fly in any direction we want, closed borders or not. But we can’t. It’s like the Kel-Azaan have put up an impenetrable invisible wall or something. I’m assuming it must be some advanced technology.”

Image: Suthnar Admiral Ereth.

Sources inside the Kobarian government have indicated that security services believe the timing of the border closure was a deliberate ploy to stymie the Star Pact’s military capabilites, effectively rendering core worlds defenceless, particularly to an attack by the Kel-Azaan.

Strategos Krexax condemned the accusations, stating that the Kel-Azaan fleet build-up along border systems was simply to ensure there were no “illegal border crossings.” He added, “it would be too bad if the Kobarians had to declare war on us to open the border… because they know our military power is superior to theirs…”

At present both space-nations have resorted to firing a volley of insults back and forth to each other via diplomatic channels.

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Federation Member Proposes War It Definitely Wont Participate In

The Just Alliance federation is considering a declaration of war request from the Uri Nation, a member state which has absolutely no plans to assist in the war effort.

Presenting its proposal to its four fellow federation members, the Bwauki Multisystem, Glukkonian Guild, Eredi Assembly and presiding Lorex League, the Uri Nation appealed for military intervention against its larger neighbour, the Cevanti Empire.

Image: Members of the Just Alliance meet at the 12,391st Tri-Weekly Summit on Loraxia Prime. From L-R; President Scree of the Bwauki Empire, Executive S’Lig of the Glukkonian Guild, President Ur’Ine of the Uri Nation, Matriarch Lyssa of the Lorax League, and Chancellor Fillur of the Eredi Assembly.

Uri diplomats highlighted the urgent need for intervention against the Cevanti’s ill treatment of slave pops, while also adding that the transfer of several resource-rich border systems to Uri control would be “an extra bonus.”

“This war is vitally important for furthering the interests of the Uri Nation and… er, of course, the whole Just Alliance.” Uri leader Ur’Ine told Xenonion. “Those poor slave pops, toiling away on all that precious Betharian stone. They must be rescued. Of course, if there’s room for the slave pops they should be taken too.”

Image: President Ur’Ine of the Uri Nation, dressed in traditional Uri gold.

Despite having the second largest fleet power in the Just Alliance, behind the Lorax League, the Uri Nation has categorically ruled out participating in any conflict.

Ur’Ine reportedly told fellow leaders that the Lorax fleets would be much more efficient in battle as Uri fleets were only specialized for “just sitting parked above space ports, looking pretty.”

The Lorax League has approached the request warily, and insider reports suggest there may not be appetite among leadership to get embroiled in a costly war.

Such public disputes between two allies is unusual, and perhaps a sign of increasing strain within the federation. The Just Alliance is only just recovering from months of turmoil after the Thelmar Union was kicked from the group last year after blocking another war request 363 times for no apparent reason. This followed on from the rocky initiation of the Bwauki into the federation, who still consistently refuse to wear clothes at meetings.

Early reports indicate the Uri proposal is likely to pass and in preparation, Lorax admirals have begun frantically clicking ‘encourage allied fleets to follow’ call signs in a vague hope this will stir the Uri into action.

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Notification Spam Prompts Area Pacifists to Consider Becoming Fanatical Purifiers

Scyldari leadership is tonight considering completely ditching the space nation’s longstanding ethos of pacifism and xenophilia in favor of becoming fanatical purifiers, after having received a record-breaking 3.7 trillion inane diplomatic notifications in the last 24 hours.

The outward-looking Scyldari have historically had high levels of contact with other species from across the galaxy, and as such they have often fielded a substantial number of diplomatic notifications.

However, recent reports from the Scyldari Foreign Office indicate both diplomats and computer systems alike are struggling to cope with an increasing flurry of notifications as hundreds of space-nations simultaneously expand and interact with each other.

Image: Scyldari Foreign Office computers are struggling to cope with high levels of inane diplomatic notifications.

“At first these notifications were important, like, FYI the hegemonic imperialists next door have declared war on you,” Scyldari diplomat Cali J’Bassim told Xenonion. “But now we’re getting hundreds of notifications every minute, about stuff that’s not even relevant to us. Half the time I can’t even work out if we’re at war or not.”

Image: Cali J’Bassim, Scyldari Diplomat.

The Scyldari Foreign office highlights that over the last three months it has been fielding an average of 1.2 trillion diplomatic notifications per day.

Common messages include:

• Borders opened

• That species you interacted once with has entered a research agreement with that other species that look a bit funny

• Borders closed

• Two space nations have formed a laughably small federation

• Borders opened again, but then quickly closed

• The laughably small federation has given some irrelevant species association status

With no option to filter or mute messages, the Scyldari Foreign Office has had to employ 233 million Scyldari pops to manually sift through notifications until an automated system can be implemented.

The Scyldari Prosperity Faction estimates that the cost of employing the entire population of Scyldaria as interns and terraforming the planet into a Foreign Office ecumenopolis will cripple the space nation’s budget by 2260. As such, leaders are now seriously considering switching to xenophobic and militaristic ethos in a bid to quell the diplomatic spam.

Scyldari president Dackam addressed the issue in a press conference earlier today, stating: “We cannot stem the tide of these notifications. As such, we must address the root of the problem. We must destroy their very source… the other xenos.”

Image: Scyldari president Dackam.

His speech was met with universal approval across Scyldari society, and indeed from most other space nations who are grappling with similar problems.

However, the proposed switch from polar opposite ethos would be unprecedented in modern space history. In his closing remarks at the press conference, Dackam acknowledged this, stating; “I guess first we just need to figure out how to actually switch ethos. Anyone?”

Shares in Colossus-grade weapons on the Space Exchange Index (SEXI) rose dramatically on the news.

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