Brain Slugs Seek Volunteers For Brain-Implant Trial

Recruitment has opened for a controversial new clinical trial which would see humans implanted with brain slugs.

The news follows approval from the UNE’s Food & Drug Administration (FDA) earlier this year.

Trial patients will have a slug placed deep within their mid-brain via an orifice of their choosing, and will be monitored to test the safety and functionality of the slug-host symbiosis.

Image: A brain slug drone unveils the specialist implantation device fitted with patented Worm Jar technology.

“We are extremely excited about this next chapter for humanity,” the brain slug collective stated in a press release issued today, adding “join us.”

The brain slugs have sought FDA approval four times, however previous bids were rejected due to safety concerns about side effects, including host death on attempted removal of implanted slugs.

The FDA states it was convinced to authorize the approval after its entire staff were offered a visit to an implantation center.

If clinical trials succeed, the brain slugs will require further regulatory approval prior to launching on the wider market. Xenonion understands that the slugs have already extended invites to the UNE’s Trade Commission and other government officials to tour their facility.

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Public Trust in Commonwealth Dictatorship Plummets to Historic Low of 240%

Trust in Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair has fallen to a 9-year low, the state-funded polling agency Pollaganda said this Thursday.

Just 240% of citizens surveyed last month said they trusted Beauclair, the lowest percentage since the pollster began asking the question in 2245.

The survey, taken by over 12.5 million easily traced respondents, echoes other opinion polls showing decreasing approval of Beauclair, who has been the space-nation’s preeminent political leader since 2200.

Beauclair has suffered a slide in ratings following her botched attempt at rebranding the Commonwealth as the ‘Imperium of Man’, which left the government shelling out 13 trillion energy credits to settle a trans-dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit.

The Commonwealth’s Press Secretary Max Brill refused to answer questions on the topic at a news briefing today, stating that the polling was “not consistent” with figures he had seen. Visibly irritated, he ended the briefing by summarily executing all those present.

Political analyst Sara Weber said the mixed poll result was “really significant,” showing that while Commonwealth citizens continue to approve of Beauclair, there is a “visible trend” of public fatigue towards the constant threat of being abducted to an off-world government black site.

Pollaganda has since stated that this year’s survey was the first to try a new style of question where respondents could answer independently from the presence of armed government minders.

Following criticism from the Commonwealth Executive, Pollaganda has since reversed its polling methodology, and revised results have shown trust in Beauclair has returned to a baseline of 450%.

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New Translation Device Developed For Flagellum-Waving Species

Gacrux, Gacrux System, Nagli Dominion

First contact between United Nations of Earth (UNE) representatives and a delegation from the recently discovered planet of Gacrux was made difficult yesterday owing to a failure of UNE translation software to parse the communication method used by the Nagli, the only intelligent inhabitants of Gacrux.

The Nagli do not communicate using sound like most other sentient species in the galaxy. Instead, they move their several flagella around to convey thoughts and ideas. They have evolved to be able to see infrared light so that nighttime communication is possible, and their anatomy also features a complete view of all surroundings with the use of 36 well-placed eyes.

Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.

After conducting routine research about the nature of the Nagli and Gacrux, UNE officials made the decision last month to move forward with an official first contact.

Questions remained about how exactly the Nagli were communicating, but it was assumed that this would become obvious upon interaction. This was not the case.

Captain Joseph Krik of the USS Shakira, a specialist in first contacts, said of the incident:

"It was actually quite refreshing to have to begin communication from nothing and work up. Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the universe is the peaceful beginning of interstellar communication."

After nearly three hours of deciphering, UNE officials were finally able to make basic overtures to the Nagli. It was apparently necessary for six members of the UNE delegation to stand together and all arrange their arms correctly to match the flagella of a single Nagle. The Nagli response was - according to the best guesses of UNE linguists - warm and welcoming, if slightly exasperated.

A device that will allow for more automatic communication between the UNE and Nagli Union is already being designed, and the first prototypes have performed well in the initial tests, despite significant engineering challenges. According to the UNE sociologists working on the project, the first tier of the translation device should be completed within sixteen months.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

UNE President Faces Corruption Probe Over Inappropriate Influence Spending

Embattled United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario is tonight in a further political quagmire after details emerged showing he inappropriately spent government influence to help him gain office and suppress political rivals.

The detailed information was contained in Rossario's consciousness and thought streams, which were inadvertently uploaded to the Shroud 3 weeks ago and freely accessible to anyone with psionic traits or a TeleShroud-enabled fax machine.

Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.

Rossario has so far refused to comment on the above.

UNE congresswoman Karla Karling of Earth's Francia District, who previously ran and lost against Rossario in the closely contested 2249 presidential election, made this statement:

"This is a deeply disturbing revelation, and one that shakes our very democracy to the core. While I accepted the election result at the time, it just didn't make sense to me. The U-Polls said we were going to win. 142 out of the last 143 sitting presidents have been Karlings. We were suppressed. Rossario is not fit to lead humanity."

Spending government influence for personal use is strictly prohibited by galactic convention.

The leak is a significant blow to Rossario's fledgling administration which has struggled to recover from a string of crippling crises, including the now dubbed 'ShroudGate' and Rossario's recent proposal to abolish universal healthcare to fund building a defensive Space Wall around UNE territory.

A government ethics committee has convened in Earth's capital Ulm tonight to decide whether Rossario should face a formal corruption probe.

The Viper Probe, 1.6m in length and 3m in circumference, has 5 multipurpose arms which test rectally for levels of corruption in faecal matter. If positive, the results could pave the way for an impeachment charge.

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